SamOver three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
Sam
It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
Sam
Pilgrim detectives.
Sam
I think you're laughing on the inside.
Sam
With the big hats.
Every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam
And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Nobody here has checked out...
[Josh enters]
Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.
Sam's gonna make some changes.
Are you going to clear them with me?
Sam
Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.
Sam
Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'
[to C.J.] He said it right.
Sam
Who wrote this intro?
Sam
You're from NASA Public Affairs?
Sam
You mind if I give it a polish?
Sam
No, it's great. You mind if I change it?
I'd prefer if you didn't.
Sam
Just the same...
The Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's gonna be changed, I'd prefer that the President change it.
Sam
See, that's kind of what he pays me to do, so...
Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
Sam
Yes, I suppose, if you broaden the definition to those who can't spell.
...
Sam
It's up on the Prompter.
[reads] "Good morning! I'm speaking to you live from the West Wing of the White House. Today we have a very unique opportunity to take part live in an extremely historic event which..." Whoa, boy...
Sam
[waves and smiles] How you doing, Mr. President?
I did, sir. I'm Scott Tate from NASA Public Affairs.
[gets up and shakes his hand] Scott. "Unique" means "one of a kind." Something can't be very unique, nor can it be extremely historic.
While we're at it, do we have to use the word "live" twice in the first two sentences like we just cracked the technology?
We're also broadcasting in living color, right?
Sam
Yeah.
Sam's gonna make some changes.
Are you going to clear them with me?
Sam
Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.
Sam
Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'
[to C.J.] He said it right.
Sam
It's a private poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters and... Oh my god!
Sam
A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?
Wow. What are the chances of that?
Sam
The chances of that are astronomical.
We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents...
Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!
Sam
They have bathrobes at the gym?
In the women's locker room.
Sam
But not the men's.
Sam
Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women...
Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.
Sam
Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second?
Sam
Yeah. You're feeling it right now and it's gonna get even more cause it's a big night, and you were a hit and you've never experienced anything like this.
And you think I'm going to have a nutty.
Sam
I'm saying don't drink until you're off television.
God! Thanks Sam for that debating tip. You have a feel for nuances. You say I shouldn't be drunk when I'm representing the White House.
Sam
Yeah. And remember you're a blond, Republican girl and that nobody likes you.
Sam
[about the President] Last night you were scared to meet him.
And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
Sam
You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?
[After Sam learns the identity of a deceased Communist spy] It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?
Sam
It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that's lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity.
[all in voiceovers]
There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen.
You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...
Sam
...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.
Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.
Sam
Winnie. Yeah, I said it. Listen, you're talented. When you get out of school, you should come see me for a job.
WHWinnifred Hooper
I suppose you're not a complete loser. And you write very well...So when I get out of school, you should come see me for a job.
Sam
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
And get some decent pizza, yeah.
Sam
They're gonna hate you.
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
Sam
So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Sam
You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.
Sam
We believe in the ERA.
Sam
How can you have an objection...
Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.
Sam
[to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
