The L Word Season 1 quotes

Dana

We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Tina

What?

Shane

Boring.

Alice

Boring

Dana

Boring. Guys.

Boring?

Alice

I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Bette

It has results?

Tina

Results you can... tally?

Bette

Jesus.

What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice

I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice

Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina

[whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette

[whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.

Lara

So you still haven't told me. What do you think counts as sex?

Dana

I don't know. Having an orgasm.

Lara

Well, if that was the case, that would mean thousands of women who are married with children have never had sex.

Tina

It's primal. Females in the animal kingdom, they do this when they're gestating. You become a homebody. You just... retreat! Like a brooding hen.

Alice

So you guys are going to pass up a private girl party on the most famous gin-palace in the Pacific so you can go home and sit on an egg?

Jenny

Who are you?

Marina

Someone who cares about you. You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices. I've opened up your world.

Jenny

Fuck you.

Alice

[Dana is signing her magazine ad for Marina] Yeah, sign it. "Dana Fairbanks. Professional lesbian". [Dana rolls her eyes] Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read.

Marina

That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. Your parents must be so proud.

Alice

Dana... did you not do it?

Marina

You didn't come out to your parents yet?

Shane

Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you.

[about Dana's Subaru ad] Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" [laughs]

Dana

[nervous] Yeah...

I'm not really sure what that means.

Dana

Uh... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot.

Jenny

I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette

So it just... came outta nowhere and bit 'ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... [turns to Jenny] I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.

Jenny

I think I'm bisexual.

Annette

Oh, brother.

Jenny

I do. I really do.

Annette

Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college?

Jenny

Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and...

Annette

That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write.

Annette

[spying on Marina and Francesca] Twat!

Jenny

No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble.

Dana

[to Alice, watching Shane and Slim interact] It's like some weird carnival mirror or something.

[to Jenny] The thing about Marina is that when she focuses on you, you feel like you're the only one that exists. It's her gift. I don't blame you for falling in love with her. [to Marina] But maybe you use your gift a little too freely.

Alice

[to Dana, who is moping in bed] Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon.

Dana

[about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice

That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana

She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice

At least it's not shock therapy.

You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like--

Dana

Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?

Oh, you did a Subaru ad?

Dana

Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out."

Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of...

Dana

Gay thing? Yeah, look, um... That's me, okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian! [Andrew looks at her weirdly with lust] Don't look at me like that, okay? I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman, okay? I'd just... I would want to have sex with a woman, alright. I'm that gay.