The L Word · Season 1
We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.
Do I look okay? Huh?
[nodding] You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.
You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might have a girlfriend by now.
[Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?
You just aim below the clit.
Oh, really?
Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?
I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.
[about Tina's pregnancy] You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!
I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.
No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.
Are you sure you want to go back to men?
I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.
Yeah, men are boring.
Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. It's fine with me.
Something happen with you and Lara?
No. I'm just never having sex again, that's all.
Easy, Dana, come on.
I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.
What, did she tie you up and leave you?
[to Tim] That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous. When you got two people, they got the same equipment, and they both know how to treat it. How could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that?
[to Marina] What happened between us was a terrible mistake. It is never gonna happen again. I will never see you again. Do you understand that?
Did you hear what she said?
Of course I did.
Tell me when it started.
It didn't. You saw all there was to see, the beginning and the end.
[to Jenny] Your strength is you write from here [puts her hand on Jenny's breast]. The demons that tempt you, that you struggle with... Am I that demon?
[apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?
One thing.
[holding back tears] Anything.
You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.
I will.
Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.
I know.
And you are really, really gay.
[almost laughing] I know.
And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
[after she finds out that her mother slept with Shane] You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!
Al, [chuckles] C'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.
[grunts in disgust]
She is! And you know what, she's got really... [gesturing to her breasts] she's really...
[Alice sits in a chair and covers her ears with a pillow.]
Oh... [singing] My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my bologna has a second name--
Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?
She came on to you?
Shit, she's wild, Al.
Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert?
What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women! [sees Lisa] And dude. We... will... kick... ass. [everyone agrees] I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.
Jenny's responsible for her own actions. As we all are. I don't think it's me you're angry with.
Don't tell me how I feel. [angrily] Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.
So what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?
[throws a peanut at Dana] I am bisexual.
Okay, I'm confused.
Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian identified... male.
So what is that, is that like a transsexual?
Don't.
I wonder how he pees. Sitting down do you think? Shane?
I never peed with him.
I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?
Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.
[leaving a message for Shane] Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross! Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye!
Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?
Yes, I do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The L Word pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
