Will Bailey quotes from The West Wing

Charlie

Do you have a girlfriend?

Will

No.

Charlie

When was the last time you did?

Will

About nine months ago.

Charlie

How long did it last?

Will

About two days. In my defense, though, she was psycho.

Charlie

So why are you giving me relationship help?

Will

Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend.

Charlie

God, that's really true, isn't it?

Amy

Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh...

Will

It's not a hazing. They don't do that. [feels in his pocket] Except... yes, you put olives in my jacket again.

CJ

I did, I did do that. But this is on the level.

Will

There's a Festival of Lights and Bonfires in this region that accompanies something called the Wildflower, you know, Renaissance, with lilac and ochre.

That you can see from thirty-three thousand feet?

Will

Yes, it's arranged in a pattern that befuddles astronomers to this day. We should be coming up on it any...

Oh my God!

Will

Of course, on the right side of the plane, there's an F-16 Falcon.

C.J.

It's okay, you're afraid of flying.

Will

I'm not afraid of flying. I... experience flying.

Toby

And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it?

Will

Yeah, but we're scrappy.

Will

Two guys in the silo. The launch sequence went on for two minutes before they had confirmation it was a meteor. But the two guys were debating with Airborne Launch Control and the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center and that gets sticky. This is missile defense. This stuff has to work.

Toby

And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it.

Will

Yeah, but we're scrappy.

Toby

[laughs] A meteor fell from the sky the result being two guys are going to get court-martialed. The only two guys who apparently thought it was strange that North Korea would attack submarines in Connecticut instead of say, San Diego or Hawaii. And if it had been a real attack? Would they still have been doing point/counterpoint with NORAD?

Toby

We failed both on a mechanical and human level. So tell me again what you have faith in.

C.J.

Us.

Toby

Why?

C.J.

Because with what little free time he has, Will is going to Wyoming to defend one of these guys and I don't think it is failing on a human level.

Will

[from Leo's computer] Okay, I've searched "equinox" and "egg," and the news isn't good for the believers.

C.J.

What sites did they send you to?

Will

ThingsThatAreWrong.com.

C.J.

There's no such site.

Will

Read it!

C.J.

"This has to be one of the silliest misconceptions around and it never seems to die."

Will

They also send you to the Apocryphal Zone and Project Astro Utah.

C.J.

There are no web sites supporting it?

Toby

And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?

Will

I came in to show you the spots and to tell you I think we should run a counter-ad. I don't have an idea for one.

Toby

Well get one! Have an idea! Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to - you know, after you've walked me to the brink, and say 'we've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how.' Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing, but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it!

Will

Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.

Toby

[pause] Yeah.

Will

This speech is about creativity. In my judgment it's a home run. But what it isn't is a speech that will convince Zoey not to go to France tomorrow.

Bartlet

Well, let's write that one!

Will

We just wrote 3900 words in five hours.

It's terrific so far.

Will

Later, he quotes Cicero, Thomas Aquinas, and Rudy Vallée in the space of two pages.

Abbey

How does he connect them?

Will

Three people you've never heard of.

Abbey

It's about creativity?

Josh

I think we made a mistake.

Donna

What?

Josh

Letting the President step aside.

Will

Have you been watching CNN, MSNBC? Even FOX is treating it as a seminar on the resiliency of the Constitution.

Josh

The President's daughter is probably tied up in the back of a gas station. We have no idea how this is playing.

Will

He showed he's a leader, nobly embracing his own flawed humanity.

Josh

Lincoln and Kennedy had children who died. They didn't take a sabbatical.

Toby

Who's been calling?

Josh

Congressional leadership.

Toby

Lincoln never got a ransom note from Jefferson Davis. He's putting country before family. I'd carpet bomb Mecca to get my kids back.

Josh

What if they like Walken better? What if he seems more presidential? What if they want Walken to stay?

Will

In a few days, President Bartlet turns the second letter over to Congress.

Josh

What if it doesn't take a few days? What if it takes a few weeks, a few months? What if she's never found?

Will

Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh

Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby

I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Will

We're having trouble with the Democrats.

CJ

Wow, along with the Republicans. That's kind of everyone.

Josh

[about Haffley] What the hell just...

Leo McGarry

Will. In the Oval, and grab C.J.

Josh

We just... we got tagged. [They walk into the Outer Oval Office.] Idiot thinks he tagged us.

Toby

He did.

Josh

He's bluffing.

Will

We don't blink.

Leo

What the hell is he thinking? Is he just in over his head?

Josh

He's an idiot. And he's bluffing.

Will

We put up Berryhill and we wait for the Republicans to self-destruct.

C.J.

If we have the time.

Josh

He's an idiot, he's bluffing, and we're going to destroy him.

Leo

You worried about it leaking or are you worried about our numbers?

C.J.

Both. How long can we spin this so our numbers hold? If it drags on and gets ugly and people have time to worry...

Toby

We've got a fight; with this list it's a joke. August Adar would bore the country into a stupor and Starkey is, forgive me, sir, more likely to keel over in the next three years than you are.

Josh

That's what Haffley's counting on. The longer he drags this out, the longer he's next in line.

Will

Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh

Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby

I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh

That's their agenda: sniper anyone who looks hard to beat next time around.

C.J.

I thought this choice wasn't about partisan politics.

Josh

It is now.

Will

Wait, the Democrats actually like the list?

Josh

They aren't wild about Berryhill. Donna!

Toby

Our esteemed Minority Leader thinks it's not a bluff and we won't win a battle in the House.

Josh

Our esteemed Minority Leader is running for President in three years. Donna, get me Leo!

Ryan

[pokes his head in] Donna went to the bathroom.

Josh

She's not allowed to do that. Just get me Leo.

Ryan

Uh, Leo McGarry?

Josh

Yes, Leo McGarry.

C.J.

[enters] They leaked the list; the Starkey Russell list.

Will

Is that bad? It makes Berryhill look even better.

Toby

Guys, we can't confirm Berryhill.

C.J.

We can't?

Will

We're having trouble with the Democrats.

C.J.

Wow. Along with the Republicans, that's kind of everyone.

Toby

We've got to move on.

Josh

Move on? We don't move on from our first post-Walken showdown. This is the single, most defining decision the President makes.

Toby

No kidding. And time's running out and if we don't find someone they'll confirm by tomorrow...

C.J.

We had other names.

Ryan

[comes back in] Hey, uh, sorry. Does anyone know Mr. McGarry's extension?