Look, C.J.–
You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal.
LLarry
I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?
EEd
No.
S3Hartsfield's Landing
What are you doing?
Just trying to get a little pizza in an uncivilized world.
It's not easy being you, is it?
Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart and you've got it, my friend.
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
Check.
So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?
Depends.
[playing chess] Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck, this game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you've got it, my friend.
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.
...
You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class.
Ooh I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike, unless you watch it as it sails by.
I don't do that.
Check.
And I'm not a snob.
I don't believe you are.
If a guy's a good neighbor, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about somebody else, and above all else if he can find his way to compassion and-and tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past fingerpainting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and out to make them feel like they're less than - you know - "he may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you". Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet, it can be the silver bullet Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred-
Who are you trying to convince?
I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by.
Abbey told me this story once. She said you were at a party once where you were bending the guy's ear. You were telling him that Ellie had mastered her multiplication tables and she was in third grade reading at a fifth-grade level and she loved books and she scored two goals for her soccer team the week before, you were going on and on... And what made that story remarkable was that the party you were at was in Stockholm and the man you were talking you was King Gustav, who two hours earlier had given you the Nobel Prize in economics. [laughs] I mean, my god, you just won the Nobel Prize and all you wanted to talk about to the King of Sweden was Ellie's multiplication tables!
[approaches to sit across from him] What's your point?
You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folksy, you're not plain-spoken... Do not, do not, do not act like it!
I don't want to be killed.
Then make this election about smart, and not... Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.
[Toby lays down his king on the board to retire. Bartlet stands and turns to walk out.]
Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet.
How does this end?
[Leo knocks and walks into the office.]
Sir.
[to Sam] Like this.
[Bartlet walks to Leo to read the note he brought him.]
Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, by the way.
You, too. [leaves]
[Bartlet returns to Sam and hands him the piece of paper.]
I'd like to try it without looking at the note.
[sits down] Okay.
China agrees to stand down the war games.
Right.
And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot.
Yes.
And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years.
Ten years, but you've got it.
Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget.
And so?
You never were going to sell them the destroyers.
[shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face.
[amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it.
You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate.
S3Dead Irish Writers
Abigail! May I grasp your breasts?
BBartlet
I'm standing right here!
You may kiss my cheek.
Abigail.
BBartlet
Now it's a party.
Oh. Yes, your lordship.
Your breasts are magnificent.
Oh. Um... thank you, John.
May I inquire, Mr. President – the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?
It was.
BBartlet
You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
My god. Really?
BBartlet
Yeah.
I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the superconducting supercollider.
MProfessor Milgate
How much time do we have?
About ten minutes.
MProfessor Milgate
If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet – I can teach you how to spell it.
Amy.
Yes, ma'am?
CJ and I are gonna get drunk. Come on.
Yes, ma'am.
You're going?
The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day?
EEnlow
If we could only say what benefit this thing has. No one's been able to do that...
MProfessor Milgate
That's because great achievement has no road map. Well, the X-ray's pretty good. So is Penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. Now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't--they invented them.
Discovery
MProfessor Milgate
What?
Discovery is what--that's what this is used for. It's for discovery.
Do you like these earrings?
BBartlet
[without looking] I do.
You want to look at them first?
BBartlet
[still not looking] Are they new?
No.
BBartlet
[still not looking] You've worn them?
Yeah.
BBartlet
[working a crossword puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters.
Social Darwinism.
BBartlet
No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's a force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism."
I'm gonna be ready in two minutes.
BBartlet
Take your time.
Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.
BBartlet
Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus, it's your birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast.
Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15.
BBartlet
I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.
And it's not my birthday.
BBartlet
It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or Lent. Three letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right?
"It may be bitter?"
BBartlet
Yeah.
Why "tea"?
BBartlet
'Cause "woman" doesn't fit.
"End," you idiot. "Bitter end."
S3The U.S. Poet Laureate
[on Bartlet's slight to Ritchie] Why do you think this one's so hard to spin?
'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.
All right. Let's try not to do that too much.
TFTabatha Fortis
Nice office.
Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.