Owen Newitt quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

Owen

[to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.

David

Load both barrels.

Geraldine

What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?

Owen

Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.

Jim

No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!

David

Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

Owen

She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.

Alice

Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.

Hugo

Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.

Owen

As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.

Jim

Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Geraldine

Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen

That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine

No it didn't, Owen.

Owen

Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim

Except me.

Frank

And me.

Owen

And me if I'm honest.

Geraldine

This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim

Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine

No, no!

Owen

Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine

Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank

Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!

Geraldine

... Yeah. Thanks for that!

Owen

[Reading his letter to the Prime Minister] Dear Prime Minister...

Geraldine

Good Start!

Owen

Listen up, you stupid Prick...

Geraldine

Smell a tiny problem there...

Owen

Yes, well, I thought he must get a lot of letters and that I should grab his attention right from the beginning.

Geraldine

Yeah, good point, I think that might be a little bit counter-productive, but let's see how we continue...

Owen

Dear Prime Minister, listen up, you stupid Prick...

Geraldine

Yes...

Owen

Yours sincerely, Owen Newitt.

David

Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here.

Geraldine

[surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride...

Geraldine

I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks...

David

Somebody cheer her up.

Owen

I'll marry you, Dollyknockers!

Geraldine

Shut up!

Geraldine

Right, Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.

Owen

Yes, I'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer.

Geraldine

... right, well fire away.

Geraldine

Next!