The Venture Bros. quotes

Col. Fun has arrived! (taking the drink from Jonas's hand) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it's got herpes!

Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in...

Dr. Jonas Venture

Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)

More like Ms. Bollocks-Buster. If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth!

Try me. [Col. Gentleman kisses her on the cheek]]

Dean

Hank, are you listening to me?

Hank

Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.

Dean

Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!

Hank

Well then we should team up. With the girls!

Dean

We can't! They're ... they're suspects.

Hank

Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?

Dean

What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

Looks like I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I'd be a multi-millionaire!

Dean

Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!

She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!

Dean

We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)

Dean

The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)

Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.

Ew!

...Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal Fertility Idols from irritable headhunters.

Oh, that... I’ve been researching alternative cures for impotence... not for me, of course.

Have you not tried Viagra?

It makes me... my customers; headaches, nausea, dyspepsia and/or diarrhea. Anyway, enough shop-talk, how have you’ve been?

Hank Venture

There was even talk of french toast! But there was none to be had.

I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.

Alchemist

Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?

Jefferson Twilight

Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)

No, its because you soiled yourself...and he's gay [disappears in smoke]

Jefferson Twilight

I am not diggin' this "Charlie's Angels" crap.

Alchemist

At least they got an intercom. What do we get!?

Jefferson Twilight

Damn it, Orpheus! I almost had that bloodsucker. Aww, now I got the blue balls in my blood eye.

Jefferson Twilight

I go where the blacktion is.

Jefferson Twilight

[bitterly] You're not my mama. She was taken by marauding blackulas when I was 10.

And let me tell you somethin' about ants! You know that whole "Ants can lift a hundred times their own weight" thing? It's a myth! Think about it. What's an ant weigh? Like, nothin'. What nothin' times a hundred?

Brock

Uh...nothin'?

It's nothin'!

Dr. Orpheus

Perhaps I should cast a spell of protection on the machine.

Jefferson Twilight

No! No magic! Remember what happened last time? I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk outta here in Aquaman Underoos!

That’s it, just like that, easy. Pull back a bit, god, your right on top of me.

Brock

I can’t help it... it’s stiff, doc. Maybe I should lube this thing up before we take it down there.

It’ll be fine. It’s not built for speed, it’s built for deep penetration.

Brock

All right, that’s it. You promise no penetration jokes.

Oh come on, look at that thing! How can I resist? Its practically a monument to my father’s repression.

Dr. Orpheus

It appears your father was engage in some sort of experiment, but why would he abandon it in such haste?

Hank

He gets bored pretty easy.

Dean

And rarely tidys his work area.

Hank

Hey do you think maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here, they went, down there?

Dr. Orpheus

You... you mean, you didn’t check?

Dean

Are you kidding? That’s like, the basement!

Hank

It’s super spooky down there!

Dr. Orpheus

Oh dear god.

Hank

Why else would we call magic guys to help us look!

Jefferson Twilight

Oh no, no no no! 16 years old!

Jefferson Twilight

[Sarcastically] "Triad emergency."

Dr. Orpheus

I said I was sorry. The boys a very, active imaginations. They're given to flights of fancy.

The Alchemist

Yes, the little imps have certainly skylarked us into a mare's nest this time.

Jefferson Twilight

The skinny one thinking he has a shot at his daughter, now that’s an active imagination.