Roger Radcliffe quotes from The Life and Times of Juniper Lee

Roger Radcliffe

(while holding a cotton candy) I can't believe they gave us the whole day off from school to come to the zoo! (runs to the monkey enclosure) Check out all the monkeys! It's a monkey jamboree! Ape festival. A cornucopia of simians!

Roger Radcliffe

Oh, yeah. Y'know what the best part of campin', I mean, besides covering yourself in mud?

Roger Radcliffe

(whispering) Goin' to the bathroom... OUTSIDE.

Roger Radcliffe

Oh, yeah, nothing says nature like going outside! Nature's big gigantic restroom! (both laughing)

Roger Radcliffe

(getting more mud from the water) Oh, yeah, this is living! I tell ya, a guy can get used to-- (stops and turns to see a Bigfoot growling at him) AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Roger Radcliffe

Yeah, he's been barfing up Monday's taco bar for, like, two days now. (holds up a taco) I gotta say, the first six tasted pretty funky, but then they started sliding down real easy. (eats the taco and burps)

Roger Radcliffe

Chick night! Count me out.

Roger Radcliffe

What's wrong with my hair? (Ophelia takes his hat off, exposing his frizzy hair as a squirrel pops out and runs back in)

Juniper Lee

No offense, Jody, but every time we come to one of your family things, your mom makes us work.

Jody Irwin

That is so not true.

Ophelia Ramírez

Oh, yeah? Well, what about your bother's last birthday party?

Juniper Lee

Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Ophelia Ramírez

Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Roger Radcliffe

Somebody's been eating my porridge, and they ate it-- (An ice cream cone gets thrown at his face) All right, McIntyre, you wanna piece of this?! You want some?! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Proceeds to beat him offscreen)

Jody Irwin

No, no, no. It's not gonna be like that. (June, Ophelia and Roger give her a look) Okay, it's gonna be exactly like that. Except this time, she wants The Wizard of Oz.

Roger Radcliffe

No way! I am not playing Dorothy again!

Ophelia Ramírez

Come on, Roge, admit it. You love those red shoes.

Roger Radcliffe

Did not! (Beat) Okay, maybe a little. Having a sense of fashion isn't a crime, you know.

Ophelia Ramírez

(disgusted) Ugh, a school dance? Oh, the gym will be packed, the fashions will be vile and hello, the music will be nauseating.

Roger Radcliffe

Yeah. (looks down hopefully) You wanna go with me?

Ophelia Ramírez

I'd sooner shave my head and eat a bucket of cockroaches.

Roger Radcliffe

So is that a yes or a maybe?

Ophelia Ramírez

Idiot!

Roger Radcliffe

(excited) Ooh yeah, that's a maybe!

Juniper Lee

Augh... Great. My social life is officially dead.

Roger Radcliffe

(smiling) 'Cept! ... Jody's got a plan.

Ophelia Ramírez

(Smiling and nudging at Jody) Tell her about the plan!

Jody Irwin

Okay... Here's the deal. But once where there, I act really, really mean and dumb! And you step in, take my place and ta-daa! ... Everybody's happy.

Ophelia Ramírez

Good, huh? Veerry devious. I've never been so proud. (Beaming with pride)

Jasmine Lee

Do as your Ah-mah says and leave it be. No cakes, no parties, no way, no-how! Got it?

Juniper Lee

I, uh... kinda wish you'd told us a little bit sooner. (door flinging open) SURPRISE!

Jasmine Lee

I'm gonna sell the both of you to warlocks.

Roger Radcliffe

Hey, Grandma Lee is the birthday girl! (plays "Happy Birthday to You")

Juniper Lee

Roger, go home!

Roger Radcliffe

Not until I see Roxanne!

Juniper Lee

Roxanne went back to China!

Barbara Lee

He's got five minutes, then I'm turning on the sprinklers.

Roger Radcliffe

Roxanne!!! (the sprinklers turn on, Roger slips and falls)

Ophelia Ramírez

I need you to play the rest of the parts.

Roger Radcliffe

I'll do it if I can be the raccoon!

Ophelia Ramírez

No.

Roger Radcliffe

How about a scene with the raccoon?

Ophelia Ramírez

No.

Roger Radcliffe

Can you at least introduce me to the raccoon?

Ophelia Ramírez

You wanna die?

Roger Radcliffe

Watermelon! Get it while it's hot!

Ophelia Ramírez

Roger! I'm not gonna tell you again, stick to the script!

Roger Radcliffe

Okay, okay, okay! But can I make stuff up?

Ophelia Ramírez

That's it, you're a mute.

Roger Radcliffe

Cool! Does a mute get to sing? 'Cause I've been working on a little number.