The Golden Girls · Season 7
As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.
What estate, your loofah sponge and bus pass?
Don't forget the four gold teeth from when your father worked at the funeral parlor. "Perks" he called them. That's the kind of stock you come from, Dorothy.
I come from graverobbers?
I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from Phil and Gloria while I've had to go without.
Well now, Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.
That's not what I'm talking about! But since you brought it up, yes, I can! If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with... I'd better not say anything until I've had my coffee. [she takes a sip of coffee] ...A SLUT AND A MORON!!!
[Rose and Blanche both look hurt by Dorothy's words]
...I'm sorry, it must be decaf.
Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.
Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?!
I know what I'm doing! Every Thursday I watch La Law.
That's "L.A. Law!"
I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent!
[Waving the Pope's ring over a glass of water on the living room table] WINE!
[Dorothy looks at Sophia strangely.]
Worth a shot.
[Sophia comes through the door just as Miles walks out]
Miles, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you --
Later.
[Rose walks through the house and out the door]
Rose, this is really important --
Maybe later, Sophia.
[Dorothy comes out of the kitchen and starts into the hall]
Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Not now, Ma! [pauses] Alright, but this better be important.
It depends. How important is...[shows Dorothy the ring] ...the Pope's ring?
[looking at the ring] Alright, Ma, squirt me in the face and get it over with.
[on meeting the Pope ] He had the most beautiful blue eyes!
Yeah, all the cute guys are either married or Popes.
[on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Thank you, Dorothy.
She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
[indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!
You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?
Boy, do I ever.
[to Rose] Now, you stop that, you just stop that!
I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a...
MA! I know what a man is! But I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards, I have intelligence, I have class. And you know what else I have?
It's not self-awareness, that's for damn sure. Hey, listen to this: "Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners, and waking up in the morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny, please send letter and photo." This is the one, he's perfect! I've found myself a man!
[to herself enviously] ...I'm the biggest slut...
[immediately after Marvin confesses that he and Sarah are husband and wife, not brother and sister] Dorothy, you can come in now.
I thought the two of you would like some nice cold lemonade.
Marvin is married to Sarah.
[pauses, to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.
Isn't it obvious? They put in ad in the paper to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games! They want me to be their love slave!
[upset because she can't remember Thor] Boy, it's finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things, forgetting people who at one time were important to me.
Don't be ridiculous, you're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.
Oh, thank you... [stares at Sophia for a few seconds with a blank look on her face]
Sophia!
Sophia.
You're welcome...
Rose.
Rose.
Any wonder we get nursing home brochures by the truckload?
I'm just here to pick up Marvin.
Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula! Come on in and pull up a whip!
You two have a lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.
Oh dear.
Why did you lie to my mother?
We didn't mean to lie, we just wanted to make sure that Sophia was the right one.
Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games! Oh my god, this is unbelievable!
It's not that unbelievable.
[Rose mistakenly booked Dorothy and Blanche as guests on a talk show about lesbian couples.]
Today, on WAKE UP MIAMI...women who live together. Does society make it difficult? Find out after the break when we talk to four lesbians, today on WAKE UP MIAMI.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
