Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Vanessa

Dad can I talk to you for a minute?

Cliff

Sure.

Vanessa

Privately? It's about boys.

Rudy

Excuuuuuse me.

How much did you weigh in college?

Cliff

A hundred and sixty-five.

And how much do you weigh now?

Cliff

A hundred and sixty-five.

With your clothes on!

Cliff

206.

Whoa!

If I died, would you marry again?

Cliff

We'll talk about it when it happens.

We can't talk about it then!

Cliff

Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.

Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?

Cliff

Yes.

Would you date somebody?

Cliff

No. I wouldn't.

Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.

Cliff

And you're still in the bed with me?

Cliff

Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...

Sondra

Yeah?

Cliff

Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?

Sondra

Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.

Cliff

Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.

Sondra

No, dad, I don't want you to die!

Cliff

Are you sure?

Sondra

Yes.

Cliff, what's the point?

Cliff

The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.

Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.

Cliff

I am trying to get to the point.

All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...

Cliff

Never mind.

If I died, would you marry again?

Cliff

We'll talk about it when it happens.

We can't talk about it then!

Cliff

Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.

Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?

Cliff

Yes.

Would you date somebody?

Cliff

No. I wouldn't.

Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.

Cliff

And you're still in the bed with me?

Cliff

Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...

Sondra

Yeah?

Cliff

Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?

Sondra

Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.

Cliff

Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.

Sondra

No, dad, I don't want you to die!

Cliff

Are you sure?

Sondra

Yes.

Cliff, what's the point?

Cliff

The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.

Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.

Cliff

I am trying to get to the point.

All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...

Cliff

Never mind.

Cliff

What's the matter?

Rudy

I'm bored.

Cliff

You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.

Cliff

Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?

Rudy

He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Cliff

What's the matter?

Rudy

I'm bored.

Cliff

You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.

Cliff

Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?

Rudy

He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Cliff

[entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?

You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!

[nicely] Hello, Chester.

[nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!

Cliff

Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.

Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!

Cliff

[entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?

You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!

[nicely] Hello, Chester.

[nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!

Cliff

Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.

Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!

Cliff

The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.

Not this year.

Cliff

'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?

You may work on whomever you please.

Cliff

Really?

But you're not going to find out anything.

Cliff

Let the games begin.

Cliff

So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?

Theo

Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.

Cliff:

[chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?

Theo

14.

Cliff

14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?

Theo

Okay, Dad.

Cliff

Okay.

Theo

This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.

Cliff

The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.

Not this year.

Cliff

'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?

You may work on whomever you please.

Cliff

Really?

But you're not going to find out anything.

Cliff

Let the games begin.