Jan Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Jan

Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Greg

Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby

What?

Peter

Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby

I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter

Honest?

Bobby

Honest.

Greg

Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby

Even the sacred oath.

Peter

Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

Marcia

Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy

Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan

I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy

[crying] And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia

Come on. [takes Cindy's hand]

Cindy

Where are we going?

Marcia

We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan

Yeah. [They leave for boys' room]

Peter

If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg

Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. [They leave for girls' room]

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back or... [they realize room is empty]

Greg

Now listen here, Cindy, you... [they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door] Come on.

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg

You stop picking on him!

Jan

What did you do with her?

Peter

He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy

He did too!

Bobby

I did not!

Marcia

You did so!

Greg

He did not so!

Marcia

Oh yeah?

Greg

Yeah!

Mike

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

Mike

Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol

Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike

Well, Bobby?

Bobby

I didn't take it!

Marcia

He did too!

Greg

He did not!

Mike

CUT!

Marcia

But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!

Jan

Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?

Cindy

With wild animals?

Carol

Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.

Marcia

And camping is for boys!

Carol

Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.

Jan

On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck!

Cindy

Yeah, yuck!

Carol

Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.

Marcia

How many times have you been camping, Mom?

Carol

Well, never, but I've heard about it.

Jan

And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. [collapses on the bed]

Carol

You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

Mike

[to the kids] All right! We all know that in the past, the telephone problem has been absolutely impossible!

Cindy

It has not bothered me.

Bobby

Me neither.

Mike

[turns to Bobby and Cindy] Oh yeah? Well, it has bothered me. And it has bothered our household budget. [then to the rest of the kids] Fortunately, I have the solution to the problem and here it is.

Mike

[cheering] TA-DA!

Carol

That looks like a pay telephone.

Mike

That is a pay telephone.

Carol

Honey, that looks like a real payphone.

Mike

Precisely. Didn’t you notice the other one is gone, the other phone?

Carol

Hey, it is gone.

Greg

I don’t dig.

Marcia

What’s the point?

Mike

The point is, this payphone is for all you kids. And the household budget stops taking a beating. From now on, you are given an addition to your allowance for two calls per day. After that, those calls you make is then deducted from your allowance.

Peter

Did you say, two calls a day?

Mike

[turns to Peter] That’s right, Peter. The rest then comes out of your allowance.

Jan

Two calls?! But I average at least ten!

Mike

[turns to Jan] Well, there goes your allowance.

Mike

This payphone should teach you kids not to monopolize the phone. And you have to be especially careful about toll calls.

Mike

[to Carol] Did you know that every call you make to Martha is a toll call?

Carol

[laughs] Well, you don’t expect me to use that thing.

Mike

Very good, you can use my phone in the den.

Carol

[sarcastically] Oh, thanks a lot.

Mike

You’re welcome.

Peter

Two calls? Even when you’re arrested you get to make one call.

Jan

And that you make to your lawyer.

Greg

Come on, let’s tell them how we feel.

Marcia

We don't want a payphone! You can't lie on the floor and talk!

Mike

That should make your calls shorter, won't it?

Greg

Suppose we promise to be more careful.

Mike

[to Greg] Sorry, son. We've tried discussion, we've tried egg timers, we've even tried threats. Nothing worked.

Carol

You're right, Greg.

Mike

Now you use the pay phone.

Marcia

But Dad...!

Mike

[to Marcia] Sorry, Marcia. But maybe this is going to solve the problem. [turns to all the rest of the kids.] DISMISSED!

Cindy

Marcia! Will you please tell Bobby to stop it?

Marcia

Listen, Cindy. You promised you would stay in the boys' room with Bobby and color.

Bobby

That is what we are doing! We are coloring!

Cindy

I'm coloring a tiger and Bobby's coloring a giraffe. And now Bobby wants to color me!

Jan

You?

Cindy

He wants to color my spots!

Bobby

I thought they would look better in green.

Greg

Go back and color your coloring books. And Bobby? Her spots would look rotten in green.

Bobby

Hey, how about blue? I am going to make her spots blue.

Cindy

I like them red, like they are!

Carol

Jan?

Carol

[to Jan] Where is Marcia?

Jan

I don't know.

Marcia

[at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol] Here I am, Mommy.

Carol

Marcia...!? What on earth!?

Mike

[after leading Marcia inside] Where were you?

Marcia

Mailing a letter.

Mike

AT THIS HOUR!? DOWN THE TRELLIS!? YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR NECK!

Marcia

I had to mail the letter.

Carol

Why?

Marcia

I can't say.

Mike

Marcia...?

Mike

Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative.

Mike

We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you.

Carol

Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.

Mike

While Alice is grounded, you are all going to assume the job of running this house. And that is starting tomorrow and right after school.

Greg

But Dad, our team has practice work outs! So we can stay in shape for the next game!

Mike

I guarantee your coach you will be in shape.

Marcia

What about my music lessons?!

Mike

You can hum a lot while you work.

Jan

No dance class?!

Mike

That's right. No dance class.

Peter

Dad? Would you believe that I would spend every afternoon studying at the library?

Mike

[laughs] Yeah, that's a great try, Peter. And I would like to believe that. But it would boggle my mind. Anyone else?

Bobby

I give up.

Cindy

Me too.

Mike

Good. Now that we understand each other, hit the sack! Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work!

Marcia

[about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?

Cindy

Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.

Jan

Thanks, Cindy!

Cindy

But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Jan

[when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.

Cindy

Daddy said to act natural — and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

Mike

Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.

Carol

Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.

Mike

By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.

Carol

Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.

Mike

Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.

Carol

Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?

Mike

Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?

Carol

[gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it?

Mike

Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him.

Peter

Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

Marcia

I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg

Oh, no.

Marcia

Well, somebody had to take the blame.

Greg

I told Mom I did it.

Bobby

Me too.

Jan

Thud.

Bobby

You too?

Cindy

I guess we all confessed.

Peter

I didn’t.

Greg

You didn’t.

Peter

[angry] I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!

Marcia

Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.

Jan

Shh! Here they come.

Cindy

I think we’re all gonna get it now.

Mike

One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it.

Carol

There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.

Mike

Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.

Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig.

Jan

‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.

Cindy

By yon bonnie banks

And by yon bonnie braes

Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

Cindy

How are we supposed to practice?

Peter

You can hear these drums all the way to Loch Lomond.

Jan

Right now I wish Bobby was in the glee club.

Peter

I wish he was in Loch Lomond.

Marcia

One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.

Jan

[to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!

Cindy

What does that mean?

Jan

It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.

Cindy

Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

Jan

[reads the letter from her teacher and principal] In the past several weeks, Jan's grades have...!

Mike

[stops Jan from reading the letter] That is enough, Jan.

Carol

[to Jan] Jan? Where do you normally sit in Mrs. Denthoff's class?

Jan

In the back. Why?

Mike

Does she write lessons on the black board in the front of the class?

Jan

Usually.

Carol

Jan? I think you may need glasses.

Jan

Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses!

Mike

Certainly, you want to have your eyes checked.

Carol

Honey? Wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.

Jan

But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!

Mike

Well, listen Jan. Do you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?

Jan

Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! I am going to look positively goofy!

Mike

Jan? Sit down, honey. Jan? Is there something you must explain to me?

Jan

What, Dad?

Mike

Well, when we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.

Jan

I didn't?

Mike

No, you didn't. That cannot be the same picture. Can it?

Jan

It isn’t, Dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault. I ruined the first one because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.

Mike

Jan? You are very lucky you ran into the picture. You would've run into something much worse — like a car.

Jan

I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.

Mike

Oh yeah? Well, for a little reminder, I am afraid I am going to have to ground you. For two weeks, no bicycle.

Jan

Can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle!

Mike

Oh yes. I am afraid that I can.

Jan

Well, you see, I do not have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.

Mike

Well, okay. I guess that is punishment enough.