Kowalski quotes from The Penguins of Madagascar

Kowalski

Well, I'll be a bicycle-cream-cone!

Kowalski

This red line shows the frustration level of a really smart person forced to take orders from some dunderbrained boob. As you can see, the frustration just keeps rising, and rising, and rising. I mean, why don't they put the smart guy in charge, huh?! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE, PEOPLE!!! AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?!

Kowalski

Of course! It's the salt. The sodium granules released from the pretzel cart into the convective cloud layer must have sparked a freezing nucleation reaction and BOOM! Instant rain.

Kowalski

I like peanuts, and I like butter, but I do not like peanut butter... [breaks the fourth wall with a creepy grin of idiocy] WEIRD!

Kowalski

NOOOOOOO...!!! They're eating my babies... BARBARIANS!!!

Maurice

[After calling the other zoo animals to the lemur habitat] You’ve all been called here today to dig a proclamation from King Julien himself!

Marlene

[To Burt the elephant] Thirty peanuts says this is about his feet.

Make it forty.

King Julien

[Clears his throat] From this moment that is happening now and on, those who touch the king’s feet, which are mine, will be punished most savagely! [He unfurls a piece of paper with a foot in a “Not allowed” sign] I drew that. Me. I did. [Everyone groans]

Mort

No feet?

Skipper

Well, that’s five minutes of our lives we won’t get back.

Kowalski

Until I get my time machine fully functioning. [Everyone leaves]

Julien

Wait! This is a very serious proclamation that I am proclaiming! [Slaps the “No feet allowed” sign on the volcano] Look! It is posted right here on the plastic volcano! And ANYONE who dares to be touching my beautiful feets shall be banish-ed from my kingdom! FOREVER!!!!!!

Maurice

[Pretending to echo] Ever! Ever. Ever…

Julien

What are you doing?

Maurice

Echoing your for dramatic effect!

Julien

Oh, nice! I like it! Now go to rebuilding my super comfy pamper-time floaty throne! And make it floatier and super comfy! [Maurice leaves]

Mort

[Sadly poking his head out from behind a rock, staring at Julien’s feet] Banished… forever?

Julien

Forever!

Maurice

Ever! Ever! Ever!

Skipper

Pop quiz, troops. What can't we trust?

Kowalski

[flipping through his notebook] Three-day-old stir-fry mung beans.

Skipper

Right. What else can't we trust?

Private

[holding up a book on badgers] Badgers!

Private

...Maybe that's just me.

Skipper

Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.

Kowalski

He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.

Private

He's enslaved the entire zoo!

King Julien

I cannot be believing my ears. [furious] Maurice ATE MY LYCHEE NUTS!

Skipper

[After the rat king jumps on Kowalski while playing hockey; concerned]: Kowalski, speak to me, man!

Kowalski

[lying on ground] Just a... knock on the old... [twitches] ...monkey bus.

Skipper

[confused] Kowalski?

Kowalski

[stumbling on ice] No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever.

Skipper

[after Kowalski gets up and picks up hockey stick] I...don't think you're fit for duty.

Kowalski

[continuing to stumble] Flibertigibit, man. I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger. [slips and falls on his belly]

Private

[after he and Skipper also get hurt] Skipper, maybe it's time to admit we've lost.

Kowalski

[stumbling in the background] The moo-cow may have a chocolate marshmallow.

Kowalski

Well, nothing left to do but whip up another batch of antidote.

Private

Actually, I don't think that won't be necessary. Private likes big.

Rico

Oh, boy.

Kowalski

[goes up to Fred in the tree] You there. [Fred looks down at him and sees him holding up a drawing of King Julian and Marlene] Have you seen this Lemur and Otter?

Which one of them is the Otter?

Kowalski

[Looks at photo and points to Marlene] This one, obviously. Note the whiskers.

No, I-I thought that was a Cat.

Kowalski

Did I say "Have you seen this Lemur and Cat?"

No, that's why I thought it was strange that you drew a Cat.

Kowalski

It's not a Cat.

Then why does it have whiskers?

Kowalski

You know what, never mind the Otter.

Cat.

Kowalski

Whatever! [Holds the drawing up again] Have you seen the Lemur?

What's a Lemur?

Kowalski

[Turns around and walks away] I think we're done here.

Private

[hears Skipper wheeze and cough, followed by a bucket being kicked] Skipper's... gone? It-it-it can't be! [jumps off] What'll we do?

Kowalski

We'll honour him the way he would've wanted... by soldiering on like men. [salutes]

Rico

Why, why, WHYYYYYYY!?!?

Dr Blowhole

You'll appreciate this, Kowalski. I've installed a lair Theater System, High definition with surround sound. Exre-e-emely spendy.

Kowalski

[slightly angry] Oh, why do the bad guys always get the good stuff?

Dr. Blowhole

I am so glad you could all join me to witness history. I am, of course, especially pleased that my fli-i-i-ghtless foes graced us with their presence.

Skipper

[annoyed] Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Private

There's nothing good on Tely tonight anyway.

Dr. Blowhole

[hovering over Private] Well, Private, here's a little show I whipped up. It's called:

Ring of Fire.

Dr. Blowhole

It is fitting that I returned to the very aqua theater where I performed tricks for the duller humans. Oh, how it made me bitter.

Private

Sorry. Did he say "bitter" or "better"?

Skipper

Hard to say; the sound really bounces around in here.

Kowalski

No, that would be the high ceilings.

Dr. Blowhole

My humiliation in the Ring of Fire became my inspiration. In the Frozen North, we've constructed a vast circle of certainly surprising devices that tap into the heat of the Earth's core. [four drill-like devices break through the ice, glowing]

Skipper

Oh, come on. [Dr. Blowhole zooms over to Skipper]

Dr. Blowhole

Do you mind?! I'm just getting to the good part! It's re-e-ealy quite a shocker.

Skipper

It's so obvious. Humiliated by the humans-

Private

-activate the Ring of Fire-

Kowalski

-melt the Arctic-

Skipper

Well, how did we do, punk?

Dr. Blowhole

[slightly surprised] You're... in the ball park.