Maurice Moss quotes from The IT Crowd

Moss

[holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest, of the fire.

Moss

[dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the rest of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear SirMadam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Dear SirMadam. Fire! Exclamation mark. Fire! Exclamation mark. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Maurice Moss

Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."

Moss

[Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather's revolver] I got a gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands as he goes back to the bench, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Moss

Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

Moss

I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

Moss

[trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.

Moss

Oh my gosh!

Moss

It's a robot!

Moss

I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.

Moss

When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.

Moss

I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Roy Trenneman

[picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.

Maurice Moss

[picking up the phone] Hello, IT...Yaha... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy

No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?

Moss

See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?

Roy

Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her!

Moss

You had a job?

Roy

[coyly] Girl on 5th.

Moss

Did you hit it off?

Roy

Define 'hit it off'.

Moss

Did she continue talking to you after you'd fixed her computer?

Roy

No. And while I was working, she rested a cup on my back.

Moss

No!

Roy

Yep! (shows a cup mark on his back) I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!

Moss

Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.

Roy

It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed—

Moss

They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.

Roy

Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Moss

Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?

Roy

Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.

Moss

What?! (Drops mug)

Roy

What're you doing?!

Moss

Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were we talking about?

Roy

Her not knowing anything about computers.

Moss

WHAT?! (drops mug)

Moss

Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation!

Jen

What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?

Moss

They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.

Roy

Oh, it's not that bad.

Moss

Come on, it's pretty bad.

[Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]

Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.

Moss

[watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short pause] 3.

Roy

[listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?

Moss

You mean 999—

Roy

Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.

Moss

That's the American one, you berk!