Lt. Provenza quotes from The Closer

Brenda

Lt. Provenza, are you eatin' chocolate in here?

Provenza

[With a guilty look] Sorry.

Brenda

I thought we'd agreed to keep snacks with processed sugar out of the murder room. If y'all have to have candy please do so in the hallways or the electronics room. Or you could try givin' it up. Since I stopped eatin' all that crap I have more energy. And I'm sleepin' better too.

Flynn

What about nuts?

Brenda

Excuse me?

Flynn

Are my nuts allowed in here?

Brenda

Do they have sugar on them, Lieutenant?

Flynn

No, they're salty.

Brenda

Well, there's your answer, then.

Brenda

So Lt. Provenza, summin' up what we know so far. Alone and on his day off, Detective Tim Martin enters an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles 30 miles from his home in Long Beach. By coincidence, Mr. Barak, a murder suspect in a double homicide Martin is working happens to enter the same warehouse. They both draw their weapons and fire at the exact same time. Fatally wounded they instantly drop dead where they stand. What would you say the chances are it happened like that?

Provenza

Apparently, 100 percent.

Brenda

What are you doing?

Provenza

Being nice.

Brenda

You're not nice. And you're on duty.

Provenza

Well, give me the afternoon off.

Brenda

My mother is married. To my father.

Provenza

Relax, Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh. I don't date women over 35. 40 if I'm drinking.

Brenda

Alright, then. You can have her back by 7:00, because I have a dinner I cannot miss.

Provenza

I brought this back from the funeral for you. Since you're off sweets. It's a...cake-like object made with some sort of...prune crap substitute for sugar.

Brenda

[Tastes it, then throws it away] There is no substitute for sugar.

Brenda

What are you doing?

Provenza

Being nice.

Brenda

You're not nice. And you're on duty.

Provenza

Well, give me the afternoon off.

Brenda

My mother is married. To my father.

Provenza

Relax, Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh. I don't date women over 35. 40 if I'm drinking.

Brenda

Alright, then. You can have her back by 7:00, because I have a dinner I cannot miss.

Provenza

I brought this back from the funeral for you. Since you're off sweets. It's a...cake-like object made with some sort of...prune crap substitute for sugar.

Brenda

[Tastes it, then throws it away] There is no substitute for sugar.

[to Gabriel, who is alone in the room with him] You see, every one pretends kids don't want sex. But they do. You remember when you were a kid? It's all you thought about. There's nothin' wrong with it. It's biology. And besides, black girls are different.

Gabriel

Is that right?

I mean, look at her. Black girls are way more sexy and mature than white girls. It's why they have kids so young. You probably grew up swimming in black ass. It's the way they walk; shake-shake-shakin that thang...

Provenza

[watching from the video room as Gabriel heads around to the other side of the table] Kill the feed, Buzz.

Buzz

But the chief said...

Provenza

I said, kill it! [Buzz turns off the camera feed and heads for the door] Do NOT leave this room!!

Buzz

[clearly nervous] Why not?

Provenza

Because Sergeant Gabriel is about to make a break in the case.

Provenza

[concerning their suspect's room in the nursing home] Wait a minute. I do recognize him. Baxter. Donald Baxter. He had the police beat on the newspaper when I was first starting out, chief. How did he end up here?

Sanchez

Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll come visit you.

Time! Qualification has been achieved. You may all remove your gear and sign the queue log, please. [everyone removes their hazmat suits and signs out except Buzz]

Flynn

It's ok, Tao. You can take the helmet off now. [Buzz takes off the helmet and signs out, to everyones surprise]

You're Michael Tao?

Buzz

That's Lieutenant Michael Tao.

Provenza

He's adopted.

Provenza

Family Law Attorney Real Property Lien. FLARPL.

Flynn

Sounds like something you would get at a Dairy Queen. In India.

Provenza

Well, its a law permitting asshole divorce lawyers to put a lien on a clients home to ensure payment.

Flynn

Your second wife?

Brenda

Anything useful come out of Commander Taylor's press release?

Daniels

Four calls saying 'It is a good day', a guy called and said that he killed Roy Wilkinson, though he claimed he shot him, an insurance agency, a couple of ambulance-chasing lawyers, and thirteen people reporting reckless drivers.

Provenza

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Pope

Well, congratulations, lieutenant.

Provenza

[facetiously] Yeah, I know, you're thrilled. I just dropped by to tell you that I am never going to retire. Ever.

Pope

Why?

Provenza

Look. I'm not going to tell you I'm Charlie Hustle. The only thing I chase these days are women who have had a few drinks.

Pope

Okay.

Provenza

But if you want to save a couple of bucks out of our division by trading my experience for a rookie?! I have a civil service job, and the only way that I am going to leave the Los Angeles Police Department is if I get shot, have a heart attack and then you run me over! After which, I will consider a disability position.

Pope

But you really still haven't told me why.

Provenza

When my first wife and I divorced, I agreed to split my pension with her from the day I retire. I'll be damned if she gets a nickel.

Pope

That I understand.

Provenza

Really?

Pope

I made a distressingly similar agreement with my first wife. You do realize that I may eventually be forced to put you in some crappy desk job.

Provenza

Then expect me to die with a stapler in my hand.

Brenda

Lieutenant, what just happened?

Tao

The explosives on Mellman were unstable so they had to be BIP'd.

Brenda

Wha...?

Tao

BIP... Blown in place.

Brenda

So where's my victim?

Provenza

My guess is he's probably all over the ceiling.

You guys may want to put down your little wedding cake samples before I show you my presentation. Pretty graphic.

Flynn

No, we're fine, doc. In fact, this is a really good test to see which one of these the Chief might choose for her reception.

Provenza

Yeah, if you still like it while you're watching somebody who blew their brains out, this is the cake for your wedding.

Tao

What makes a good marriage? I think patience.

Patience. And separate bathrooms.

Provenza

Up until now, you guys had avoided all the big mistakes people make in a relationship: getting married, buying a house and having kids. I look at this wedding today as a big red flag.

Gabriel

Hi. I just wanted to say that I have really enjoyed working with both of you, truly. And this really couldn't be happening to two nicer people. Congratulations, you guys.

Flynn

Hey, you guys. Enjoy Italy. You've earned it. And make sure you "sleep in" a lot your first week out. Heh heh heh.

Daniels

I don't know much about successful relationships, but you seem to have one. And I'm happy to have been a part of your lives.

Buzz

I just wanted to say that its really nice to have been invited to the reception, and I hope this little tribute is something you will like, and keep and remember.

Sanchez

My wife died six years ago and I've never taken off her ring. Always love each other. Always.

Pope

Well, I'm...happy for you. Both. May each year bring you closer together.

Taylor

So...just say something nice?

Buzz

That's what I did.

Taylor

Okay, let me think...