Brenda Leigh Johnson quotes from The Closer

Pope

[dressed in a tuxedo] How do I look? Seriously.

Brenda

Fine. Nice. Where are you going, anyway?

Pope

This event slash dinner thing with a bunch of city council members. Blah. You don't know how lucky you are that you don't have to do this stuff. What about Taylor?

Brenda

What about him?

Pope

You know, for Major Crimes. Well, think about it. He's been very supportive.

Brenda

[sarcastically] So send him a basket of muffins!

Brenda

Before you get angry, last night Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza --

Pope

Yep, already angry. What have they done this time?

Brenda

While escorting a fugitive back from Dallas they struck up a date with a couple of stewardesses.

Pope

What is this, the 70s?

Brenda

Lieutenant, has it even occurred to you that these women just asked ya'll out because they were using you?

Flynn

That's crazy!

Provenza

I won't even dignify that with a response!

Brenda

So the baseball bat didn't kill him?

No, though it probably really annoyed him as he was dying from a broken neck.

Tao

Just to be clear, we're calling this a major crime because...?

Brenda

Look, whenever a member of my division stumbles on a body, it is automatically a major crime.

Where's the line for you doctor? You start by cutting up people you *think* committed rape, but who's next? Drug dealers? Thieves? People who cross against the light?

Listen to me. There are two really bad boys out there that I didn't get to. Why don't you give me a year? See what happens. I can make this place safer than you can.

Brenda

Who gave you the right to play God?

Position was vacant, so I took it.

Brenda

Look, Will, for your own sake, just take a deep breath, okay? I-I know you're feeling some extra pressure because of this whole chief business...

Pope

So now, on top of everything else, you're accusing me of overreacting?! You want to know what I think? I think your own reaction to this case has been slow, unimpressive, and potentially dangerous to the rest of the parole-board members in the state.

Brenda

Okay! That's it! You don't like the way I'm handling this case, that's just fine. You should just take it over yourself.

Pope

You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Brenda

I hate to say this, Will, but this whole Chief selection process, it has not brought out the best in you. And if this is how you intend to run the Department, I'm not even sure it's a job you should have.

Pope

Well, do you think you could do better?

Brenda

I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't.

Brenda

(answers phone): Deputy Chief Johnson.

Provenza

Where are you?

Pope

(to Provenza): Is that Chief Johnson?

Provenza

My proctologist. You need something?

Pope

No. No, I just... You're asking where your proctologist is?

Provenza

Yes. I hate it when he surprises me.

Brenda

Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza, here, now.

Provenza

Chief, now I know you're a little upset, but --

Brenda

There are no buts, lieutenant! I am suspending you both for the next seventy-two hours.

Flynn

On what grounds?

Brenda

On the grounds that you procured outside employment without authorization, used LAPD equipment to conduct a warrantless search, enlisted a civilian in your illicit activities. Need I go on?

Provenza

No, that's a pretty complete list.

Brenda

And since Major Crimes has agreed to leave the pursuit of Mr. Hirschbaum to the FBI, I would be appalled if you, as private citizens, tried to serve him again by tracking a number that might point to his current whereabouts. [hands Provenza a piece of paper with a number on it] Tell Buzz that he and his "catfish" device are suspended as well.

[news broadcast] "Daddy Say Yes" has broken into the top ten in downloads following her father's tragic accident. A bit of comfort for the folks gathering here in the Fort Wayne theater community.

Brenda

Ugh. It's only a bit of comfort if you believe Bob Michaels found a fresh pizza on a mountain trail one hour before he was pepper sprayed and shoved off the side of a cliff by the Invisible Man. It's so frustrating that you couldn't find any footprints.

Fritz

Yeah, too many feet on the trail to tell who's who. Obviously somebody neatened up near the edge of the cliff. It's not my fault.

Brenda

Ooh! That song again! It makes me want to jump off a cliff.

Fritz

You've got to admit, it's kind of catchy.

Brenda

So's the flu.

Let's just cut to the chase here: what do you want?

Brenda

The same thing you want, Mr. Goldman; to find the people who killed JRock, who from what you just told Captain Raydor, are probably the same crew who killed Terrell Baylor.

You don't actually expect me to believe you care about that do you? If you arrest Terrell's killers you'll end up making my case against you!

Brenda

If you know the names of these people you better tell me who they are before they do to you what they did to JRock.

Oh, sorry. Your usual scare tactics wouldn't work with me even if I knew those names, which I don't. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm sure you have other people you want to try intimidating, and I have work to do.

Brenda

Please. Look, wait a minute. If you're determined to leave here without helping me, at least let me offer you some protection.

Oh, would that be the same kind of protection you offered Terrell Baylor? Would you also like to offer me a lift home?

Brenda

At least I'll know where to start looking for you when you don't show up for work tomorrow.

I'm not afraid.

Brenda

Yes, you are.

Sanchez

Chief, Goldman is here, in this print shed, right now. Everything you say and everything that you do will get back to him. You need to follow up without us. When you're not sure you can trust, chief, don't trust anyone.

Brenda

But Julio, these people are my friends.

Sanchez

That's what JRock was thinking when he parked the car.

Chief --

Brenda

[walking away, so angry she's crying] Don't talk to me right now. I know you refused on the settlement. I know it's not your fault, but I just don't want to talk about it right now.

Don't talk, then listen: I know this didn't end the way we wanted, but considering the list of suspects he gave us there is the chance that Peter Goldman will be in danger the moment he leaves this building. So what do you want me to do about that?

Brenda

So, ask Goldman to reveal his leak in Major Crimes nicely, and if he refuses, well, order him protection whether he likes it or not.

That is the right and honorable thing to do.

Brenda

It's the Johnson Rule, Captain. [wipes away a tear] Thank you.