I've rotted away in gulags, work camps, penal colonies in every dirty, flea-bitten corner of creation. But I promised myself that I would NEVER END UP IN HOBOKEN!!! AT LEAST NOT ALIVE!!! I WILL PLUCK OUT MY OWN EYEBALLS!!! I SWEAR TO YOU!!!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[once noticing the humans are unconscious by Private's Quantum Hyper Cute] Tell me, who among you is the Dark Wizard?
[The penguins step aside to show Private]
That guy.
I was just trying this new little thing I could do! You know, kind of a little... [uses the Quantum Hyper Cute as the other Penguins look away] Boosh.
[lovingly] OH, LOOK AT HOW CUTE-- TOO CUTE! TOO CUTE!!
Boys! Butter me up.
Your leadership is impeccable and your musk is an intoxicating blend of danger and… ugh.” [Skipper slaps him] Right. [sees the tray of butter and realizes what Skipper was referring to.]
[he suddenly goes crazy] Sardines? FISH! [he runs towards Rico, who kicks him away and glares angrily]
[Private smacks into the wall and is held back by Skipper and Kowalski before he can get away]
Private!
Private! Explain yourself, soldier!
FISH! [laughs crazily]
[creeped out] Kowalski, analysis!
[Kowalski measures Private's head and puts a magnifying glass next to Private's right eye]
Crazy eyes...[ puts a popsicle stick on Private's tongue. Private waves his flippers up and down] Babbling tongue...
[Private bites Kowalski's flipper, frees himself of their grip and runs to Rico, who pushes Private over]
FISH!
Egad! I believe our Norwegian herring was a bit too aged.
Never ever blame the fish, Kowalski!
But don't you see? [pulls out a clipboard & pencil] Private's contracted Bacterial, Pisces Dementia! A rare brain disease that's turning him into a fish-craving psychopath!
Hey! That's my thing!
Yeah, we don't need two of those. Can he be cured?
It should wear off in 24 hours just as long as he doesn't feed the disease. [pulls up a chart with a fish on it] That means no fish of any kind. If Private ingests so much as a single sardine, he'll be like this forever.
[he launches at the chart] FISH!
[Rico, slyly, puts the sardines in front of Private's face and pulls it away, when he tries to get it, Kowalski and Skipper hold him back and Private yells, "FISH!" Rico does it again and again and again]
Stop that!
Well, on the bright side, maybe this will teach Private not to overindulge in so much brined herring. [chuckles]
Wait, didn't you eat as much as he did? [Kowalski's right eye moves away then back to normal before showing he's been affected by the disease.]
Why, yes I...dooby-dooby-did! FISH!! [he lunges at Rico, but he pushes him away. Skipper keeps the two penguins away from the fish, slapping them repeatedly.]
Looks like we're on psycho patrol, amigo. No fish for these two for the next 24 hours.
[suspicious] Uhh, what about you?
[confidently; still slapping] Luckily, my iron-clad constitution has made me immune to this Pisces Dementia.
Oh. [looks at him]
Seriously. [Rico stares at him again] No effect. [Rico gives one serious look] Iron-clad constitution.
[Rico smiles, thinking that it should be all right. Unfortunately, Rico panics as he stops hearing Skipper slapping Private and Kowalski. He stares at Skipper, seeing that he was affected by the disease like Private and Kowalski.]
FIIIISH!
AHHH! [Rico quickly eats the sardines and is chased around the HQ by the three fish-craving penguins. He blocks the door.]
Uh-uh-uh! No fish!
[from outside] Feeding time!
[pause for a while before charging up the ladder] FIIIISH!
Since when did we get four Ricos?
[Alice continues to throw the fish and Rico eats it.]
Hey! Baron von Greedenstein! Save some for the rest of the flock! [She uses a long pole to hold him back.]
[sarcastically] Great. All full then? [the three penguins are still wanting fish] Whatever, freaks. [leaves]
Uh-uh! No fish!
DTDelivery Truck Driver
Yo, zookeeper lady. Where do you want this truckload of fresh cod fillets?
Aw, no!!
FISH!!!
[tired] No... fish...
FWFactory Worker
Alright people! That tuna ain't gonna can itself!
[A siren sounds and the camera shows a conveyor belt full of fish starting up.]
[rubs his eyes in shock] Are you kidding me?! [The craving penguins try to get past Rico, who holds them back.]
FISH! FISH! GIMME!! GIMME!!! GIMME!
NO! [As he continues to fight the penguins, Rico then sees a giant, fake fish on top of a building across the street and points to it, getting an idea.]
[opera voice] ♪FEEEESH!!!♪
[The other penguins look at what Rico's pointing to.]
WOOHEE!!! FISH..!!!!!!
Hahaha! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go ahead! Suckers!
[Skipper and Alex are dodging Dr. Blowhole's missiles.]
AAlex
Way to stick the landing! You were born to dance!
[shocked] You mean like a pretty little ballerina?
AAlex
You know, you are suprisingly light on those little webbed toes. Not unlike a pretty little ballerina.
[Zoom in on Skipper's horrified face.]
[anguished] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Skipper falls to his knees as Alex jumps out of the way, letting a missile fly overhead Skipper, blowing up a rock behind him. In Dr. Blowhole's lair, a monitor reads "IMPACT".]
Wait! Rewind a little!
[The lobster rewinds the audio.]
SSSkipper's voice
[on monitor] Hans!
Too far back, fast forward.
[The lobster forwards the audio.]
BSDr. Blowhole's voice
[on monitor] Wait! Rewind a little!
Too forward!
[The lobster rewinds the audio again.]
SSSkipper's voice
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
No, no, that's it! Freeze it!
LLobster
You want me to freeze sound, Doc?
That is definitely the scream of an arch-enemy who has met his doom. [snickers evilly]
LLobster
I mean, I can freeze picture, but sound exists in a continuum.
I get it. Whatever.
LLobster
It's just that you ask me to do the impossible, and not the first time, I might add.
[threateningly] You know that big pot of water in the back, that I keep at a steady, slow boil, next to the movie butter?
LLobster
[scared] Sound is frozen.
OK, Mort, we have enough food for several days. I'm sure Skipper will find us soon, right?
[sniffing his finger] Mmm! My finger smells funny! [giggles] You wanna smell it?
No, I'd rather conserve energy and sleep; you should do the same [starts sleeping]
Nighty-night. [stares his head left and right]
[After a time transition, Mort was revealed to eat all the food in the machine and lets out a really loud and long burp, waking Private up]
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP!!!!!!!!
Oh, what was that?
[lying on the machine, fattened up rubbing his big full Tummy] Ooh! My tummy don't feel so good.
What happened? Where's the food?
Well, I got hungry.
[a bit angry] So you ate everything?! Even the Cheezy Bits?!
They're not so bad after the fifth bag.
[begins screaming in pain] Do you realize what you've done, Mort? We needed that food! It's doom to us both!
[sits down] Doom?!
Yes, doom, doom, doom, because you're dumb, dumb, dumb! [Mort begins crying] Don't you dare crying!; Because only worse than being trapped with you the rest of my life is being trapped for the rest of my life with you crying!
[Later at The Zoo]
See, Mort? It was good that you ate the food!
But you told me not too.
I Know Mort! But it was good that you did anyway because it saved us! Don't you understand?
[Mort puts his paws on his Tummy as his Tummy Gurgles very loudly and he let's out a very loud and big Fart.]
I have to go potty!
One mistake little friend, we are like the three musketeers, except there are four of us and we’re birds and in no way French, but the same team mentality applies.
DDale
Couldn't care less.
NOOOOOOO...!!! They're eating my babies... BARBARIANS!!!
Those dashed hopes would plant a dark seed of bitterness in Private's pure heart. And that baby seed will grow into a tree of hate, with leaves of cynicsm, jaded roots, and bitter hipster berries!
[as a hipster in the vision] I wear glasses even though I don't need them, 'cause I'm ironic.
[Private tries to use his Quantum Hyper Cute, only for his feathers to fall out as he does.]
Of course, the itchy feathers. He's... [gasps] molting!
[disgusted] Ew!
To the bunker! And cover the Private's shame.
[After Skipper, Kowalski and Rico scrub off the marker off of Private in a failed attempt to reverse his molting; Skipper, Kowalski and Rico look at Private in shock.]
[confused] What? Did you miss a spot?
No, we were very... thorough. [gags]
[Upon finding out that he's completely naked, Private screams in horror, scaring away some birds as he does.]
[weary] Wow. That was nasty.
[In response, the zoo visitors instead recoil from Private's Anti Cute Attack.]
I failed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Penguins of Madagascar pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.