I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead.
S3Manchester, Part II
CConnie
I was trying to find a Starbucks. A guy in a gas station said, "Round here, people don't pay four bucks for a cup of coffee."
New Hampshire. Live free or cheap.
[to C.J. about his original election] I was never supposed to win. Then you guys came along and all of a sudden...
BBartlet
Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?
What?
BBartlet
I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.
You could not have been an astronaut.
BBartlet
I would have been a great astronaut.
You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.
BBartlet
I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.
I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.
You were the one who sent them the press releases, right?
What press releases?
Subcommittee. About tobacco.
Yes, I was.
Well, that was stupid.
You think?
No, I know.
I got two years as legislative director in the House, two years as floor director in the Senate, and thirty months as Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you got?
Josh...
Kalmbach's a fat-ass Rotarian gasbag. I knew once I sent the thing he'd raise the profile and give us the press we needed.
Kalmbach is vulnerable in his home state. He's got an influx of tech and other clean industries along his Route Nine corridor, along with the suburban voters that go with it - affluent parents who don't want their kids smoking.
We got the money, Bruno.
You don't want the money. You want the issue. You should have waited until the fall when the bell rings and then we hammer them with it. Then Kalmbach, Leder, Ross, Roark, Steve - whoever gets the nomination - has it hanging around their necks they're nicotine pushers. [beat] Plus, you get the money. [long pause] The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better. Of course, you got the money. I'm amazed they didn't send it to you with candy and a stripper. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Ohio. Three swing states you could have brought over with that. That's an election.
S3Ways and Means
I grew up on a farm.
You grew up in a condo.
I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Hey, I'm not the-
White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you have.
Look-
Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.
Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?
What do you need?
I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
Do you?
Yes.
Why are you a Republican?
Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
What have you got?
Nothing. And you know why?
Rollins likes us.
I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.
Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?
I had a plan! Each box was numbered. There is a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.
Well, where is the piece of paper? [Donna glares at him.]
It's... in one of these boxes. I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.
You grew up in a condo.
I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Hey, I'm not the-
White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you have.
Look-
Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while.
I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are FedEx receipts and mailroom records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, [starts yelling] and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in!
I'll be in the office.
Your office is down the corridor about 200 feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way.
I'll do my best.
S3On the Day Before
You know what we're starting with tonight?
No, sir.
Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Was anything you just said food?
They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Yeah.
That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.
They don't have the votes to override.
Says you.
Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.
Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.
He can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote.
What kind of amendment?
Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf™."
And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.