Dad quotes from The Brak Show

Thundercleese

[about Petroleum Joe] He is referring to carnal pleasures.

Dad

Oh, like the Ferris Wheel!

Thundercleese

[Thundercleese thinks about this] ...Yes, like the Ferris Wheel.

Wait a minute, why were you going to arrest Brak?

Because he is a criminal. He's committed many crimes in the future, where I come from. Even though the show took place in 1966.

Dad

What show?

My action-adventure show. It was wildly popular in the past, where it took place. Even though it was set in the future. Of course, in 1994 I also had a talk show in the future and Brak was my friend. Well, not really my friend, more of an associate. Unlike 1966 when he was a criminal in the past. Do you understand the words that I have said to you?

Dad

Ah, yes...but, uh, mostly no.

Dad

Mother, people only invite you to dinner for three reasons: to sell you vitamins, to drug you and take unpleasant snapshots, or to convert you to their hideous farming religion!

Oh, rubbish!

Dad

No, mother, this is serious business -- they make you take an animal wife

You are going to get your bum off that chair, put on your walking hat, and come to the party. Is that clear?

Dad

All right, but I'm not kissing any animals on the lips.

Brak

Me neither!

Fair enough. Off we go then!

You are going to be charming no matter what happens. And you will keep your peculiar theories and philosophies of life to yourself!

Dad

But that's what I bring to the table, Mother! Don't you want to expose them to the full Dad treatment?

They don't want the full Dad treatment. No one does.

Dad

[reading a survey card] "I, the customer, was a jerk on purpose. I had a bad attitude when I came in. Agree, strongly agree, or super strongly agree?"

Thundercleese

Isn't "disagree" on there?

Dad

No, next question. "My demands were unreasonable, and I presented them with a very poor attitude because of my poor upbringing on a robot farm."

Clarence

That's not what it says! Let me see it! [takes the card, but accidentally eats it] Whoops, somebody ate it.

Dad

Ay, Madre de Dios! It's Zorak!

Mom

It *was* Zorak. Heh heh [kicks his head] He's dead, all right.

Dad

I hated Zorak all my life, but now that he's dead I hate him even more because as an unregistered alien without proper driving credentials, I'll go to jail for killing this piece of crap!

Mom

[about the murder and eating Zorak's flesh] Brak can't know about this; he'll rat us out!

Dad

Yes, if anybody could find a problem with eating his best friend, it would be Brak; he's so anal.

Brak

So, what do you think of my new shoes?

Dad

I think they look like crap just like you, you big jackass!

Where. Is the toilet?!

Dad

What the hell is this milkshake doing in the kitchen?

Did I not just ask where the toilet was?! Because if you don't have one, I'll use the sink.

He will, too. Get them dishes outta there.

Dad

Mother if you don't stop crying I'll....

Mom

You try it and I'll rip off your arm and shove it up your bum!

Dad

You do that and I'll slap you in the face with my newly acquired bum-arm!

Mom

You do that and I'll bite off your arm, chew it up, and spit the bone fragments into your eyes. Thus puncturing them and causing the eye liquid to flow into your lungs drowning you!

Dad

Mother, that's pretty harsh.

Brak

I guess I'd better get back to my pad. Them girls ain't kissin' themselves.

Dad

If they start, you know where to find me. Oh, I love that business.

Would you care to do a kind deed for an old man down on his luck? Perhaps a drop of ale, and a crust of bread. [coughs]

Dad

Hey, how about a crust of nothing, and for dessert, a door in your face?! [slams the door on the beggar]

Dad

Please save me.

Brak

Save you from what?

Dad

The crows. They're holding me prisoner.

Brak

Really? How's that going for you?

Dad

Not good. I think they're planning to kill me.

Brak

Killer crows? Bummer.

Dad

They'll probably kill you too.

Brak

[terrified] Damn it!

Dad

Just for talking to me. [cries]

Brak

Oh, no. Or should I say... OH, NO...!!!