Jan Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Marcia

No Cindy! It is too hard for you!

Cindy

But why can't I help!? The chair, it goes in my room too!

Jan

Look Cindy! This isn't a game! If you mess up the paint, we are going to have to do it all over again!

Bobby

Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike

How much?

Bobby

A whole inch and a half!

Carol

Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.

Mike

Not since yesterday.

Bobby

But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!

Cindy

No, it's only a half an inch!

Bobby

How do you know it's only half an inch?

Cindy

Well...

Mike

Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy

I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!

Mike

Cindy!

Cindy

I'm sorry!

Bobby

Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!

Jan

No, only half an inch.

Carol

You did the same thing too? [Jan nods]

Bobby

Well, a half inch isn't bad.

Marcia

Bobby.

Carol

Oh, no.

Marcia

I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby

That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of!

Mike

Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right —

Carol

They were only trying to help.

Bobby

They did it because they know it's true!

Carol

Now what's true?

Bobby

I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! [runs up the stairs]

Mike

It's not your fault, Alice. [glares at the kids] Was it, kids?

Carol

Like I just said, "If you take a joke too far, someone could get hurt".

Jan

Gosh, it won a prize, too.

Carol

Well...! [sighs] So much for third place!

Mike

All right, all right! That's it! Everybody upstairs! And no allowance for two weeks! And that goes for all of you!

Jan

If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!

Greg

You mean that, Jan?

Jan

You're right, I sure do!

Greg

Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? [Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree]

Peter

You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

Marcia

And you can have the whole house to yourself.

Jan

Great!

Cindy

For us, too!

Greg

As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.

Bobby

Yeah, we're not even here!

Greg

Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. [Everybody but Jan leaves]

Peter

What are we leaving for?

Bobby

Yeah, this is our room!

Marcia

Hey, just a minute, you!

Jan

What? [Marcia yanks her sweater back] What do you think you're doing?

Marcia

That's my sweater!

Jan

So what? I always borrow your sweater!

Marcia

Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.

Carol

Okay, kids, okay.

Marcia

Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Carol

Yes, I remember.

Marcia

And I'm sticking to it.

Carol

Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Jan

Yes!

Marcia

Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and [snaps fingers] vanish. [leaves]

Jan

That's not fair!

Carol

I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. [Jan leaves]

Jan

Me play one of the seven dwarfs?

Cindy

You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?

Jan

Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.

Cindy

Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.

Jan

You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy

Well, will you help me with the play?

Jan

Sure. If I can be Dopey.

Cindy

Well, you can't be Dopey.

Jan

Why not?

Cindy

I'm saving that part for someone special.

Jan

Who?

Cindy

Me.

Marcia

Come in.

Cindy

Marcia, how about —

Marcia

Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy

Oh, thanks!

Marcia

Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy

How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia

Thin walls.

Greg

Come in.

Cindy

Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice —

Greg

Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy

Thanks!

Greg

But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy

How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg

Thin floors.

Peter

Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby

That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.

Peter

Well, you can't be Dopey.

Bobby

Yes, I can. [door closes]

Cindy

"Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?

Cindy

Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice

I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?

Cindy

That part's already taken, six times.

Alice

What have you got left?

Cindy

How about the wicked queen?

Alice

You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. [imitates evil laughter]

Cindy

That was good. Thanks, Alice!

Bobby

Wanna play a game or something, Alice?

Alice

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Bobby

Why not?

Alice

Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon That Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in]

Bobby

Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg

Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.

Bobby

Hey, where are you going?

Marcia

We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.

Bobby

How come?

Jan

That wallpaper post made our room smell too icky.

Cindy

Have fun. [the girls leave]

Bobby

Yeah. Whoopee.

Mike

Good night, son.

Carol

Don't stay up past your bedtime.

Bobby

I might as well go to sleep right now; there's nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol

Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.

Bobby

That's the same thing as being alone.

Bobby

I win.

Jan

Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy

Did you cheat?

Bobby

No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan

He didn't really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy

Then why did you say that?

Jan

It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby

I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.

Jan

Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.

Bobby

Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. [leaves the room]

Jan

I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy

Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. [leaves]

Jan

Won't anybody around here debate me? [picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll] You, pick a side.

Cindy

Hey, did the UFO land yet?

Bobby

No, do you see one?

Jan

Oh, well we thought that maybe you hid it in your sleeping bags.

Peter

Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby

Yeah!

Cindy

Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan

It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.

Peter

[hops up] Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects!

Jan

Ooh, quiver!

Cindy

Quake, quake!

Peter

Blast off!

Alice

Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?

Cindy

Oh yeah, Alice!

Jan

Me too.

Greg

No, I gotta get going.

Marcia

Same here.

Alice

Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?

Greg

No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".

Marcia

Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Marcia

Passing through.

Jan

Gotta use the bathroom.

Peter

You got a door on your side!

Marcia

It's stuck! [The girls get into the bathroom]

Bobby

Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.

Marcia

Passing through.

Bobby

What is this, a freeway?

Jan

Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.

Greg

Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever!

Peter

[Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed] Hey Greg, what are you doing down here?

Greg

[Emerges] Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him!

Peter

What... [Laughs] Hey, do you know your hair is orange? [Greg fumes] What happened?

Greg

Bobby's hair tonic!

Peter

You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! [Laughs]

Greg

Very funny. [Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room] Has either of you seen Bobby?

Marcia

Greg! What happened to your hair?

Greg

Bobby's hair tonic!

Jan

Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk?

Greg

Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident!

Marcia

[Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater] Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!