Marcia Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Marcia

Something suddenly came up.

Marcia

Hey, you guys...!

Marcia

OH! MY NOSE!

Greg

Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby

What?

Peter

Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby

I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter

Honest?

Bobby

Honest.

Greg

Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby

Even the sacred oath.

Peter

Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

Marcia

Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy

Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan

I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy

[crying] And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia

Come on. [takes Cindy's hand]

Cindy

Where are we going?

Marcia

We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan

Yeah. [They leave for boys' room]

Peter

If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg

Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. [They leave for girls' room]

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back or... [they realize room is empty]

Greg

Now listen here, Cindy, you... [they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door] Come on.

Marcia

Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg

You stop picking on him!

Jan

What did you do with her?

Peter

He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy

He did too!

Bobby

I did not!

Marcia

You did so!

Greg

He did not so!

Marcia

Oh yeah?

Greg

Yeah!

Mike

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

Mike

Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol

Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike

Well, Bobby?

Bobby

I didn't take it!

Marcia

He did too!

Greg

He did not!

Mike

CUT!

Marcia

But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!

Jan

Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?

Cindy

With wild animals?

Carol

Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.

Marcia

And camping is for boys!

Carol

Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.

Jan

On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck!

Cindy

Yeah, yuck!

Carol

Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.

Marcia

How many times have you been camping, Mom?

Carol

Well, never, but I've heard about it.

Jan

And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. [collapses on the bed]

Carol

You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

Mike

[to the kids] All right! We all know that in the past, the telephone problem has been absolutely impossible!

Cindy

It has not bothered me.

Bobby

Me neither.

Mike

[turns to Bobby and Cindy] Oh yeah? Well, it has bothered me. And it has bothered our household budget. [then to the rest of the kids] Fortunately, I have the solution to the problem and here it is.

Mike

[cheering] TA-DA!

Carol

That looks like a pay telephone.

Mike

That is a pay telephone.

Carol

Honey, that looks like a real payphone.

Mike

Precisely. Didn’t you notice the other one is gone, the other phone?

Carol

Hey, it is gone.

Greg

I don’t dig.

Marcia

What’s the point?

Mike

The point is, this payphone is for all you kids. And the household budget stops taking a beating. From now on, you are given an addition to your allowance for two calls per day. After that, those calls you make is then deducted from your allowance.

Peter

Did you say, two calls a day?

Mike

[turns to Peter] That’s right, Peter. The rest then comes out of your allowance.

Jan

Two calls?! But I average at least ten!

Mike

[turns to Jan] Well, there goes your allowance.

Mike

This payphone should teach you kids not to monopolize the phone. And you have to be especially careful about toll calls.

Mike

[to Carol] Did you know that every call you make to Martha is a toll call?

Carol

[laughs] Well, you don’t expect me to use that thing.

Mike

Very good, you can use my phone in the den.

Carol

[sarcastically] Oh, thanks a lot.

Mike

You’re welcome.

Peter

Two calls? Even when you’re arrested you get to make one call.

Jan

And that you make to your lawyer.

Greg

Come on, let’s tell them how we feel.

Marcia

We don't want a payphone! You can't lie on the floor and talk!

Mike

That should make your calls shorter, won't it?

Greg

Suppose we promise to be more careful.

Mike

[to Greg] Sorry, son. We've tried discussion, we've tried egg timers, we've even tried threats. Nothing worked.

Carol

You're right, Greg.

Mike

Now you use the pay phone.

Marcia

But Dad...!

Mike

[to Marcia] Sorry, Marcia. But maybe this is going to solve the problem. [turns to all the rest of the kids.] DISMISSED!

Cindy

Marcia! Will you please tell Bobby to stop it?

Marcia

Listen, Cindy. You promised you would stay in the boys' room with Bobby and color.

Bobby

That is what we are doing! We are coloring!

Cindy

I'm coloring a tiger and Bobby's coloring a giraffe. And now Bobby wants to color me!

Jan

You?

Cindy

He wants to color my spots!

Bobby

I thought they would look better in green.

Greg

Go back and color your coloring books. And Bobby? Her spots would look rotten in green.

Bobby

Hey, how about blue? I am going to make her spots blue.

Cindy

I like them red, like they are!

Mike

Marcia? Those chores were your punishment. Unless you can explain why you ignored them, I am going to have to be a little more severe.

Marcia

But I can't explain. Not right now.

Mike

Very well then.

Mike

I am going to ground you for one week. No playground or friends's houses. And when you come home from school, you (after school) are to go straight to your room.

Carol

Jan?

Carol

[to Jan] Where is Marcia?

Jan

I don't know.

Marcia

[at the window, from the trellis, and to Carol] Here I am, Mommy.

Carol

Marcia...!? What on earth!?

Mike

[after leading Marcia inside] Where were you?

Marcia

Mailing a letter.

Mike

AT THIS HOUR!? DOWN THE TRELLIS!? YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN YOUR NECK!

Marcia

I had to mail the letter.

Carol

Why?

Marcia

I can't say.

Mike

Marcia...?

Mike

Marcia, I have given you every chance possible. Now you leave me with no alternative.

Mike

We are all going skiing this weekend — all except you.

Carol

Your father is right. You are going to just have to stay at home with your grandparents.

Mike

While Alice is grounded, you are all going to assume the job of running this house. And that is starting tomorrow and right after school.

Greg

But Dad, our team has practice work outs! So we can stay in shape for the next game!

Mike

I guarantee your coach you will be in shape.

Marcia

What about my music lessons?!

Mike

You can hum a lot while you work.

Jan

No dance class?!

Mike

That's right. No dance class.

Peter

Dad? Would you believe that I would spend every afternoon studying at the library?

Mike

[laughs] Yeah, that's a great try, Peter. And I would like to believe that. But it would boggle my mind. Anyone else?

Bobby

I give up.

Cindy

Me too.

Mike

Good. Now that we understand each other, hit the sack! Starting with breakfast tomorrow, we get to work!

Marcia

[about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?

Cindy

Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.

Jan

Thanks, Cindy!

Cindy

But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Marcia

[about her diary] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges.

Greg

What are you talking about?

Marcia

As if you didn't know.

Peter

Bobby, do you know what she's talking about?

Bobby

No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about?

Greg

No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about?

Marcia

I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary.

Greg

Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?

Bobby

What's a diary?

Peter

It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read.

Bobby

Why?

Greg

So, you could write stuff like...

Greg

[Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."

Mike

Gas. Did we turn the gas off?

Marcia

Dad, our stove is electric!

Marcia

[reading the caption] "MRS. DENTON? OR A HIPPOPOTAMUS?"

Is that your drawing?

Carol

As much as we hate to do it, Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your sleepover (today).

Marcia

[in between tears and before crying] MY PARTY?!

Mike

Honey? That drawing might have seemed funny at the time. But you just must have respect for your teachers.

Marcia

[crying] But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark!

Carol

Your principal said you did, honey. And he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing.

Marcia

[crying] You mean, you would rather believe him than me!

Mike

Marcia? What you did, that paper was in your desk. And it had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?

Marcia

[crying] You don’t believe me either! And if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

Marcia

My brother (Greg) is going to regret this!

It itches, Marcia. But it’s kind of funny. I like jokes. What about the one we pulled on Mrs. Denton?

Marcia

[to Paula] We?

Yeah, you drew the picture and I wrote the funny line. You know about the hippo?

Marcia

You did that?

Yeah, didn’t you think it was funny?

Marcia

Funny?! I got punished for that!

Punished? You did?

Marcia

I have to stay after school for a whole week now! I almost didn’t have this sleepover because of what you wrote!