Alice Nelson quotes from The Brady Bunch

Alice

Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

Alice

[to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

Alice

THIRD PRIZE? What a gyp! [She goes over to the TV and angrily turns it off] That's the last time I ever watch THAT crooked channel!

Alice

You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.

Carol

[raspy voice] 24 hours!?

Alice

Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

Alice

You got everything here?

Carol

Well, I think so. Six luncheon trays...!

Carol

[singing] ♪leave it all to me!♪

[both singing --and singing the final lyric as a duet] ♪leave it all to me!♪

Greg

Sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Alice

WRONG!

Mike

Uh oh! Wrong it is!

Carol

What? What is it?

Carol

Oh no! This family better make up its mind and quick! If they don't, it will be no longer possible to purchase premiums!

Carol

[about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.

Alice

That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

Alice

[brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg] If you ask me, I think it's a miracle.

Carol

Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice

No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes house calls.

Cindy

He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say "Ah".

Alice

Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

Alice

And I found...!

Alice

...well, what was left of the other one.

Carol

Oh no!

Peter

At least the mystery is solved.

Mike

Well, Carol? You are just going to have to go without them. Come on, honey, we better get going.

Cindy

Mom, I promise I’ll never take anything again (that doesn't belong to me) when I’m not supposed to.

Carol

All right, Cindy. But you and I are going to have a very long talk about this tomorrow.

Mike

Well, six shopping carts full. I think that's a new record.

Carol

Yeah, but you got to admit, the smorgasbord is a pretty good idea. We have got enough food to feed all our friends, their relatives, their houseguests, plus any last minute drop-ins.

Mike

Even the drop-ins can bring their drop-ins.

Alice

[Walks in] Looks like you've got plenty of smorgas for the bord.

Mike

There's still more smorgas in the car.

Carol

Hey Alice, were there any calls while we were out?

Alice

Just one, the school called to give you the date of Cindy's television show.

Carol

Oh good.

Mike

When is it?

Alice

I'll give you a hint: we're going to be eating this stuff a long long time.

Carol

Alice, you don't mean.

Alice

I do mean.

Mike

No, no, no, no, no.

Alice

Yes, yes, yes.

Carol

No, naturally, the 10th. The night of our party.

Alice

I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the car. [leaves]

Mike

You know, I don't believe it. First, we're gonna invite a couple of friends over, barbecue steaks, then we change to a Mexican dinner so we can invite more people, so I cancel the steaks, I run all over town in search of authentic Mexican food. But then, we switch to a smorgasbord, so we can have friends and friends of friends and uncles and relatives and assorted drop-ins. But now, I have got enough Mexican food to feed every guitar player in Guadalajara, and I corner the market on herring. And now, I find out that we are having a party for 26 people on the 10th, and the only people who aren't gonna be here are us.

Carol

[Applauds] That was a wonderful soliloquy, Hamlet. Are you finished?

Mike

Yes.

Carol

Uh, maybe you better go help Alice get the rest of the things out of the car. [Mike leaves] Poor dear.

Jan

Me play one of the seven dwarfs?

Cindy

You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?

Jan

Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.

Cindy

Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.

Jan

You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy

Well, will you help me with the play?

Jan

Sure. If I can be Dopey.

Cindy

Well, you can't be Dopey.

Jan

Why not?

Cindy

I'm saving that part for someone special.

Jan

Who?

Cindy

Me.

Marcia

Come in.

Cindy

Marcia, how about —

Marcia

Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy

Oh, thanks!

Marcia

Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy

How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia

Thin walls.

Greg

Come in.

Cindy

Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice —

Greg

Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy

Thanks!

Greg

But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy

How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg

Thin floors.

Peter

Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby

That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.

Peter

Well, you can't be Dopey.

Bobby

Yes, I can. [door closes]

Cindy

"Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?

Cindy

Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice

I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?

Cindy

That part's already taken, six times.

Alice

What have you got left?

Cindy

How about the wicked queen?

Alice

You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. [imitates evil laughter]

Cindy

That was good. Thanks, Alice!

Alice

The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!

Cindy

Since when is Hungarian goulash American?

Alice

Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.

Bobby

Wanna play a game or something, Alice?

Alice

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Bobby

Why not?

Alice

Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon That Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in]

Bobby

Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg

Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.

Bobby

Hey, where are you going?

Marcia

We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.

Bobby

How come?

Jan

That wallpaper post made our room smell too icky.

Cindy

Have fun. [the girls leave]

Bobby

Yeah. Whoopee.

Mike

Good night, son.

Carol

Don't stay up past your bedtime.

Bobby

I might as well go to sleep right now; there's nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol

Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.

Bobby

That's the same thing as being alone.

Alice

Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?

Cindy

Oh yeah, Alice!

Jan

Me too.

Greg

No, I gotta get going.

Marcia

Same here.

Alice

Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?

Greg

No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".

Marcia

Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.