Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Josh

Danny thinks w-we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda, assassinated Shareef, then disassembled the plane and distributed the pieces throughout the Bermuda Triangle?

C.J.

Yeah.

Josh

I think he spent too much time in the Africa hot.

C.J.

The thing is...

Josh

Yeah?

C.J.

I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.

Bartlet

Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Miss Cregg. It's the Temptations! I love you guys!

Leo

You only think you've heard everything, but you haven't.

Bartlet

Hit me.

Leo

Toby.

Toby

James Hoebuck will vote yea ten-thirty if we give him $115,000.

Bartlet

Million?

Josh

Thousand. $115,000.

Bartlet

For an RV? What's he want?

Leo

An NIH study on remote prayer.

Bartlet

I like it. There should be a button on my desk I can press and forty-nine people instantly pray for me.

Donna

You took funding for remote prayer to the President?

Josh

I did it with gusto.

Donna

That's 'cause you don't know the story of Fishhooks McCarty.

Josh

Is this a real person or a Donna person?

Donna

Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "O Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest."

Josh

Not that there needs to be, but... was there a point?

Donna

You've got health and strength, both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.

Josh

Yeah... You're going to need some Kryptonite, by the way.

Donna

Okay, settle down.

Josh

All right.

Donna

So you've got health and strength.

Josh

And we'll steal the rest?

Donna

Bet your ass.

Josh

All right. Good work tonight.

Bartlet

I have a problem.

Josh

Well, you're about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan and it's going to be wildly unpopular.

Bartlet

All right: two problems.

Donna

Tickets came.

Josh

For?

Donna

The balls.

Josh

Could you handle mine for me until it's over?

Donna

Yeah.

Josh

Thanks.

Donna

Know what Jack will be wearing? A saber.

Josh

God, Donna, please tell me that's not the only thing he's wearing.

Donna

No, he'll be wearing his dress blues, Warfare pin, Submarine Officer pin, two Commendation Medals, Meritorious Unit, Purple Heart, Bronze cross...and a saber.

Josh

...I'll be wearing a tuxedo from Gary's.

Josh

You want to go to Orange County?

CJ

I think we have to go. [to Bartlet] Even though there's $1,300 with your name on it if you don't make me go with you.

Toby

Get over the dress, would you?

CJ

It was a suit, and they hit me with an avocado!

Toby

It could have been worse.

CJ

How?

Toby

They could have hit me.

Josh

Your sense of humor's a bit of a high wire act isn't it? You're really trying to thread the needle.

Donna

And half of it you don't even get.

Donna

So, you're our new sawbones.

Joe

A sawbones is a doctor.

Donna

Is it?

Joe

Yeah. Lawyer's a shyster.

Donna

[to Josh] I got him to say it.

Joe

I don't... Josh is a lawyer.

Donna

Well, yeah, I mean he went to law school, but...

Donna

You don't practice law is all I was saying.

Josh

I don't practice law? I help write the laws, I write the laws, I make the laws, I am the law.

I'm leading Bookbag's paparazzi patrol for three months.

Really? Bit of a powderpuff detail there, isn't it, fella?

Nah, I go where I'm told.

So in your training what were you taught to do if, say, a stringer for Town and Country were to get in her face?

You know I can kill you and just make up the reason why I did, right?

Josh

I think we made a mistake.

Donna

What?

Josh

Letting the President step aside.

Will

Have you been watching CNN, MSNBC? Even FOX is treating it as a seminar on the resiliency of the Constitution.

Josh

The President's daughter is probably tied up in the back of a gas station. We have no idea how this is playing.

Will

He showed he's a leader, nobly embracing his own flawed humanity.

Josh

Lincoln and Kennedy had children who died. They didn't take a sabbatical.

Toby

Who's been calling?

Josh

Congressional leadership.

Toby

Lincoln never got a ransom note from Jefferson Davis. He's putting country before family. I'd carpet bomb Mecca to get my kids back.

Josh

What if they like Walken better? What if he seems more presidential? What if they want Walken to stay?

Will

In a few days, President Bartlet turns the second letter over to Congress.

Josh

What if it doesn't take a few days? What if it takes a few weeks, a few months? What if she's never found?

Josh

You're campaigning in the middle of a national tragedy....

You don't get it, do you? The Republicans are in awe of Bartlet. He recused himself in the only way he could. In the way envisioned by the Constitution... The whole notion of the 25th Amendment is that the institution matters more than the man. Bartlet's decision was even more self-sacrificing because he willingly gave power to his opposition.

Josh

The institution may matter more, but it's your guy protecting it, not ours.

A truly self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice.

Josh

So, now you're going to nail us to the cross.

No. You beat the terrorists at their own game. We're not stupid, Josh. We try to use this to our advantage, it will blow up in our faces. We'd seem callous and unfeeling. In contrast to Bartlet's extraordinary gesture of courage and patriotism. And anyone who thinks otherwise has a particularly craven way of looking at politics.

Josh

[reading] "This isn't about partisan politics. It's about what's best for the country. However long this crisis lasts we're fortunate to have President Walken here to lead us." That's a great quote.

Thanks.

Josh

"However long this crisis lasts..." That's a nice...turn of phrase. Of course, a more accurate description of that period of time would be "Till President Bartlet signs the second letter and boots Walken's fat ass out of our White House."

What the hell are you going on about?

Josh

You're campaigning in the middle of a national tragedy. Zoey Bartlet's out in the field, breathing through a straw; you're test-driving sound bites for the next election? Straight answer, Steve, once in your life. What are you guys up to? Closed-door meetings, planting quotes in the Times... What's next? Spontaneous speeches on the House floor questioning President Bartlet's fitness to lead?

You don't get it, do you? Republicans are in awe of Bartlet. He recused himself in the only way he could. In the way envisioned by the Constitution.

Josh

None of the framers were afraid of the President's daughter being kidnapped at musket-point.

The whole notion of the 25th Amendment is that the institution matters more than the man. Bartlet's decision was even more self-sacrificing because he willingly gave power to his opposition.

Josh

The institution may matter more, but it's your guy protecting it, not ours.

A truly self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice.

Josh

So now you're going to nail us to the cross?

No. You beat the terrorists at their own game. We're not stupid, Josh. We try to use this to our advantage, it'll blow up in our faces. We'd seem callous and unfeeling, in contrast to Bartlet's extraordinary gesture of courage and patriotism. And anyone who thinks otherwise, has a particularly craven way of looking at politics.

Will

Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh

Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby

I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh

[about Haffley] What the hell just...

Leo McGarry

Will. In the Oval, and grab C.J.

Josh

We just... we got tagged. [They walk into the Outer Oval Office.] Idiot thinks he tagged us.

Toby

He did.

Josh

He's bluffing.

Will

We don't blink.

Leo

What the hell is he thinking? Is he just in over his head?

Josh

He's an idiot. And he's bluffing.

Will

We put up Berryhill and we wait for the Republicans to self-destruct.

C.J.

If we have the time.

Josh

He's an idiot, he's bluffing, and we're going to destroy him.

Leo

You worried about it leaking or are you worried about our numbers?

C.J.

Both. How long can we spin this so our numbers hold? If it drags on and gets ugly and people have time to worry...

Toby

We've got a fight; with this list it's a joke. August Adar would bore the country into a stupor and Starkey is, forgive me, sir, more likely to keel over in the next three years than you are.

Josh

That's what Haffley's counting on. The longer he drags this out, the longer he's next in line.

Will

Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh

Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby

I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh

That's their agenda: sniper anyone who looks hard to beat next time around.

C.J.

I thought this choice wasn't about partisan politics.

Josh

It is now.

Will

Wait, the Democrats actually like the list?

Josh

They aren't wild about Berryhill. Donna!

Toby

Our esteemed Minority Leader thinks it's not a bluff and we won't win a battle in the House.

Josh

Our esteemed Minority Leader is running for President in three years. Donna, get me Leo!

Ryan

[pokes his head in] Donna went to the bathroom.

Josh

She's not allowed to do that. Just get me Leo.

Ryan

Uh, Leo McGarry?

Josh

Yes, Leo McGarry.

C.J.

[enters] They leaked the list; the Starkey Russell list.

Will

Is that bad? It makes Berryhill look even better.

Toby

Guys, we can't confirm Berryhill.

C.J.

We can't?

Will

We're having trouble with the Democrats.

C.J.

Wow. Along with the Republicans, that's kind of everyone.

Toby

We've got to move on.

Josh

Move on? We don't move on from our first post-Walken showdown. This is the single, most defining decision the President makes.

Toby

No kidding. And time's running out and if we don't find someone they'll confirm by tomorrow...

C.J.

We had other names.

Ryan

[comes back in] Hey, uh, sorry. Does anyone know Mr. McGarry's extension?