In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell -- Bingo Bob, himself -- as your new Vice President.
WillThis lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...
...as lackluster as he is soporific. This reversion to the mean...
Will
...this rebuke to the exemplary...
...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional...
not the worst, not the best, just what we're stuck with.
Will
The President wants altitude.
As befits this vertiginous choice? [Toby stands up] Distinguished is as high as we go; you have to be high to go loftier. Here's what it should be. [Will begins typing] In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell — Bingo Bob, himself — as your new Vice President.
Will
This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...
...as lackluster as he is soporific.
Will
Good.
This reversion to the mean...
Will
This rebuke to the exemplary...
...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional...
Will
Yes.
The Vice Presidency, being famously once described as not being worth a warm bucket of spit; let's now hock a big loogie for Bob Russell. Not the worst. Not the best. Just what we're stuck with.
Will
Amen.
I admire speech writers. They have to have the tendency to doubt and the capacity to believe in equal measure.... I'm playing with a handicap.... Spare tire on the automobile of government. Heartbeat away from having a heartbeat.... I may need more help than that dead guy you got elected in Orange County, Will. I may need some political life support myself.... I'd like you to be my Communications Director.... I know I'm not the best politician, but here I am Vice President of the United States.
Will
Sir, I'm a special assistant to the President.
Chief strategist and senior counselor to the Vice President.
Will
Are we playing poker?
Will
You're looking for your own Toby Ziegler.
I'm looking for someone who can beat Toby....
Will
Thank you, sir, but I'm not interested.
I like loyalty, Will. I respect loyalty. But you can run out the clock on a Bartlet Presidency that in effect is over. You can finish something that you never started in the first place.... Or you can shape the next presidency from the ground up. Total access. Coach of the team.
That's one way to make the shutdown seem real to the country -- don't mail eleven million checks.
Will
It'd be catastrophic if we don't fix this.
FDR will rise from the dead?
Will
Millions of angry grandparents are going to march on Washington, burn us in effigy.
He's a featherweight who only looks like a lightweight because he's got you propping him up.
Will
He's the heir apparent.
Don't say 'heir apparent' when we have men in moon suits hermetically sealing the Oval. This is Russell's only shot... A night like this. You're comfortable with that?
Will
Perfectly. Thank you.
Will
Only shot.
This and voter fraud, another option.
Will
Yeah, I see.
Or a mob hit would also work.
Will
Someday there's going to be a newer, younger political operative moving on to your landscape. Somebody up through the ranks from the domestic policy shop, and you'll be able to foist all your jealousy and resentment onto his unsuspecting shoulders and you'll give me a break for three consecutive minutes.
Will
You've had one win in your career, one. And you're looking sunset in the face, and I'm just getting started, and that's eating you apart like some psychological melanoma.
Will
It's an adrenaline sport and you're exhausted. If you had another fight in you, you'd be grooming Matt Packard or Howard Sturgis and you'd take me down, me and my anemic candidate. But you don't have it. I say this with a great amount of respect. I would be eternally grateful if you would back off.
What you wrote for Russell tonight was profoundly disturbing.
Will
Because he upstaged the President?
Will
What?
Who was the first person to shake his hand after the speech tonight?
Will
I wasn't watching.
Will
Chuck McGill, they golf.
In a room full of 600 reporters McGill's not a golf buddy, he's Chairman of Ways and Means. You made a calculation; you positioned him brilliantly. It never for a second crossed my mind before, but if you keep this up, he might win.
Will
Thanks.
It wasn't a compliment. You need to get the hell out of there. You're grooming this clown for a win and then what?
Will
Four more years. A better prescription drug plan, maybe the educational overhaul you guys can't seem to get off the ground.
With Howdy Doody at the helm?
Will
This isn't a dictatorship. There are hundreds of people running this White House. The salient detail being they're all Democrats. You most of all...
There are no launch codes at my desk! At the event of what I perceive to be a threat, I can't deploy troops to invade so much as a 7-Eleven. I don't care who you surround this guy with, he's going to wield a tremendous amount of power.
Will
He'll be fine. The Party wants a win. 60 million Democrats want...
Will
You only hit it once, and maybe never again.
Because you back the guy who should win, not the guy who will win. I backed a man of vision, who's still hanging on to his integrity with his teeth. You're damn straight I won't win again.
Will
There has to be a future, Toby. Someone will take the torch. You will despise the very notion of them whoever they may be.
Go find someone you can honestly respect. Groom him.
Will
I'll comb the countryside.
We went to Hokumville, New Hampshire, to find one, yeah. Comb the countryside.
Will
You go. If it's so important, you go. [pause] That's what I thought.
[on the phone] Are you kidding? Do you know the term "decent interval"? Go away. [hangs up] Magley from the DNC, wants to talk about who to run for the two vacant House seats.
Will
You're joking.
They're still picking up pieces of these guys over there, he's talking about DeSantos' poachable district.
Will
What's he calling you for?
He thought Josh'd be upset about Donna being in the car. I guess he figured since my ex-wife was only almost blown up that I'd be only almost upset.
One reason some people say nothing can happen till these guys are gone is the feeling they both may be stuck in old attitudes or assumptions. There was a time when Palestinians and all Arabs wanted to drive Jews into the sea, but some would argue that time's past.
Will
Listen to some Arab broadcasts.
Rabble-rousing to distract their street.
I'm not sure any credible Arab leader truly expects Israel's demise anymore, not even the Chairman.
Well, there's a view that...
Will
Don't keep saying "Some argue" and "There's a view." Can we restrict it to your view?
Okay. Palestinians are no longer fighting to destroy the Jewish state. They're fighting for a state of their own, a revolutionary struggle against an occupying force, and revolutionaries will outlast and out-die occupiers every time.
Will
I don't know if that's more simplistic or naive.
It's tribal. It can't be solved. It's Hatfield and McCoy and there is no end.
[After Toby and Josh have both "resigned" after CJ's promotion]
I'll make this quick. I don't know if I'm comfortable working this closely with a woman. Maybe it's time for me to call it a day, give the VP a chance to steer the ship.
[CJ looks confused; after a moment, Toby starts giggling, which sets everyone off, and CJ realizes the prank]
[to Toby] You're weak. You have a weak will. You should have held it. See if she pulled out the Continuity of Government plan.
Will
He cracked up at the mere suggestion of the VP...
[Still giggling uncontrollably] I had a whole thing on spending time with my kids, I went up.
In the service of a vengeful god.
Will
On behalf of the Vice President and myself and every man who's ever had a Wonder Woman fantasy, it's a bright day.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
