[holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
WDr. Wilson
All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.
[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]
[laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?
I think it would help.
When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.
Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
[to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.
It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.
What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Oh, my God, it's Yoda.
Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.
[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?
It has to do with her attitude.
I've got attitude!
It's because she's so withholding.
No, it's because she's so confident.
No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
[firmly] Dana, she's your friend.
It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!
Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.
I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.
[seeing Tim] Do you guys think he knows?
Knows what?
[about Jenny] That his girlfriend is making the team with Marina.
I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.
We are pretty in, Alice.
Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.
[trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Well, she sends me food.
Hmm.
She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
No, she just sends them.
But she hasn't spoken to you.
No.
[about Lara] Ask her out.
No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Exactly.
Please don't encourage her.
It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
You mean?
I mean.
What?
We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.
Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.
Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.
You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]
[after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
How can you tell?
You read the signals.
That's my problem.
Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?
[Dana rolls her eyes]
Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay, or you're straight or you're bisexual -- you just go with the flow.
No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
You don't have gaydar.
No.
You're so right, you don't have it!
Everyone's got it. You just have to tune it in.
Hey...
[looks up] Hey! [Lara cuts her thumb] Ow!
Oh, my god! Oh - oh, my god, I'm sorry, I --
It's okay.
[panicked] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!
[smiling, calm] I'm not disfigured.
But I could've killed you! When you were (makes chopping motions)... you know...
It happens all the time.
Well, should we call a doctor?
[giggles] Dana! [she holds up her hand, counting off fingers] Second-degree burn from the Béchamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.
Is there anything I can do?
You could kiss it and make it better.
My friends said that they thought that you would think I was a geek if, you know, if I wore a dress.
So, I am a geek.
No, I'm a geek. For letting my friends tell me what to wear.
PPeggy
I was a lesbian once. In 1974.
Just 1974?
PPeggy
Just 1974. That was all I needed.
Well, you know, that's what we refer to as a "has-bian".
[about Gabby] What are you gonna do?
Well, I was gonna ask her--
No asking.
What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
"It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
"And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
"So step off, bitch!"
[to Marina] I don't know what to do. [sighs] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The L Word pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.