Kyon quotes from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Kyon

[Narrating] Okay, asking somebody how long they believed in Santa Claus is so stupid; you can't even consider that topic suitable for idle conversation. But if you still wanna know how long I believed in some old fat guy who wears a funky red suit, I can tell you this: I've never believed in him. Ever. The Santa that showed at my kindergarten Christmas festival? I knew he was fake. And I never saw mommy kissing Santa or anything. But I have to say, even as a little kid, I knew better than to believe in some old man who only worked one day a year. Now, having said that, it wasn't until I got older I realized aliens, time travelers, ghosts, monsters, ESPers, evil syndicates, and the anime/manga/fantasy flick heroes that fought said evil syndicates, who are also fake. Okay, I guess I always knew those things were bogus, I just didn't wanna admit it. All I ever wanted was for an alien, time traveler, ghost, monster, ESPer, evil syndicate, or the hero that fought 'em to just appear and say "Hey". Unfortunately, reality is a hard road indeed. Yep, you gotta admit the laws of physics definitely puts a damper on things. I even stopped watching those TV shows about aliens and ghosts and stuff. Aliens, time travelers, ESPERS...'course they don't exist! But a little part of me wishes they did. I guess I've grown up and realized that I can think about those things and still accept reality. But by the time I got out of junior high, I pretty much outgrew that kind of stuff and I guess I got used to the idea of living in an ordinary world. And just like that, I was in high school. And that's when I met her.

Kyon

You can't do anything about what doesn't exist. In the end humans settle for what's in front of them. If you think about it, humans who were unable to do that made discoveries or inventions and advanced civilization. Planes were invented because people wanted to fly. Cars and trains came to be because people wanted easier means to move around. However, this came from a limited number of people who had innovative plans and concepts. In other words, geniuses made it all possible. Common folk like us are best off living an ordinary life.

Kyon

[Narrating] Self-proclaimed humanoid interface created by aliens [Referring to Yuki]. Self-proclaimed time-traveling girl [Referring to Mikuru]. Self-proclaimed squad of ESPer boys [Referring to Itsuki]. They've shown me enough proof that I may now safely remove the words "self-proclaimed" from their titles. The three of them, each for their own reasons, mind you, are currently focused on Haruhi Suzumiya. Even if I believe everything I've seen, I still can't figure out one thing: why me? An alien, a girl from the future, and an ESPer boy all migrated toward Haruhi because, as Koizumi put it, that's what she wished for. What about me? Why have I been dragged feet-first into all this weird stuff, anyway? I mean, I'm a 100% ordinary high-schooler. No special powers or anything here. I mean, who wrote this scenario? Was it you, Haruhi? Yeah, right. It's not like it's my problem anyway. Why do I have to get all worked up about it? All of this is Haruhi's fault. Seriously, she's the one who should be worried about all this weirdness going on, not me. Nagato, Koizumi, Miss Asahina; from now on, they should just speak to her directly, and whatever happens after that, well, that's Haruhi's problem; I've got nothing to do with it. Everyone else can go do whatever they want, as far as I'm concerned.

Kyon

[thinking] There's a big difference between the specs of four laptops and a Nagato, but you wouldn't notice.

Kyon

If that was supposed to be an explanation, I didn't understand a word of it.

Kyon

[seeing Haruhi, Yuki, and Mikuru in yukatas] Excellent!

Kyon

[Narrating] The morning of December 16. It was so cold. And I mean cold that if you took an ice pick and plunged it into the ground, you'd shatter the Earth into a million pieces.

Kyon

[Narrating] It was nice and warm up until the school arts festival, but when December hit, the temperature dropped super-fast, like it was making up for lost time or something. It was like Japan just decided to skip Fall this year. Or, better yet, maybe the guy upstairs confused a prayer for more business with a spell to change the weather or something. Siberian air mass...seriously, I know you have to stick to your route and all, but you could skip us once in a while. It's like the seasons are out of whack or something. Oh great, now I'm worried about the environment. Yeah, well, I might be worried, but it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. Too much work.

Kyon

[Narrating] Do I know what's happening next week? [Referring to his earlier conversation with Taniguchi.] This so-called "event" that's making everyone freak out? Of course I do. It's easy when the person in the seat behind me makes it her mission to keep track of such things. She's the general manager of all the trouble I've gotten into since April. She's the root of all evil in the universe. The person behind every threat to my existence. Uh, yeah...her.

Haruhi Suzumiya

I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, from East Junior High. First off, I'm not interested in ordinary people. But, if any of you are aliens, time-travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all!

Kyon

[Thinking] Is that supposed to be funny?

Kyon

[Narrating] Ever since that day, talking to Haruhi right before homeroom started becoming sort of a ritual. [Aloud] So, is it true that you've dumped every guy you've ever dated?

Haruhi

And just what gives you the right to ask me a question like that? I don't know about anything you've heard. Whatever. You wanna believe it? It's probably true.

Kyon

Well, with all that dating, isn't there at least one guy you were even a little serious about?

Haruhi

Absolutely not. They all took themselves way too seriously, and not even one of those guys were an alien, time traveler, or even an esper.

Kyon

That's how people are normally.

Haruhi

Okay, so what's with most of them asking me out over the phone? I mean, shouldn't important stuff like that be done face-to-face, not phone-to-phone?

Kyon

[Narrating] I'll just agree with her for now...

Haruhi

Yeah, well none of that's important anyway!

Kyon

So what is?

Haruhi

Here's the problem: so far the way it looks is that all the men in this entire universe are pathetic. I mean, all throughout junior high, that was the one thing that irritated me the most.

Kyon

Alright then, so what kind of guy would you have been into? An alien or something?

Haruhi

Yeah. Anything like an alien or something else along those lines. Anyway, as long as the person isn't an ordinary human, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl.

Kyon

Hold on a sec. What's wrong with being human? I mean, why do they have to be an alien?

Haruhi

Because that way, life's more interesting!

Taniguchi

Hey, Kyon. You need to tell me what kind of magic spell you're using!

Kyon

What're you talking about?

Taniguchi

I have never seen Suzumiya talk that long before, and I'm not exaggerating, man! The hell'd you say to her?

Kyon

[Thinking] Huh...Wonder what I could have said to her...I think it was all pretty random stuff.

Taniguchi

This is a phenomenon.

Kyon's always gone after the strange ones. The weirder the better.

Kyon

Little louder, please, so everyone can hear you. [Ryoko approaches Kyon]

I wanna know how you did it. No matter how much I try to talk to her, I can't get Haruhi to answer any of my questions. What do you do to get her to open up? Do you have any tips for me?

Kyon

[Crosses arms] No idea.

Ryoko

Hm...Still, I think it's a good thing. I've been sort of worried about her always completely alone in our class. I think it's really great that she's made at least one friend here.

Kyon

A friend, huh?

Ryoko

Well, just keep doing whatever you're doing, 'cause maybe she'll warm up to the rest of us. I mean, since we're all in the same class, it'd really be for the best if everyone got along. And that's why I'm counting on you.

Kyon

[Thinking] Easy for you to say.

Ryoko

In fact, from now on, if there's ever anything we need to say to her, we'll just talk to you and you can tell her for us.

Kyon

[Aloud] Hey, hang on a sec. What do you think I am? Am I supposed to be your spokesperson or something?

Ryoko

[Folds hands and closes an eye.] Pretty please? [Runs back over to a group of girls who giggle in Kyon's direction. Taniguchi then grabs Kyon by the shoulders and starts rocking him back and forth.]

Taniguchi

Kyon, we're buddies, aren't we? We're pals, right?

Kyon

[Thinking] Everyone's turned into an idiot.

Haruhi

Hey, Kyon! Can you think of anything else we're gonna need right now?

Kyon...

What do you mean?

Haruhi

I wanna get my hands on a mysterious transfer student! What do you think of that?

Kyon...

I beg you... please start the conversation by making the context clear.

Haruhi

It's exactly what the SOS Brigade needs! We need something like a mysterious transfer student!

Kyon...

Okay, before you kidnap anyone else, what do you mean by "mysterious"?

Haruhi

Check it out: school started less than two months ago, right? So I'm thinkin' that anybody who transfers into our school right now has to be mysterious. Am I right?

Kyon...

Maybe the kid's dad got relocated because of work.

Haruhi

Oh, work with me here! It's not normal!

Kyon...

I'd sorta like to know what you consider "normal," but I'm almost afraid to ask.

Mikuru Asahina

[To Kyon] Um, say Kyon, if I find I'm unable to get married after all this, would you be willing to marry me? [Walks off]

Kyon

[Thinking] What should I say, Miss Asahina? You look like you just found out you didn't get accepted into college? Or someone who's lost their job the day after buying their dream house? Wait, oh man, now you're calling me "Kyon", too.

Kyon

[Narrating] By the next day, the name "Haruhi Suzumiya" had become infamous. Now everyone at school was talking about her.

Taniguchi

Hey, Kyon. Hate to say it, but it looks like you've gone and done it. You've become one of Suzumiya's gang of weirdos huh?

Kyon

Oh, shut up. [Thinking] The sucky thing about being a part of all this is that my name and Miss Asahina's name are floating around campus, too.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing yesterday. A couple of bunny girls hanging around the school's main gate. I mean, the girl in red was Mikuru Asahina, wasn't it?

Taniguchi

Now everybody in school's talking about you guys, Kyon. Everybody.

Ryoko

What exactly is this SOS Brigade?

Kyon

You're gonna have to ask Suzumiya. I really don't know. I don't even wanna know.

Ryoko

Well, it definitely looks like you guys are having a lot of fun, but you know, yesterday's stunt was a little overboard.