So wait, you masturbated and she went blind. [audience laughs]
Yeah. [audience laughs]
Wonder if she grew hair on her hands too. [audience laughs]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I'm so sorry he sacked your son.
KCKristin Cavallari
That wasn't a sack.
That was a sack and a strip.
KKristin
No one sacks a Cutler.
Have you seen your offensive line? I think everybody sacks a Cutler.
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.
Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."
Well, we have all the answers for her.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.
"Too Hot to Handle"?
Yeah, I like it.
This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.
Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.
Hey, Shitsipper, you're six orders behind. What's going on?
I'm cooking as fast as I can. You got a tiny hibachi here.
You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.
Yeah, you are.
You leave it raw on the inside, you're wasting heat.
By the way, you don't have any soap left. I can't wash my hands with anything.
Oh, Princess wants some soap. Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you?
'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.
Of course it's used, that helps it catch the hair.
How are you doing?
I, honestly, am in a lot of pain.
Bam! You're welcome. I call that move the kidney shifter.
No, things are just not good down south. It's...like Mississippi Burning.
I never saw that movie.
Well, it's not a comedy. Is there anything I need to know about? Has your...[indicating his package] been cleared to play?
No, I don't have anything.
Well, I don't have anything either, but something set fire to these crosses.
I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.
How about telling the truth.
Okay, fine, you want the truth? Okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.
Me too.
But I am as clean as a mountain stream.
I am as pure as the driven snow.
I am spotless.
Impeccable.
Unsoiled!
Unsullied!
Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it!
This isn't a lab, Kevin; that's just ruining our glassware. Will you just get your equipmunk checked?
Don't start equipmunk stuff.
[as Kevin leaves] Equipmunk wrong! Equipmunk dirty! [to herself] Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.
Andre, did I just walk into my house and hear you yell at my kid?!
Yeah, 'cause she's being a jackass.
Well, she's our jackass! We made her that way!
You might wanna stretch your jaw, Pete, cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.
When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?
Eh, whatever.
Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?
No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.
[appalled] Peter!
[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people
Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.
How is married life for you, Peter?
It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.
Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...
Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?
Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.
She's got, like, 178 books!
What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?
No, stop it!
"Moist" is the classy "wet."
Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.
Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.
Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?
Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."
[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.
Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.
She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.
I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.
Because it's not right?
No, because it's not fair. It's bad enough that you flaunt your not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage. So I decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.
If my kid is gonna hate Jews, it's 'cause he's self-loathing, not 'cause he's anti-Semitic.
Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him. Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on?
So weird. You should check his Twitter, maybe.
He's not Tweeting, he's playing a game, Andr... [checking feed on phone] Wait a minute, he is Tweeting. [reading Tweet featuring pic of Vernon with Andre] "Suck it, Pete #youvejustbeendoubleentendred"?
You guys talking about the Should've-Would've-Could've Bowl?
Enough. Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl, we get it.
Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's not called the Sacko anymore—it's called the Ruxin.
Certain people are referring to it as the Ruxin.
Well, one of you two losers will be living with the Ruxin for the next year.
You know what? That trophy looks more like Joe Paterno than it actually looks like you.
And just like the ghost of Joe Paterno, it will loom like a shame cloud over you. You saw, but you didn't act. You knew what was happening, and you let it happen, and your legacy has been tainted.
This girl's kosher! That means I got to put my meat in one hole, and my milk in the other!
We are no longer sitting shiva. We are now sitting Shiva.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The League pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.