Leo McGarry quotes from The West Wing

Leo

A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.

Sam

Why?

Leo

What's the most important state in the primaries?

Sam

New Hampshire.

Leo

What's the most important state in the general?

Sam

Michigan.

Leo

What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?

Sam

New Hampshire.

Leo

And where do they make the cars?

Sam

Fair enough.

Bartlet

[on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.

Leo

Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.

Leo

I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.

I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.

Leo

That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...

[nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.

Leo

Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.

Leo–

Leo

You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?

I don't think it's a matter of–

Leo

I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.

It's a non-binding resolution. Do you know what that means?

Leo

No, could you tell me, 'cause I've really started to take an interest in government lately.

Do you know how much force and effect it has?

Leo

Jordan...

None. No force and effect. The following is a sampling of non-binding joint resolutions from the 106th Congress.

Leo

I have a meeting.

A resolution in support of Ohio's state motto. A resolution fostering friendship and cooperation with the people of Mongolia.

Leo

I have a meeting.

A resolution recognizing the contributions of Bristol, Tennessee, to the development of country music.

Leo

I'm sorry, I have a budget meeting.

A resolution in support of Little League baseball.

Leo

Jordan...

A resolution recogniz...

Leo

This isn't that! This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio – it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.

C.J.

[on the President] He's all right?

Leo

He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.

Leo

What are you doing?

Josh

Just trying to get a little pizza in an uncivilized world.

Leo

It's not easy being you, is it?

Sam

How does this end?

Leo

Sir.

Bartlet

[to Sam] Like this.

Bartlet

Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people.

Leo

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Thank you, by the way.

Leo

You, too. [leaves]

Sam

I'd like to try it without looking at the note.

Bartlet

[sits down] Okay.

Sam

China agrees to stand down the war games.

Bartlet

Right.

Sam

And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot.

Bartlet

Yes.

Sam

And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years.

Bartlet

Ten years, but you've got it.

Sam

Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget.

Bartlet

And so?

Sam

You never were going to sell them the destroyers.

Bartlet

[shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face.

Sam

[amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it.

Bartlet

You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate.

Leo

We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?

Toby

Used a pencil?

Leo

They used a pencil.

I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.

Leo

Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.

In peacetime.

Leo

Yes.

The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely...

Leo

Yeah.

And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor–

Leo

I don't like where this conversation's going...

We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.

Leo

We declared war...

If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful...

Leo

...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion.

...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids!

Leo

I'm going to get back to the office.

We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.

Bartlet

Civilians get trials.

Leo

I'd argue he's not a civilian. So would the Attorney General.

Bartlet

They're gonna find out it's us. We could make it look like the plane went down, but they're gonna find out it's us, and I'm gonna be running for reelection while I'm fighting a war against Qumar.

Leo

That's why you want to say no?

Bartlet

I want him tried.

Leo

That can't happen.

Bartlet

I understand.

Leo

I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank.

Bartlet

Yeah.

Leo

Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims?

Bartlet

What do you want from me?

Leo

Who was the monk who wrote, "I always don't know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." [beat] You have two minutes, sir.

Bartlet

This isn't a matter of religion.

Leo

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

I recognize that there's evil in the world.

Leo

What is your objection exactly, sir?

Bartlet

Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations?

Leo

That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow.

Bartlet

That's not my objection.

Leo

Sir...

Bartlet

It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong.

Leo

I know, but you have to do it anyway.

Bartlet

Why?

Leo

'Cause you won.

Bartlet

Take him.

Margaret

Speaking of health and fitness...

Leo

Oh, merciful God!

Margaret

What did you have...

Leo

I had half a grapefruit!

Margaret

Really?

Leo

You think I'm lying?

Margaret

No.

Leo

Okay.

Margaret

Yes.

McNally

Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace.

Dr. McNally.

McNally

Let's attack.

Who?

McNally

Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.

Leo

Why?

McNally

'Cause I've had it.

I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.

McNally

That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBM's and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now as if the Qumari Air Defense Sytem requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?

[to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me?

McNally

Yes!

Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.

McNally

Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.

All I meant by 'cloak and dagger' is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like you're in the Mafia.

Leo

Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys.

It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.

Leo

That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.

I don't want your stuff.

Leo

You don't know; some of it's good stuff.

Josh

Ten words: "I will make America's defenses the strongest in the history of the world."

Leo

"In the history of the world?" When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation?