Lt. Provenza quotes from The Closer

Gabriel

So, you guys all heard, right? About the, uh, IA investigation?

Provenza

What IA Investigation?

Gabriel

An anonymous complaint against Deputy Chief Johnson. Conduct unbecoming. Anybody here know anything about that?

Brenda

Lt. Provenza...

Provenza

Flynn and I are going to go back to Sandy.

Brenda

Why, exactly?

Flynn

Tie up loose ends.

Provenza

Girl's loose ends need tying.

Provenza

Ok. We all know what's going on here. The smart move is to not get involved until the dust settles.

Flynn

Yeah. That's the smart move, alright. What's your idea?

Provenza

Is that a rat?

Flynn

That's his hair replacement system.

Provenza

His what?!

Flynn

They used to call it a toupee.

Provenza

They used to call it bald, too.

Brenda

[After catching Provenza mocking her accent and task delegation] Lt. Provenza, I need this hurried through [using extra-heavy accent] SID, in about two shakes of a lamb's tail. [shaking wet toupee at him] Thank you so very much. Let's keep it taped off, ladies and gentlemen, because until we understand things better...[turns and looks at Provenza]

Provenza

Uh, [adding heavy southern accent] this is a crime scene, y'all.

The Drill Team was his first film as a producer. And it never would've gotten made without me. I set it up; I attached Dick.

Provenza

[watching the interview] I bet she attached dick to a lot of things.

Gabriel

So, you guys all heard, right? About the, uh, IA investigation?

Provenza

What IA Investigation?

Gabriel

An anonymous complaint against Deputy Chief Johnson. Conduct unbecoming. Anybody here know anything about that?

Brenda

Lt. Provenza...

Provenza

Flynn and I are going to go back to Sandy.

Brenda

Why, exactly?

Flynn

Tie up loose ends.

Provenza

Girl's loose ends need tying.

Provenza

Ok. We all know what's going on here. The smart move is to not get involved until the dust settles.

Flynn

Yeah. That's the smart move, alright. What's your idea?

Provenza

Gimme $100.

Flynn

I already gave you $100.

Provenza

You're way up.

Flynn

So what? You know where the ATM is. Besides, I say we cash in.

Provenza

Fine, fine, fine, we'll cash in. [grabs Ari] C'mon, Ari. You're cashing in, too.

Ari

Hey, don't touch me. [looking at Provenza's shirt] Who the hell are you, anyway?

Flynn

LAPD. We're here to give you a lift home.

Ari

Put that away, you stupid... look, I'm not leaving. And you can't do anything to me here anyway.

Provenza

Oh really? Hey! Hey everybody! Listen up! I wanna tell you about my friend Ari here.

Ari

Hey! Shut up, you idiot, you're gonna get me killed!

Flynn

Hey moron, now imagine us doing that, only on television, and all your cousin's friends find out that you're a snitch.

Provenza

[shoving all of Ari's chips to the center] And don't forget to tip the dealer.

Flynn

Let's go.

Flynn

So, he's not in his room. [Provenza keeps playing] And I think we've pretty well determined he's not over here. And where'd you get that shirt anyway? The '80s?

Provenza

Your ex-wife loved it. Said it was easier to unbutton than anything you ever wore. Put your glasses on, old man; turn around and take a gander. Ari's right over there playing blackjack. And there's two open seats next to him. Now I say that we put him under tight surveillance for an hour or so.

Flynn

You're kidding me, right? That's a $25 table.

Provenza

There's an ATM next to the cashier, and I am feeling luck-eeeee.

Brenda

Lt. Provenza, are you eatin' chocolate in here?

Provenza

[With a guilty look] Sorry.

Brenda

I thought we'd agreed to keep snacks with processed sugar out of the murder room. If y'all have to have candy please do so in the hallways or the electronics room. Or you could try givin' it up. Since I stopped eatin' all that crap I have more energy. And I'm sleepin' better too.

Flynn

What about nuts?

Brenda

Excuse me?

Flynn

Are my nuts allowed in here?

Brenda

Do they have sugar on them, Lieutenant?

Flynn

No, they're salty.

Brenda

Well, there's your answer, then.

Brenda

So Lt. Provenza, summin' up what we know so far. Alone and on his day off, Detective Tim Martin enters an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles 30 miles from his home in Long Beach. By coincidence, Mr. Barak, a murder suspect in a double homicide Martin is working happens to enter the same warehouse. They both draw their weapons and fire at the exact same time. Fatally wounded they instantly drop dead where they stand. What would you say the chances are it happened like that?

Provenza

Apparently, 100 percent.

Provenza

Gimme $100.

Flynn

I already gave you $100.

Provenza

You're way up.

Flynn

So what? You know where the ATM is. Besides, I say we cash in.

Provenza

Fine, fine, fine, we'll cash in. [grabs Ari] C'mon, Ari. You're cashing in, too.

Ari

Hey, don't touch me. [looking at Provenza's shirt] Who the hell are you, anyway?

Flynn

LAPD. We're here to give you a lift home.

Ari

Put that away, you stupid... look, I'm not leaving. And you can't do anything to me here anyway.

Provenza

Oh really? Hey! Hey everybody! Listen up! I wanna tell you about my friend Ari here.

Ari

Hey! Shut up, you idiot, you're gonna get me killed!

Flynn

Hey moron, now imagine us doing that, only on television, and all your cousin's friends find out that you're a snitch.

Provenza

[shoving all of Ari's chips to the center] And don't forget to tip the dealer.

Flynn

Let's go.

Flynn

So, he's not in his room. [Provenza keeps playing] And I think we've pretty well determined he's not over here. And where'd you get that shirt anyway? The '80s?

Provenza

Your ex-wife loved it. Said it was easier to unbutton than anything you ever wore. Put your glasses on, old man; turn around and take a gander. Ari's right over there playing blackjack. And there's two open seats next to him. Now I say that we put him under tight surveillance for an hour or so.

Flynn

You're kidding me, right? That's a $25 table.

Provenza

There's an ATM next to the cashier, and I am feeling luck-eeeee.