Mike Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Mike

[to all the kids] When your mother and I got married, the man said it was going to be better or worse. We have had enough worse. Now we are going to have some better. Effectively immediately, we share. And we share like everyone else.

Mike

Jungle fever is going around too but not in this neighborhood.

Mike

A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.

Mike

Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us.

But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.

Carol

Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …

Mike

[interrupts her] It’s quite alright, darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.

Carol

I don’t hear anything.

Mike

What’s the matter with that?

Carol

Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.

Mike

It's just not gonna be the same without Alice.

Greg

Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

Mike

Well then?

Greg

We're sick of doing all these things.

Peter

Do this, do that, they're a real pain.

Bobby

Yeah, they're too bossy.

Greg

Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby

What?

Peter

Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby

I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter

Honest?

Bobby

Honest.

Greg

Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby

Even the sacred oath.

Peter

Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

Marcia

Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy

Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan

I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy

[crying] And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia

Come on. [takes Cindy's hand]

Cindy

Where are we going?

Marcia

We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan

Yeah. [They leave for boys' room]

Peter

If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg

Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. [They leave for girls' room]

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back or... [they realize room is empty]

Greg

Now listen here, Cindy, you... [they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door] Come on.

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg

You stop picking on him!

Jan

What did you do with her?

Peter

He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy

He did too!

Bobby

I did not!

Marcia

You did so!

Greg

He did not so!

Marcia

Oh yeah?

Greg

Yeah!

Mike

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

Mike

Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol

Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike

Well, Bobby?

Bobby

I didn't take it!

Marcia

He did too!

Greg

He did not!

Mike

CUT!

Bobby

Circum-special?

Mike

No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.

Cindy

You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

Greg

[to Harvey] Hang on a minute. [to Mike and Carol] What gives?

Carol

That is how long you are allowed on the phone. And when the sand runs out, it is "Goodbye Charlie".

Greg

I am talking to Harvey.

Mike

Then it's "Goodbye Harvey"!

Mike

[to the kids] All right! We all know that in the past, the telephone problem has been absolutely impossible!

Cindy

It has not bothered me.

Bobby

Me neither.

Mike

[turns to Bobby and Cindy] Oh yeah? Well, it has bothered me. And it has bothered our household budget. [then to the rest of the kids] Fortunately, I have the solution to the problem and here it is.

Mike

[cheering] TA-DA!

Carol

That looks like a pay telephone.

Mike

That is a pay telephone.

Carol

Honey, that looks like a real payphone.

Mike

Precisely. Didn’t you notice the other one is gone, the other phone?

Carol

Hey, it is gone.

Greg

I don’t dig.

Marcia

What’s the point?

Mike

The point is, this payphone is for all you kids. And the household budget stops taking a beating. From now on, you are given an addition to your allowance for two calls per day. After that, those calls you make is then deducted from your allowance.

Peter

Did you say, two calls a day?

Mike

[turns to Peter] That’s right, Peter. The rest then comes out of your allowance.

Jan

Two calls?! But I average at least ten!

Mike

[turns to Jan] Well, there goes your allowance.

Mike

This payphone should teach you kids not to monopolize the phone. And you have to be especially careful about toll calls.

Mike

[to Carol] Did you know that every call you make to Martha is a toll call?

Carol

[laughs] Well, you don’t expect me to use that thing.

Mike

Very good, you can use my phone in the den.

Carol

[sarcastically] Oh, thanks a lot.

Mike

You’re welcome.

Peter

Two calls? Even when you’re arrested you get to make one call.

Jan

And that you make to your lawyer.

Greg

Come on, let’s tell them how we feel.

Marcia

We don't want a payphone! You can't lie on the floor and talk!

Mike

That should make your calls shorter, won't it?

Greg

Suppose we promise to be more careful.

Mike

[to Greg] Sorry, son. We've tried discussion, we've tried egg timers, we've even tried threats. Nothing worked.

Carol

You're right, Greg.

Mike

Now you use the pay phone.

Marcia

But Dad...!

Mike

[to Marcia] Sorry, Marcia. But maybe this is going to solve the problem. [turns to all the rest of the kids.] DISMISSED!

Bobby

Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.

Carol

Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.

Bobby

You? [Carol nods] Even though I'm only a step?

Carol

Listen, the only steps in this house are those... [shows Bobby the stairs] ...the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?

Bobby

Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!

Mike

Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Alice

You got everything here?

Carol

Well, I think so. Six luncheon trays...!

Carol

[singing] ♪leave it all to me!♪

[both singing --and singing the final lyric as a duet] ♪leave it all to me!♪

Greg

Sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Mike

Marcia? Those chores were your punishment. Unless you can explain why you ignored them, I am going to have to be a little more severe.

Marcia

But I can't explain. Not right now.

Mike

Very well then.

Mike

I am going to ground you for one week. No playground or friends's houses. And when you come home from school, you (after school) are to go straight to your room.

Carol

Jan?

Carol

[to Jan] Where is Marcia?

Jan

I don't know.

Marcia

[at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol] Here I am, Mommy.

Carol

Marcia...!? What on earth!?

Mike

[after leading Marcia inside] Where were you?

Marcia

Mailing a letter.

Mike

AT THIS HOUR!? DOWN THE TRELLIS!? YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR NECK!

Marcia

I had to mail the letter.

Carol

Why?

Marcia

I can't say.

Mike

Marcia...?

Mike

Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative.

Mike

We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you.

Carol

Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.