Well, I'd say the wife has a pretty airtight alibi.
You know who needs airtight alibis? Murderers.
“Standards and Practices” · Season 1, Episode 13
In this episode: Brenda Leigh Johnson (28), Lt. Provenza (14), David Gabriel (14), Andy Flynn (8), Fritz Howard (2), Russell Taylor (2), Buzz (2), Julio Sanchez (2)
[Provenza notices something furry floating inside the hot tub in which the victim was found]
Is that a rat?
That's his hair replacement system.
His what?!
They used to call it a toupee.
They used to call it bald, too.
The water's still hot, this bottle's half empty. This guy got drunk and cooked to death.
MMr. Mitchell
So, he's really dead?
Yes, I'm so sorry.
MMr. Mitchell
Will this affect property values?
[After catching Provenza mocking her accent and task delegation] Lt. Provenza, I need this hurried through [using extra-heavy accent] SID, in about two shakes of a lamb's tail. [shaking wet toupee at him] Thank you so very much. Let's keep it taped off, ladies and gentlemen, because until we understand things better...[turns and looks at Provenza]
Uh, [adding heavy southern accent] this is a crime scene, y'all.
I made waffles.
I have a waffle iron?
Mm hmm.
Conduct unbecoming? What about my conduct is unbecoming?
SSandra
The Drill Team was his first film as a producer. And it never would've gotten made without me. I set it up; I attached Dick.
[watching the interview] I bet she attached dick to a lot of things.
So, you guys all heard, right? About the, uh, IA investigation?
What IA Investigation?
An anonymous complaint against Deputy Chief Johnson. Conduct unbecoming. Anybody here know anything about that?
[Everyone turns and looks at Flynn]
Let's suppose I have no specific knowledge as to who filed the complaint. Suppose I were just to discuss the charge of conduct unbecoming an officer on its merits because Internal Affairs is going to ask me about it. And I'm going to answer them.
And your response will be...?
I'm going to tell them that I've observed Deputy Chief Johnson on every case that she's worked and that I think that the charges against her are small-minded, petty, and malicious, and that I'm ashamed of whoever may have filed them. That's what I'm going to tell them.
[Laughing] You feel better now? You feel righteous, all puffed up?
No, sir. I feel sick to my stomach. If you'll excuse me, I'm investigating a murder, Sir.
So, you both worked for the Pruitts?
GGardener
Yes.
And were you working at the Pruitts' house two evenings ago?
GGardener
[Looking at his partner, not really understanding English] Yes.
And did you climb Mt. Everest in your undershorts?
GGardener
Yes
Maybe this would go a little quicker if I handled it, Chief.
Ya think?
[Imitating a heavy accent] Jes.
I speak German, Russian, and am fully conversant in Czech, and I have to move to the one city where half of the people are from Latin America?
Did he just say avocado?
No. Abogado.
What does that mean?
Attorney.
LMrs. Lopez
If you insist on coming back here without our permission, I intend to report you to your superiors for harassment.
You might have to take a number.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I don't know. What are you thinking?
I'm thinking that no one could have gotten from here to Pruitt's house and back in under an hour. I mean there were shows at the Greek and Hollywood Bowl. It would have been bumper to bumper for miles. Is that what you were thinking?
No. I was thinking about the subway.
Oh, yeah. We got a subway.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Closer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.