Jenny Schecter quotes from The L Word

Bette

Did you know that Tina is pregnant?

Jenny

Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know?

Bette

Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am!

Jenny

No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

Bette

She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me.

Jenny

No she doesn't hate you.

I wish so much that there was something I could do.

Jenny

No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it.

When I moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing shit like this. But I am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man.

Jenny

Oh, fuck off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.

That's not what I meant.

Jenny

What the fuck are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you.

Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman.

Jenny

Ugh. Please. [walks away]

Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this! [strips naked]

Jenny

What are you doing?

Is this what you want?

Jenny

No. [hurls a pen at him] What I want is for you to write "fuck me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.

Jenny

Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?

It's crossed my mind...

I don't know what more we can do.

Jenny

Nothing. There is nothing more you can do for me to make me the person you are comfortable with.

Max

I just don't know why we can't work it out.

Jenny

Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

Helena

Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice

Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena

[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny

Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice

No, no, hypothetically.

Jenny

Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?

Helena

I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Tina

Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh...

Jenny

That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with?

Tina

No, of course not...

Jenny

Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? [to Kate] Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.

Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you...

Jenny

She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants...

Tina

Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!

We're gonna fuck in a closet?

Jenny

The irony hasn't escaped me.

Jenny

So this is what I want you to do. Ok, so you're going to look at her and you're going to take her and you're gonna throw her against the sink - BAM! And you're gonna look at her with PASSION and then you - don't worry I won't kiss you - you're gonna take her and you're gonna kiss her with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to fingerfuck her... and give her the best fucking orgasm ever. Go for it!

OH, you mean with my hand?

Jenny

Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati I don't know about.

[as Bev] - 'How exciting... You're ovulating. Let's make a baby!'...

Jenny

Passion! That's okay. Okay, wauw, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a dance.

Do you want to see my hand?

Jenny

I'd like to. Might be nice for you to look like you're actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture. You know, that looks like you're sewing up a hole in her jeans. You guys really don't know how to fuck women, do you?