Jen Barber quotes from The IT Crowd

Jen

Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.

Jen

[regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

Jen

[greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.

Moss

Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire situation!

Jen

What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?

Moss

They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.

Roy

Oh, it's not that bad.

Moss

Come on, it's pretty bad.

Moss

You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?

Jen

Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.

Moss

But, the rainforest, and...

Jen

What's wrong with you, Moss?

Moss

Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.

Jen

[laughs] What, still?

Moss

Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!

Jen

What's a desk-rabbit?

Moss

I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

Roy

If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Jen

Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

Roy

[sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?

Roy

While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area?

Jen

Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

Roy

That'd be trouser food!

Jen

I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

Moss

Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]

Jen

It's my term for my time of the month.

Roy

[understanding] Ohhhh.

Moss

What time of the month? The weekend?

Jen

No.

Moss

Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?

Roy

Moss!

Jen

You know, it's "high tide".

Moss

But we're not on the coast.

Roy

Moss!

Jen

I'm "closed for maintenance"!

Moss

Closed for maintenance?

Roy

Moss!

Jen

I've fallen to the communists!

Moss

Well, they do have some compelling arguments.

Roy

[frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!

Moss

[finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]

Jen

Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Moss

Smartie cereal.

Jen

Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.

Moss

They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Roy

I am a man, he's a man, we're men!

Jen

Okay, tell me how you're feeling.

Roy

[softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I think I'm ugly! [crying]

Roy Trenneman

"A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.

Maurice Moss

It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]

Jen Barber

[reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."

Moss

Oh no! It's set in the 80s!

Roy

Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?

Jen

You're not comfortable with your sexuality?

Roy

Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.

Jen

[shocked] Did you see who it was?

Roy

Red-bearded man.

Jen

Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?

Roy

Ten years?

Jen

Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.

Roy

...Acid.

Jen

What are the chances?

Roy

100 to one.

Moss

Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!

Jen

[stunned] Oh my God.

Roy

What?

Jen

Oh my God.

Roy

What is it?

Jen

Denholm's dead!

Moss

[suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!

Jen

There's Denholm's wife...

Moss

I never know what to say to people at funerals.

Roy

Me too. I'm terrible.

Jen

Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.

Roy

[to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

Roy

Yeah, I don't like people.

Jen

Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?

Roy

I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!