Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.
Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.
By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.
Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.
Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.
Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?
Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?
[gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it?
Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him.
[The scene cuts to the living room]
Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?
MarciaI do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.
Marcia
Well, somebody had to take the blame.
[Jan collapses on the chair.]
[Jan nods.]
I guess we all confessed.
[angry] I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!
Marcia
Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.
[Jan hears Mike and Carol come in.]
I think we’re all gonna get it now.
[Mike and Carol enter]
One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it.
There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.
Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.
[Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.]
Marcia
Yes, Mother?
I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.
Marcia
I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.
Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.
Marcia
What do you mean?
I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.
Marcia
You were?
Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you.
Marcia
Replace me?
Yes. Your understudy is going to be Juliet.
Marcia
Tina!? But I’m better than her!
Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude.
Marcia
What do you mean my attitude?
Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with!
Marcia
[flustered, in between tears, and before crying] Mom...! That is so unfair!
Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it go to your head.
Marcia
[on the verge of tears] You do not understand, Mom!
Marcia, I do understand. But you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.
[Carol leaves the room. Marcia bitterly breaks down and cries.]
Marcia
[crying] MOM!
[Marcia and Jan are re-painting a chair. Cindy wants to help.]
Marcia
No Cindy! It is too hard for you!
But why can't I help!? The chair, it goes in my room too!
Look Cindy! This isn't a game! If you mess up the paint, we are going to have to do it all over again!
Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!
Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.
But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!
No, it's only a half an inch!
How do you know it's only half an inch?
Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!
Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!
You did the same thing too? [Jan nods]
Well, a half inch isn't bad.
Marcia
Bobby.
Marcia
I guess we should have checked with each other.
That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of!
[Bobby runs off.]
Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right —
They were only trying to help.
They did it because they know it's true!
I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! [runs up the stairs]
[Jan is mad at her siblings]
If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!
Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? [Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree]
You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!
Marcia
And you can have the whole house to yourself.
As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.
Yeah, we're not even here!
Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. [Everybody but Jan leaves]
[The boys return]
[Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her]
[Jan prepares to leave for the library, Marcia stops her]
Marcia
Hey, just a minute, you!
What? [Marcia yanks her sweater back] What do you think you're doing?
Marcia
That's my sweater!
So what? I always borrow your sweater!
Marcia
Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.
Marcia
Mom, we made a deal, remember?
Marcia
And I'm sticking to it.
Jan, do you want to stick to it?
Marcia
Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and [snaps fingers] vanish. [leaves]
I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. [Jan leaves]
[Cindy tries to talk her siblings and Alice into appearing in a fundraiser play of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"]
Me play one of the seven dwarfs?
You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?
Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.
Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.
You better not say that around Mom.
Well, will you help me with the play?
Well, you can't be Dopey.
I'm saving that part for someone special.
[Cut to bathroom, knock on the door]
Marcia
Come in.
Marcia
Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.
Marcia
Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.
How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?
Marcia
Thin walls.
[Cindy leaves]
[Cut to Greg's room, Cindy knocks on the door]
Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice —
Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.
But I want to play Dopey instead of you.
How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?
[Cut to boys' room, Cindy knocks on the door]
Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.
That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.
Well, you can't be Dopey.
Yes, I can. [door closes]
"Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?
[Cut to kitchen]
Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?
I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?
That part's already taken, six times.
How about the wicked queen?
You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. [imitates evil laughter]
That was good. Thanks, Alice!
BKBrady kids and Sam
[singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row [whistle, Sam stops], heigh ho.
What'd you stop for, Dopey?
SDSam/Dopey
Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc!
Jan/Happy, Cindy/Grumpy: We live that way! [point in opposite directions]
MSMarcia/Sleepy
[yawn] Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy!
PSPeter/Sneezy
Well, I'm catching a cold! [sneezes]
BBBobby/Bashful
I know which way we live!
BBBobby/Bashful
I'm too bashful to tell you! [laughs]
SDSam/Dopey
Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road!
CGCindy/Grumpy
That's in "The Wizard Of Oz!"
SDSam/Dopey
So, don't follow the yellow brick road!
BKBrady kids and Sam
[singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! [march behind the stage]
[Marcia had just fired Peter from his job at the ice cream parlor; Peter and Bobby are in the bathroom]
For no reason at all, right out of left field she fired me.
What a rotten thing to do to your own brother.
That's what you get when you give small people power. They can't handle it.
[Marcia knocks on the door]
Marcia
Are you gonna be in there all night?
[Marcia enters the bathroom]
Marcia
You brainwashed Bobby!
No I didn't, I told him the truth. You fired me 'cause you're power-hungry.
Marcia
I fired you because you're lazy and you deserved it!
You know what you are? A company stooge!
Marcia
What's the use?
Okay, run away from the truth, you Captain Bligh Dictator!
Marcia
And you're a capital "G" goof-off!
[Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with]
Wanna play a game or something, Alice?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.
Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon That Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. [leaves, Greg comes in]
Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?
Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.
[Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving]
Hey, where are you going?
Marcia
We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.
That wallpaper post made our room smell too icky.
Have fun. [the girls leave]
[Mike and Carol are leaving]
Don't stay up past your bedtime.
I might as well go to sleep right now; there's nobody around here to do anything with.
Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.
That's the same thing as being alone.
[Greg and Marcia were playing a trick on Peter and Bobby with the "UFO"]
Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?
Marcia
Same here.
Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?
No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".
Marcia
Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.
[Marcia and Jan try to find out if Cindy is snooping in Marcia's diary]
[They enter Peter and Bobby's room]
Marcia
Passing through.
You got a door on your side!
Marcia
It's stuck! [The girls get into the bathroom]
Now I know why hermits want to be hermits.
[The girls return from the bathroom, the same way]
Marcia
Passing through.
Oh, we just couldn't stand being away from you two beautiful people.
[The girls leave, Peter blocks the door with a chair]
Bobby! Bobby, where are you?! Come on out, you can't hide forever!
[Enters the room, while Greg is looking under the bunk bed] Hey Greg, what are you doing down here?
[Emerges] Looking for Bobby, I'm gonna clobber him!
What... [Laughs] Hey, do you know your hair is orange? [Greg fumes] What happened?
You sure could be a stand-out student at graduation! [Laughs]
Very funny. [Leaves the room, goes to the girls' room] Has either of you seen Bobby?
Marcia
Greg! What happened to your hair?
Bobby's hair tonic? You mean you actually bought some of that junk?
Only because I felt kinda sorry for him. But now I really feel sorry for him, 'cause he's about to have a fatal accident!
[The girls laugh]
Marcia
[Pretends to offer Greg her orange sweater] Greg, do you want to borrow this for your graduation? It will match your hair!
The Brady Bunch · 120 quotes
