Douglas Reynholm quotes from The IT Crowd

Douglas

Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

Douglas

Speak, priest!

Douglas

Meet me at the station!

Douglas Reynholm

I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.

Douglas

Hell's horses!

Douglas

[being shocked by his anti-harrassment device while reading a magazine] But I'm not aroused, it's only cars! God damn these electric sex pants!

Douglas

Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.

Douglas

Oh, not these idiots!

Jen

Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

Douglas Reynholm

I can't seem to get it open.

Roy Trenneman

You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop?

Douglas

I would be beholden to you.

Douglas

You there, computer man. Fix my pants!

Moss

Beg your pardon?

Douglas

Pull down my trousers and do your job!

Douglas

April, these past few days have been like a dream. Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you... I don't know, I feel alive. April, I love you.

What?

Douglas

That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.

Oh, Douglas! I love you too!

Douglas

Oh, poppet... to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.

...what?

Douglas

When we met, as if I'd be worried about something like that! I don't care where you're from; Iran, France, doesn't bother me. I'm very modern

I'm not from Iran!

Douglas

Well, you said something along those lines.

No, not Iran, a man! I said I used to be a man!

Douglas

You used to be a man...?

Yes!

Douglas

OH GOD...

Jen

Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.

Douglas Reynholm

Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!

Douglas

Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.

Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.

Douglas

I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.

Douglas

Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?

Roy

Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.

Douglas

Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!

Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.

Douglas

But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse!

That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.

Douglas

Balls from hell, you shit-twins!

Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.

Douglas

Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.

Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?

Douglas

I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?

Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.

Douglas

Wise words, my learned lud.