Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Theo

[revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.

Cliff

Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.

Theo

What are you gonna do to me?

Cliff

I am going to fix your ear.

Theo

Then what?

Cliff

You expecting some sort of punishment?

Theo

Shouldn't I?

Cliff

Yeah.

Cliff

Look, my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.

Well, what do you expect? They're grandparents.

Cliff

Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen. No, I am telling you right now, my father comes through that door, reaches into his pocket pulls out a handful of money. “Well let’s see if granddad has any money for these wonderful children.” This is the same man who when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, the man would tell me his life story. This man would tell me how at age five, he woke up at 4 o’clock every morning, had no alarm clock, had no rooster, just the sense of responsibility. Snow was up to here. [mime saluting] Had no shoes but he walked through a blizzard. Backwards. And I talked to other people with fathers, and find out fathers are the lyingest people on the face of this earth. I have a friend who’s Puerto Rican. His father was brought up in San Juan, walked through the snow in San Juan. No, my father got a job milking 120 cows. The man he worked for had no bucket so he had to squirt the milk into his hand, walk eight miles, through the snow up to here [salute]. And I am telling you right now my mother is the same way.

Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

Cliff

I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.

Cliff

Son?

Theo

Yeah, Dad?

Cliff

There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

Theo

Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!

Cliff

Why don't you use the one downstairs?

Theo

The small one? That one's for guests.

Cliff

Then pretend you don't live here.

Theo

Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!

Cliff

Why don't you use the one downstairs?

Theo

The small one? That one's for guests.

Cliff

Then pretend you don't live here.

Vanessa

Theo is babysitting?!

Cliff

That's right.

Vanessa

But what if the house catches fire?

Cliff

Then Theo will call the fire department!

Vanessa

Well what if burglars break in?

Cliff

Then Theo will un-arm them!

Vanessa

Well what if they know karate?

Cliff

Then Theo will die!

Vanessa

Theo is babysitting?!

Cliff

That's right.

Vanessa

But what if the house catches fire?

Cliff

Then Theo will call the fire department!

Vanessa

Well what if burglars break in?

Cliff

Then Theo will un-arm them!

Vanessa

Well what if they know karate?

Cliff

Then Theo will die!

Theo

Hi mom!

Hi. Where are you going?

Theo

Down the street to play touch football.

Theo, it's five degrees out there!

Theo

I got two pairs of socks on.

Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.

Theo

Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!

Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?

Theo

Hey dad.

Cliff

Hey, where you going?

Theo

Freeze football.

Cliff

You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!

Theo

Hi mom!

Hi. Where are you going?

Theo

Down the street to play touch football.

Theo, it's five degrees out there!

Theo

I got two pairs of socks on.

Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.

Theo

Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!

Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?

Theo

Hey dad.

Cliff

Hey, where you going?

Theo

Freeze football.

Cliff

You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!

Cliff that really was not necessary.

Cliff

What?

Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.

Cliff

There's nothing wrong with a little competition.

Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...

Cliff

You talking about me?

Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.

Cliff

What does Monopoly got to do with science?

I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.

Cliff

That's right.

Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!

Cliff

Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!

And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!

Cliff

Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!

Cliff that really was not necessary.

Cliff

What?

Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.

Cliff

There's nothing wrong with a little competition.

Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...

Cliff

You talking about me?

Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.

Cliff

What does Monopoly got to do with science?

I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.

Cliff

That's right.

Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!

Cliff

Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!

And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!

Cliff

Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!

[preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?

Cliff

You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!

[preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?

Cliff

You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!

Vanessa

Dad can I talk to you for a minute?

Cliff

Sure.

Vanessa

Privately? It's about boys.

Rudy

Excuuuuuse me.

How much did you weigh in college?

Cliff

A hundred and sixty-five.

And how much do you weigh now?

Cliff

A hundred and sixty-five.

With your clothes on!

Cliff

206.

Whoa!