Roy Trenneman quotes from The IT Crowd

Moss

My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!

Roy

Isn't that a good thing?

Moss

She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!

Roy

Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?

Moss

What are you, an animal?

Roy

Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.

Jen

[applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?

Roy

Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Jen

Why are you doing this?

Roy

Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.

Moss

I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!

Roy Trenneman

[in disbelief] No!

Jen

What's going on?

Moss

I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!

Jen

Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!

Moss

Consonant, please.

Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.

Roy

[incredulously] What are you...

Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—

Roy

I don't care.

Negative One?

Twelve.

Moss

Sixteen.

Your word, Negative One.

Enormousness.

Moss

I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.

This is most irregular...

Moss

What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

Moss

Overnumerousness!

Gyles?

Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Douglas

Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.

Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.

Douglas

I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.

Douglas

Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?

Roy

Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.

Roy

I'm going to go dance at the front.

Jen

Aren't you a bit old for the front?

Roy

I'm 32!

Good for you, mate!

Jen

Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?

Roy

You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.

Jen

[grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.

Roy

"How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

Moss

What kind of operating system does it use?

Err... it's... Vista!

Moss

We're going to die!

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What?

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

...what?

Roy

[agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!

Jen

[shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.

Roy

[Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!

Jen

Why not?

Roy

Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!

Jen

[Looks at Roy and shakes her head]

Roy

What?

Jen

You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.

Roy

[Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.

Roy

Wait, you record our emails and tape our phone calls?

Douglas

Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear.

Jen

I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.

Roy

And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.

Jen

I sort of did my one too.

Roy

It's frustrating that we did both of our things.

Roy

[On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?

Moss

No.

Roy

What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!

Moss

Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.

Roy

Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!

Roy

[Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?

Moss

[Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.

Roy

Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.

Moss

It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.

Roy

[Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.

Moss

[Shrugs] As a last resort.

Roy

In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.

Moss

There you go.

Roy

[Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!

Moss

Bye!

Roy

Bye.

Moss

[Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]

Jen

I can't believe she's still with you.

Roy

Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...

Roy

[casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye!

Jen

She left you?

Roy

She did.