Helper Elf quotes from The Life and Times of Juniper Lee

Helper Elf

Hey, kiddo.

Helper Elf

No, doll, I'm here to help you. I'm a helper elf, local 592. (shows her his union badge)

Helper Elf

No, 'cause you're too busy getting a buffalo snake out of the city pool and stopping a rock ogre from eating the sun, am I right?

Helper Elf

Whatever. The point is, you pound the pavement for us magic folk 24/7. But what do you get in return, huh? Right, nada, zip, bupkis! My point exactly! You wanna fail that quiz?

Helper Elf

(pulls out a scroll from his jacket and shows her the answers to the Louisiana Purchase quiz) Here's one through fifteen, and extra credit is either some declaration or proclamation, definitely one of the shuns. (she looks at the scroll) What's the matter, too good to take help from a helper elf?

Helper Elf

You, uh, wanna go hit the racetrack after this? I gotta good tip on a nag in the sixth. (Juniper gives her a glare) S'okay, finish up.

Helper Elf

3:00.

Helper Elf

Naturally, you want to backlight a high top sneaker.

Helper Elf

Whoa, whoa, whoa! (jumps off her bed) You can't tell nobody about me.

Helper Elf

Uh, because whoever you tell, they're gonna want help, too, and, uh, my dance card is full.

Helper Elf

Trust me, I've seen this before. You tell them, I'm gonna be fetching ice cream for the kid, making tea for the old lady, and washing the dog's feet. I don't wanna wash a dog's feet.

Helper Elf

(holding a planner) Okay, I moved your 4:30 to 5:00, cancelled conference call with the bridge trolls, tomorrow's lunch with some crustaceous gnomes, I recommend the flan.

Helper Elf

6:00, got it.

Helper Elf

Kilbana beast? Get outta town! The Kilbana beast? I know that guy!

Helper Elf

No, no, no, no. You came here to watch the kid kick the ball around. Relax, I'll handle it.