[reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.
S3100,000 Airplanes
A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?
[Silence in the room. No one responds.]
I'm really asking.
Well, how close are we to really being able to do this?
Nobody knows.
Then...
Toby.
It'll be seen as a political ploy.
Why?
It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving.
How?
Using cancer to deflect attention from MS.
You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do?
I'm saying...
Joey?
I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure.
Once again, why would somebody...?
Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President.
I didn't...
KKenny
She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir.
Sam.
Yes sir?
Why shouldn't I do it?
I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
S3The Two Bartlets
So, the 4-H convention.
We're not going.
I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
I'm that way.
You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
We're not going.
There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Butter on the table?
It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
How do they keep it from melting?
How, indeed.
Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Thank you.
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.
I know.
The da-da of Dada.
It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.
I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action.
Why?
Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.
I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name. I wasn't gonna bother anybody.
Toby, if you have something to say, please say it.
Ritchie's good for all time zones.
My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem?
Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin.
Yeah?
It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken.
It's always been like that.
There's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.
Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room.
But?
Well, there's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.
You're gonna sing a country western song?
The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart.
This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.
Sir?
It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite.
[pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President?
Excuse me?
Your father used to hit you, sir?
[pause] Yeah.
Not like a spanking.
He hit me. Why?
He punched you.
I'm done being polite now.
He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why.
Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you?
It was because you were smarter than he was.
It was a complicated relationship.
He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was.
Why are we talking about this?
So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will--
You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now.
Yes, sir.
They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house!
Thank you Mr. President. [he leaves]
S3Night Five
How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?
Well, how bout when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the 7th century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia and the Arab World told us we were desecrating their Holy Land while ignoring the fact that we were invited? How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union, when the President praised the Islamic people as “faithful” and “hard-working” only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam, but none of that is the point... I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini. Why does the US have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! (long pause) Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing nothing nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America or Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history, some literature. They'll like us when we win.
Well, I guess we talked about a lot of things: who we think the Republican challenger is gonna be, and incumbency, and campaign strategy - strategic overview, but the long and short of it is, my father never liked me, at all. [long pause]
Well, at least we're closer to my area now.
Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that.
Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. Our time is up.
Mr. President...If you were any other patient...
Say what you'd say to any other patient.
I'd say, screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.
Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.
CCelia
Charlie's a man.
Damn right.
Sam.
Yes.
We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.
Yes.
This is important.
I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.
And that I'm all man.
You're Celia?
CCelia
Yes.
He's not a sexist.
CCelia
If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
I'm sorry?
CCelia
I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
I don't even know what that means.
CCelia
I think you do.
And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
CCelia
I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.
I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.
Hello.
I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
CCelia
And what kind of feminism do you call that?
My kind.
BBonney
It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.
Stilettos?
You're not in enough trouble already?
I suppose I am.
CCelia
Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.
S3Hartsfield's Landing
That's a beautiful chess set.
It's a gift for you.
Really?
Yeah, it's hand-carved. It belonged to the Prime Minister's grandfather, who used it to play with Lord Mountbatten.
I'm surprised that she gave it away.
Nah, we boosted it on our way out of the palace. I've got some little bottles of shampoo and conditioner, too.
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