Geraldine Granger quotes from The Vicar of Dibley

[moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.

Alice

Really?

Geraldine

[to Alice] No, not really.

Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.

Geraldine

[shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.

Excellent.

Geraldine

Yeah.

Alice

And I'm Alice.

[shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a surprise so I actually receive a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.

Alice

Oh, we had a bell like that... We wired it wrong...

David

Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here.

Geraldine

[surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride...

Geraldine

I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks...

David

Somebody cheer her up.

Owen

I'll marry you, Dollyknockers!

Geraldine

Shut up!

Geraldine

[writing in a notebook] Right, so just her first and last name then.

Well...

Geraldine

Come on Harry. You shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't even know their name.

[slowly] Well... obviously it's... Geraldine...

Geraldine

[writing] Geraldine...

Granger.

Geraldine

[writing] Grange...

Geraldine

[shocked] Pardon?

Geraldine Granger... I'm asking you to marry me, Geraldine Granger.

Geraldine

What about-What about that other one you've been living with? Rosie the pretty one -

-My sister?

Geraldine

-WHAT?!

Geraldine

Right, Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.

Owen

Yes, I'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer.

Geraldine

... right, well fire away.

Geraldine

Next!

Geraldine

So Frank, how many verses?

Frank

108. It's quite a controversial thesis and it took a little bit of time to formulate my... peroration.

Geraldine

Right, well, would you forgive us if we didn't hear all of the verses?

Frank

I could drop 1 or 2 in the middle.

Geraldine

Fire away!

Geraldine

You say it.

Alice

Next.

Frank

(walks away mumbling sadly)

Geraldine

Can I just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition - indeed, all my hopes that after 10 years there is one shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely upon you?

Jim

No... No-no, no-no, no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done.

Geraldine

Good.

Jim

Then I realised... the actual birth.

Geraldine

Bad. And so it goes?

Geraldine

(Bangs head down on the table extreme force)

Alice

I rather like that.