Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.
Jim: That's what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Michael: Thank you, doctor. Take two of these [flips Toby off with both middle fingers] and call me in the morning.

Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together and I made a family.

Michael: There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Michael: They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.
Andy: Hey-oh!

Michael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Guh! Crap, I forgot about Packer...

Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.

Michael: Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley: Oh sweet mother of God.
Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley: Excuse me.
Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael: You're a presentation tool!

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?