Better look sharp, youse mugs. Scarface is back.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Tough luck, Bats. The only way outta this crate's with the right voice, and Fox here is sleepin' like a baby.
RRhino
This ain't funny, boss.
No, but it's a laugh riot you blockheads thought you could impressionate me. Youse thought you could decide when I was comin' out? You coulda ruined my plan.
What plan?
I was playin' possum. Layin' low till the heat was off. But then you two numbskulls start up. And when the muscle starts thinkin' it's the brains, then it's time to amputate.
No, Mr. Scarface! Please don't kill them!
Butt out, Dummy, or you can walk the plank too.
MMugsy
Boss, please! We didn't mean no harm!
RRhino
Yeah, boss, we just needed you, is all!
Yeah, yeah, you're breakin' my heart. Sayonara, chumps! [throws dynamite at them]
Arnold, don't do this.
It's out of my hands.
He's the puppet, not you.
Don't listen to him, Dummy! He's playin' you like a cheap fiddle! Do him, already!
[aims at Batman] I'm sorry.
[after a tense silence] Come on, what are you waitin' for? For once in your life, do somethin' right!
Yes.
[Wesker shoots Scarface, sending him tumbling down onto a large fan]
That's it, Dummy! When I get my hands on--
[The fan completely shreds Scarface]
And Mr. Wayne even gave me my job back.
SMrs. Segar
I'm so glad, Arnie. Maybe now that you're back, you won't be such a stranger this time. Use the rec room. Sometimes it helps to be around others.
I will. But for right now, I'm just looking forward to being by myself.
Quick! More bullets!
Sorry, puddin', that was our last clip. You know how expensive they are.
Sounds like someone turned off your cash flow.
If it's a flow you want, I'm happy to oblige.
Well, that was a complete fiasco. If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job. (to Harley Quinn) Gimme the loot.
Don't you have it?
ME? You were the last one to... (The car quietly breaks down and stops as the headlights go out) I thought I told you to get gas!
We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do, fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off?
Mmm-hmm.
Now you tell me.
[They hear tires screeching and turn around to see the Batmobile heading their way.]
Oops, time to eject.
[Joker pushes a lever which launches his seat out of the car on a rocket.]
Hey, where's mine?
Sorry, kiddo! I could only afford one!
You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, ya lousy tightwad!
RReceptionist
A letter came for you today, Mister... Joker. By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.
Sue me. Alas. The bitter jest of fate. The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.(To the hyenas) Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other, will you? (Starts reading a letter) 'Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mister Edward aka 'King' Barlowe...' Ooh, there's good news. I hated him. '...who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total...' Two-hundred and fifty million dollars? WOOHOO!!! WOOHOO!!! WOO!!! Good ol' King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him. (To the hyenas) Bud! Lou! Our ship has come in, boys! We're gonna spend, spend, spend! And I know just what we'll buy first.
Well, now that he's rich, maybe he'll give up crime.
(Batman breaks the device in his hands in half with his bare hands)
Right. I'll call Dick.
What's the scheme this time, Joker?
No scheme at all, old bird. I'm free, I'm rich and I'm lovin' i. I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out. [laughs]
Living well is the best revenge.
[Batgirl and Nightwing stop some gangsters from killing Joker.]
Well done, kiddies.
We were trying to save innocent lives. You're just an unpleasant bonus.
Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you. Here, stick this in your piggy banks. (Hands each of them a banknote. They crumple and drop them, then walk away.]
[laughs] Let the good times roll.
(To Harley) You're pathetic, you know that?
Come on, Ives. So Mr. J. got a little stressed over money. Now that he's loaded, Puddin'll buy my way out, too.
Oh, yeah... right. (shows Harley the newspaper frontpage) Sure thing, Harls.
"Joker seeks new henchgirl"? I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!
$137 million?!
Yes! And if I don't pay up, I'll go to jail for tax evasion! I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS?! No thank you!
FHFake Harley
Hey, Mr. G? This money looks weird.
What do you mean? (Picks up a roll of banknotes) It's a plain ol' pack of hundreds. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little...What? King Barlowe?! He's on this stack! And this one!
FHFake Harley
He's on every one of these thousands.
I don't understand.
Hey, boss. I found this. (holding a video tape)
KBKing Barlowe
(On deathbed, appearing on tape) Hiya, Joker. If you're playing this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million, which knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff - money, jewels, gold - it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money. The IRS is after you, and you can't admit I fooled ya, or you'll be the laughing stock of the underworld. The joke's on you, sucker. I got the last laugh after all. (Laughs, then coughs and grabs his oxygen mask)
(Joker shoots the TV)
If I don't pay my taxes I'll go to jail, but if I admit Barlowe duped me I look like a fool.
Maybe you can raise the money by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish?
Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it SO HE CAN KICK MY KEISTER RIGHT BACK INTO ARKHAM!!! Dope. Fake Harley, any ideas?
FHFake Harley
Anything you say, Mr. G. (laugh)
(Joker tries to shoot Fake Harley)
No, boss!
(Sighs) Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The New Batman Adventures pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.