The L Word · Season 1
Where's Carmen?
Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.
Why?
Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.
Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.
[Shane laughs, Alice nudges her]
But I wasn't mad at you or anything.
[after Tina slept with a man]
You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!
Woah!
It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute...
I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have.
What do you know about family?
What's male inside? What's female inside? Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?
Because I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.
You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.
What? My tits?
No. Being a woman
[signing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.
Why thank you, Doctor Love.
I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.
Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.
Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.
Alice, you saw that.
She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.
Why don't you guys go out?
[after finding out about Max's past as Moira]
[to his wife] Becky, the next time we see Jenny, she might be with a German Shepard.
[to Tim's wife] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-fuck.
[at Dana's funeral]
How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...
What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!
[everyone gasps in horror]
[Dana is hallucinating after having taken LSD with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?
Dana Fairbanks!
I am not!
What?
Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!
[to Jenny] If you think men are the enemy, then you and I have a problem.
[at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.
Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?
Obviously, you weren't qualified for that, either!
I just don't know why we can't work it out.
Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.
[Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.]
Do you have to sleep with someone first?
Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...
[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?
Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.
No, no, hypothetically.
Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.
What decision have we made?
Mommy Dearest One and Mommy Dearest Two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.
How is that not a terrible thing?
Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?
Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The L Word pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
