TV show quotes
I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.
What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.
I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.
Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.
What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?
That's not possible.
Congrats. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...
They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
We got you your favorite beer.
Yeah, but it's always warm.
On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.
You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.
So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
You were pretty coked-up, huh?
Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high! It was so awesome!
But you're not gonna believe this, I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.
Good for you!
And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.
Ooh.
Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me. [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just, I shouldn't. Do you?
No.
Oh, yeah...I mean, I was just, I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now...
[long awkward pause]
Are you okay?
Anyway...
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?
As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [read's Jason's file] Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name is Shawn.
Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
Ah, kind of like a last meal?
Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.
I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
That's what you think hell is?
I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.
Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.
You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days…side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
[While everyone argues, Eleanor closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she tries to think. Suddenly, her eyes snap open.]
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
What?
Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.
[Eleanor's bedroom door opens. Michael and Shawn come outside.]
Is everything okay?
Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.
What?!
[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Well, what about Real Eleanor?
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
[Bambajan suddenly bursts through the door, book in hand]
Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
…oh. Okay. [he leaves]
[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.
Eleanor, what's going on?
[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
[She turns back to Michael and Shawn as everyone stares in disbelief. Michael stares Eleanor down for a moment, before his face splits into a wicked smile and he lets out an evil laugh.]
Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.
Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or whuuuat are you? A type of soup, maybe?
Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!
Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.
Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.
How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.
Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?
Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
