Private quotes from The Penguins of Madagascar

Private

Isn't it a bit fishy that Santa's just strolling about on Christmas Eve, with no reindeer, or sleigh, and he's using an ELEVATOR?!

Skipper

Pop quiz, troops. What can't we trust?

Kowalski

[flipping through his notebook] Three-day-old stir-fry mung beans.

Skipper

Right. What else can't we trust?

Private

[holding up a book on badgers] Badgers!

Private

...Maybe that's just me.

Skipper

Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.

Kowalski

He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.

Private

He's enslaved the entire zoo!

King Julien

I cannot be believing my ears. [furious] Maurice ATE MY LYCHEE NUTS!

Private

[after he and Skipper also get hurt] Skipper, maybe it's time to admit we've lost.

Kowalski

[stumbling in the background] The moo-cow may have a chocolate marshmallow.

Kowalski

Well, nothing left to do but whip up another batch of antidote.

Private

Actually, I don't think that won't be necessary. Private likes big.

Rico

Oh, boy.

Private

[hears Skipper wheeze and cough, followed by a bucket being kicked] Skipper's... gone? It-it-it can't be! [jumps off] What'll we do?

Kowalski

We'll honour him the way he would've wanted... by soldiering on like men. [salutes]

Rico

Why, why, WHYYYYYYY!?!?

Dr. Blowhole

I am so glad you could all join me to witness history. I am, of course, especially pleased that my fli-i-i-ghtless foes graced us with their presence.

Skipper

[annoyed] Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Private

There's nothing good on Tely tonight anyway.

Dr. Blowhole

[hovering over Private] Well, Private, here's a little show I whipped up. It's called:

Ring of Fire.

Dr. Blowhole

It is fitting that I returned to the very aqua theater where I performed tricks for the duller humans. Oh, how it made me bitter.

Private

Sorry. Did he say "bitter" or "better"?

Skipper

Hard to say; the sound really bounces around in here.

Kowalski

No, that would be the high ceilings.

Dr. Blowhole

My humiliation in the Ring of Fire became my inspiration. In the Frozen North, we've constructed a vast circle of certainly surprising devices that tap into the heat of the Earth's core. [four drill-like devices break through the ice, glowing]

Skipper

Oh, come on. [Dr. Blowhole zooms over to Skipper]

Dr. Blowhole

Do you mind?! I'm just getting to the good part! It's re-e-ealy quite a shocker.

Skipper

It's so obvious. Humiliated by the humans-

Private

-activate the Ring of Fire-

Kowalski

-melt the Arctic-

Skipper

Well, how did we do, punk?

Dr. Blowhole

[slightly surprised] You're... in the ball park.

Kowalski

Private, do you honestly like Skipper's monkfish surprise?

Private

[trance] No. It tastes like elephant sweat, but everyone pretends to like it to spare Skipper's fragile ego.

Skipper

[despaired] My whole life... is a lie!

Skipper

[after realizing Buck Rockgut was crazy] Well, maybe we left our paranoia caps on a little too long.

Private

I do feel bad for the old guy. He's wasted decades chasing an enemy that probably doesn't even exist. [the penguins glide on their stomachs back to the zoo; a telescope appears out of a bush and reveals an underground lair]

[pushing the record button on a tape recorder] Red Squirrel's log. Special Agent Rockgut has been dispos-sed of. [turns his chair around] Time to get to work. [laughs maniacally and leaps toward a metal door, but crashes into it] Stupid eye-patch.

Private/Skipper, you've got to stop me!!

Private

[in response to the first future Kowalski] Um... okay. Kowalski, stop, please.

Skipper

[in response to and kicks the second future Kowalski] There, you're stopped.

No, not me, me! That me!

There's 2 of you?

Skipper

Private, listen to me. I have a Kowalski from the future who--

Private

You have a future Kowalski? I have a future Kowalski! And mine says it must be destroyed!

Skipper

Well, mine says it must be saved.

Private

Oh, dear! Which future Kowalski do we listen to?

Skipper

I say... the one that lets you slap a hippie!

Kowalski

When they blow up the shot, we are going to be plastered across every billboard and bus stop in Manhattan.

Private

Oh, dear! Our cover will be blown!

Kowalski

Well, it gets worse. Skipper, you better have a look at this. [hands Skipper his binocluars]

Skipper

[looks closer at the photo] What? I don't see-- Wait. What is that stuck to my foot? Is that...?

Kowalski

It is. Toilet tissue.

Skipper

T.P. foot?! Insult to injury!

Kowalski

Comparing it to this tissue sample, I would say it is two-- no, three-ply! So, you know, there's... that.

King Julien

That was the most "awesome-est" thing I have ever seen that wasn't me!

Skipper

Rico! [The other Penguins show up at the Lemur Habitat, all looking angry] Who authorized that billboard detonation, hmm?!

Julien

Who authorized anybody to care? Ha! The shiny face sign is gone, and there was exploding! Haha! High-five the awesome baby!

Rico

Alright! [high-fives with Julien]

Kowalski

[to Skipper with reminding words] You did tell him to take care of King Julien's problem...

Julien

You know? I can think of many other things that also could use a good "Kabooming," if you know what I mean!

Skipper

Whoa, Ringtail! There's a reason we don't let Rico go wild with the kaboom. He needs a guiding hand to pull him back before things go too far-- [Rico and Julien then doze off from Skipper's warning about Rico's problem, instead imagining what they can blow up by constantly repeating the phrase "Kaboom" in their heads] --fiery end of life as we know it! Comprende?

[monotoned] Kaboom! Kaboom!

Julien

[regains consciousness] Uh-heh, I mean, of course! It is unwise that we two shall Kaboom together [winks to Rico] ever again.

Private

Why are you winking?

Julien

Because, I'm... allergic to, uh... Shut up, okay?

Skipper

Move in hard and fast, men! Rico's a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind.

Julien

Haha! Too late, you silly penguin! Already he is expanding my kingdom with the most "mayhem-iest" destructo machine ever! Hahaha!-- [Just as Julien starts laughing, Rico is heard making a buzzing noise from Julien's throne and is seen shuddering violently] Okay, why is he just standing there?

Skipper

YOU MANIAC! YOU LET HIM GO TOO FAR!! He's built up too much psychotic pressure!

Julien

Too much... what?

Private

Don't you see? RICO IS THE DESTRUCTO MACHINE!!

Julien

[devastated] My... kingdom...

Private

You did the right thing, Julien... Eventually... When you had no other choice... Um... Good job?

Julien

[delighted] Look how roomy it is now! Finally, a habitat fit for a king! Come, Maurice, let us wallow in the luxurious nothing!

Mort

Hooray for nothing!