The Venture Bros. quotes

Brock

Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.

What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--

Hank

The piranha.

No.

Hank

The shark?

No!

Hank

(pause) The piranha?

NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!

Did you lift anything heavy?

Dean

(in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.

Were you roughhousing with your brother?

Dean

Nooo.

(suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-

Dean

No! Gross!

I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.

Dean

(groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!

Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!

Dean

Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!

Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.

Dean

Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!

I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?

Dean

Ahhhuh!!I want a doctor!!

Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a moment.

Dr. Girlfriend

(oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?

Alright, let's see them.

Dean

I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.

Oh, come on!

Dean

You said you wouldn't look!

I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.

Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."

Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."

Don't forget the huge head!

Hey! I copped to it! Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?

Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.

Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!

Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.

Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

Well, what happens if we wait?

That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.

Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...

You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.

Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

Dean

Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank

Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

Boss, there's a monster down here!

I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!

I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!

Hank. Hank! I am your real father!

Hank

No way. No way, that's not true!

Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!

Hank

Man, this is the coolest book ever! There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs!

Oh yeah, the Zoo Creeper. Oh, hey, am I in there?

Hank

Ummmmmm, nope.

M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!

Hank

Uh-uh.

Try T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!

Hank

Hmm, nothin'.

Hank

I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!

You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!

Hank

Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.

Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?

Brock

I didn't sleep in my clothes.

27! Burn his sheets!

Brock

You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)

Dr. Girlfriend

You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!

Brock

To be honest with you, I never really considered that.

Dr. Girlfriend

Why not?

Brock

Just didn't.

Dr. Girlfriend

(obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock

Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?

Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will ever be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.

Dr. Orpheus

Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.

You're kidding, right?

Dr. Orpheus

It just seems so romantic.

Oh sure, it looks all glamorous from the outside, but really it's a huge pain in the ass. They send robots into your lab, break everything, and does my insurance policy cover arch enemies? No.

Dr. Orpheus

I'm jealous! There, I said it.

If you want one so bad, take one of mine.