I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy[understanding] Ohhhh.
What time of the month? The weekend?
Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy
Moss!
You know, it's "high tide".
But we're not on the coast.
Roy
Moss!
I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Roy
Moss!
I've fallen to the communists!
Well, they do have some compelling arguments.
Roy
[frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
[finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]
[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a poster for Gay: A Gay Musical]
Roy Trenneman
"A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
[reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Oh no! It's set in the 80s!
Roy
Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy
Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
[Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]
TMTheatre Manager
He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
[shocked] Did you see who it was?
Roy
Red-bearded man.
Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?
Roy
Ten years?
Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
Roy
...Acid.
Roy
100 to one.
Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!
[Jen comes out of her office, visibly shocked.]
Roy
What?
Roy
What is it?
[suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!
Roy
Peter, what's your email address?
Roy
"filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
PPeter
Well, File is my second name.
Roy
Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
Roy
No no, his name is Peter File.
[angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
Isn't that what he just said?
Jen': No, Peter File.
[enunciating] Paedo phile?
RRichmond
Who's a paedophile?
[finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.
Roy
Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.
[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]
PPeter
[exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!
[silence]
PPeter
It doesn't bother you, does it?
No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
[shouting] He's not moving to America!
Roy
Is this another one of your inventions?
Roy
What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
Roy
Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Roy
Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.
[Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small red LED light on the top. Moss stands next to her.]
This, Jen, is the Internet.
This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?
Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
That's one of the surprising things about it.
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
[rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.
I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.
Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
[laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!
[Roy enters the room]
Roy
[agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Roy
Are you insane? What if she drops it?
I won't drop it, I'll look after it!
Roy
No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
Roy
No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.
Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
[suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!
Roy
No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!
Roy
[resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.
Roy
Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...
Roy
You can.
[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to pick her speech up and carry the box carefully. As soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]
The IT Crowd · 95 quotes
