The Golden Girls · Season 5
I'm celebrating, because I've just had an idea that will change my life. Order anything you like. I'm going to have the shrimp cocktail, the cream of mushroom soup, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and the filet mignon.
I like cholesterol as much as the next guy, but you're never gonna get blood to your feet again.
I'd like to drink a toast. To Sophia, whom I hope I can count on.
For what? Get your lips off Harvey and tell me what you want!
Since you mentioned it, I want you to do something for me. I want you to come over to my place tomorrow night.
Oh, what is it, your birthday?
Sophia, there aren't going to be anymore birthdays.
What are you telling me?
I have so many things wrong with me - arthritis, high blood pressure, angina, just to mention a few.
Who doesn't? You can't get into a canasta game unless you have at least two debilitating diseases.
You don't understand. I'm afraid of the pain, of the hurting. I'm afraid of being alone, of dying alone. I could take the pills myself, but I want you to be there with me and hold my hand.
You're right; I don't understand. I'd do anything to stay alive. If my heart stopped beating, I'd want every doctor in town jumping up and down on my chest.
It was just a dream, Sophia.
It's not just a dream for me. Martha wants to commit suicide...and she wants me to be there with her.
And what did you say?
I said I'd think about it. You can't say no to someone who pops for a $75 dinner; tell them, Blanche.
Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this! This reminds me of the story of Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's very own Angel of Death.
Tell it, Rose, tell it.
Really? All the way through?
All the way through, but please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible!
Well, Gunilla Olfstatter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsen, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught!
You're doing beautifully, Rose.
He begged and he begged and by her coffee break she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was wracked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking or the medication talking or the guy in the next bed talking. You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar Von Bergman, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.
Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.
Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten - nine Central -
[Dorothy slams her fork down in frustration]
...she hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying: "Turn around, quick! His lips are moving!"
[to Sophia] You see that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story.
[The baby the girls are watching is crying, Blanche is in the rocker, trying to get it to sleep.]
What is wrong with this baby? Honey, darling, please shut up for aunt Blanche!
"Rose: [To Dorothy] You know, in St. Olaf we had a sure-fire method for getting babies to sleep!
If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.
Okay! I've got another one! Whenever my kids couldn't sleep, we always sang to them.
A lullaby?
Rose; Well sort of, Mr. Sandman!
I don't know, Rose.
Dorothy, come on it's worth a try! It's either we sing, or he sings.
Alright.
Boom.
[Blanche and Dorothy stare at Rose, weird expressions on their faces.]
[With more energy] Boom! Well?
Well what?
After my boom comes your boom, and then yours, until we're all booming.
How complicated is that herring thing?
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
[All together]
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom."
Boom. boom. boom. boom.
"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen."
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
"Give him two lips, like roses and clover."
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
"And tell him that his lonesome nights are over."
[The baby has stopped crying, they all start creeping to the kitchen. The baby cries.]
Boom.
"boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom."
"Yes?"
"Bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I've ever seen."
[Girls start swaying to the music, losing interest in the baby.]
I'm so alone! [Turns to see the other two have stopped, looks at Sophia.]
Boy, you guys really stink!
Remember better. Remember life!
I don't have much of one. I'm not like you. You live with friends and family, holidays and warmth. I...hear the silence.
We'll talk. We'll talk all the time. You can come over Thanksgiving, Christmas, every Friday night. I may not be there, but you could always talk to Rose.
No, I want to go. Lydia looked so peaceful. [takes hold of the pills]
[immediately grabs the pills] We're not in this life for peace!
You're crying.
No, I'm not, I don't cry.
I can see your tears!
And I can see yours, you know what that tells me?
What?
You're not as ready to die as you think you are. You still wanna live, kid!
Some kid! I don't know what to do.
That's the point. If you're not sure, then you can't change your mind tomorrow. You wanted me to be there for your death. How about letting me be here for your life?
Like a friend?
Like a best friend.
Oh, my God, if they want to make spies talk, they should force them to grade junior high English essays. Kids today can't write the English language! "The characters in The Grapes of Wrath are so real that it's interesting."
Weren't they?
All we did all night was talk about George. How much George loved me, how George couldn't take his eyes off me, how George would have to save his money to buy presents good enough for me. It felt so good talking about George.
Dorothy's going through her high school yearbook to see who all's dead.
That's my pussycat, fun, fun, fun!
I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.
You can still be homecoming queen, it'll just be a different kind of home.
Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one and Sophia, you're the old one. I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Ma, these are your twilight years.
Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
