TV show quotes
In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.
God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.
The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds – also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.
I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.
...
I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.
That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...
[nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.
This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party.
Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.
Leo–
You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?
I don't think it's a matter of–
I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.
Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.
Yeah.
[about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.
Call her.
And ask her out?
Yeah.
No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
Yeah.
I need to come in under the cover of business.
'Cause you're a straight shooter.
Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
How about the word "feministas"?
[Reading a book that an ex-reporter wrote about the White House] “Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly communications director, whose bitter inner darkness spelled the breakup of the one marriage we know about.”
It was miniature golf, wasn't it?
Yeah.
This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio – it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.
[to Leo] I was wrong. I was. I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it." That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. I'm to blame. I was wrong.
It's a non-binding resolution. Do you know what that means?
No, could you tell me, 'cause I've really started to take an interest in government lately.
Do you know how much force and effect it has?
Jordan...
None. No force and effect. The following is a sampling of non-binding joint resolutions from the 106th Congress.
I have a meeting.
A resolution in support of Ohio's state motto. A resolution fostering friendship and cooperation with the people of Mongolia.
I have a meeting.
A resolution recognizing the contributions of Bristol, Tennessee, to the development of country music.
I'm sorry, I have a budget meeting.
A resolution in support of Little League baseball.
Jordan...
A resolution recogniz...
This isn't that! This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio – it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.
[about an inaccurate tell-all book] I'm sorry. We can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to. Why am I the only one taking this seriously?
That's a reasonable question and we should explore that for a minute.
It's not the reason you think.
You hired the guy.
Yes, I hired the guy, but that's not... Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this to say nothing of the people who hate us who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over...This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer, I'm telling you. That has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we got to come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth. If there's a comma in the wrong place he needs to be killed until he is dead and he needs to be killed again or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be.
[snapping fingers rhythmically] Boy, boy, crazy boy. Keep cool, boy...
I'm not screwing around.
Me neither. Sit down.
I'm not going to be a victim of this.
Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims - just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job.
While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous...
Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously, there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing.
I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
[on the President] He's all right?
He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.
[after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!
Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.
Yeah, it's one in the morning.
Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
Okay.
Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
What is wrong with you?
We really don't know.
Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say–
[laughing] Get out!
I'm seeing Amy again tonight.
Second date?
First date, really. Last night was more of a ... you know ...
Scheme.
Yeah.
Good, 'cause the second date's usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
