Greg Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?

Greg

Tattletale!

All right, that's enough.

But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.

All right, what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

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[The boys --Greg, Peter, and Bobby-- have broken Carol's vase when they were playing football in the house.]

Greg

MOM'S FAVORITE VASE!

She always says don't play ball in the house.

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Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.

Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.

By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.

Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.

Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.

Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?

Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?

[gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it?

Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him.

[The scene cuts to the living room]

Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg

Oh, no.

Well, somebody had to take the blame.

Greg

I told Mom I did it.

Me too.

Thud.

[Jan collapses on the chair.]

You too?

[Jan nods.]

I guess we all confessed.

I didn’t.

Greg

You didn’t.

[angry] I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!

Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.

[Jan hears Mike and Carol come in.]

Shh! Here they come.

I think we’re all gonna get it now.

[Mike and Carol enter]

One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it.

There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.

Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.

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JMrs. Johnson

[furiously snaps] LOOK! YOUR FATHER, IF HE HAS TO WAIT, HE IS GOING TO BE VERY UPSET!

TTommy

I am afraid he is going to be upset anyhow. The cigarettes were mine.

JMrs. Johnson

Cigarettes? What cigarettes?

TTommy

The ones you thought were Greg’s. See? We switched jackets by mistake.

[After Tommy says this, Mrs. Johnson pauses her anger. And she says...!]

JMrs. Johnson

[calmly] Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. (Thanks for telling the truth, Tommy.)

[Mrs. Johnson turns to Greg and says...!]

JMrs. Johnson

[to Greg] I’m really very sorry.

Greg

Yes, ma’am.

Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport...!

[Mrs. Johnson turns to Carol.]

[to Mrs. Johnson] Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday?

JMrs. Johnson

Yes, next Friday.

TTommy

Mom? Can we talk about it before we pick up Dad?

[Mrs. Johnson --in response-- resumes anger and says...!]

JMrs. Johnson

[furiously and snaps] I EXPECT THAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER WE PICK UP YOUR FATHER! NOW COME ALONG, TOMMY!

[True to what Mrs. Johnson says, she expects she and Tommy talk about it both before and after they pick up --Tommy's father-- Mr. Johnson from the airport. That is, and she --Mrs. Johnson-- lets Tommy know he is going to be in serious trouble.]

Greg

Good luck, Tommy.

TTommy

Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

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A necktie!?

Greg

Sure, Pete. When you're famous, you can't look like a slob.

Does that mean you have to wear clean socks, too?

Greg

[ignoring Bobby] There, now how do I look?

Like a slob with a tie!

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[Greg has just received his driver's license and wants to buy a car of his own]

I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.

Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here.

Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.

Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.

Just $100?

Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100?

[Cut to Greg's friend Eddie trying to sell him a beat-up 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, with a "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign on the windshield]

EEddie

She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.

Greg

Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.

EEddie

What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you.

[Greg tries to open the door, it's stuck]

EEddie

So it sticks a little! When you own a convertible, you don't use doors, you just jump right in. [Jumps into the car] Sports car, right?

Greg

Right!

EEddie

But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. [Kicks the door open with his foot] You see?

Greg

Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat!

EEddie

What hole? A little rip. Just sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (Honks) The windshield wipers work, the radio...

Greg

Can I hear the engine?

EEddie

Sure, Purrs like a kitten. [Starts the engine, running at very loud noise and backfires, causing the car to vibrate] Runs a little rough until she warms up, then she's great!

Greg

Yeah, I can feel it.

EEddie

[Turns off the engine] The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.

Greg

Eddie, I don't know.

EEddie

Greg, for $100 and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that's worth maybe $500.

Greg

Think all it will take is a little work?

EEddie

Positive. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna throw in a repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10-year-old could fix her up!

Greg

I told my Dad I'd let him look at anything I bought first.

EEddie

What time is it, Greg?

Greg

[Looks at his watch] It's 3.20. Why?

EEddie

Car's gonna be gone by the time you get your dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him it's a sure sale. (Puts the "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign back on the windshield)

Greg

Eddie, I don't know.

EEddie

Greg, it's a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels?

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You did!

I didn't!

You did too!

I did not!

Greg

Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

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Peter (to Marcia): I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'

Greg

What's that got to do with singing at the prom?

Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

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Greg

[on the phone] Yeah Rachel, it’s great seeing you at school. But I still want to take you out. Well, what about a movie tomorrow night? Yeah, the drive-in. It’s a good double bill, uh, a science fiction and a western. Great, great, Rachel. Well, I’ll pick you up about 7. Bye.

[He hangs up and Bobby comes into the living room to boss Greg around again.]

Sounds good to me.

Greg

[annoyed] What sounds good to you?!

A double film.

Greg

Exactly what does that mean?

I’m going with you.

[Greg gets up.]

Greg

[laughs sarcastically] HA! NO WAY!

Remember the bet?

Greg

[gets upset] I HAVE TAKEN OUT THE TRASH FOR YOU! I HAVE HOSED OFF THE PATIO, HAVE SHINED YOUR SHOES, HAVE MADE YOUR BED, AND HAVE CLEANED YOUR BIKE! AND I EVEN LET YOU BEAT ME AT CHECKERS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME TO! BUT THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?

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It’s okay with me! I don’t mind if she comes along or not!

Greg

[angry and to Bobby] LISTEN (VERY CAREFULLY) MR. CHIN-UP KING! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE ASKED FAIR AND SQUARE! BUT THERE IS NO WAY! NO WAY YOU ARE GOING ON MY DATE WITH RACHEL!

[The scene cuts to the drive-in]

[from the backseat] You're blocking my view!

[Greg and Rachel move apart.]

And I want some more popcorn.

Greg

You've already had three bags!

Then I want pizza.

Greg

I'll be back in a minute, Rachel.

[Greg gets out of the car to buy Bobby a slice of pizza.]

[Jumps into the front seat] Boy, you can really see better from up here.

RRachel

[Unenthused] Uh-huh.

Neat movie, isn't it?

RRachel

Yeah, real neat.

Having fun, huh?

RRachel

We're having a ball.

You see, I told Greg if I came you wouldn't mind.

Greg

[to Bobby] Here's the pizza you ordered! And that's all of the food you get!

[Greg angrily murmurs about the bet]

Greg

[muttering] Our bet had nothing to do with me going broke!

RRachel

Greg, wouldn't it be nice if Bobby got in the backseat to eat his pizza?

Greg

Yes, that would be nice.

Okay! [Greg closes the car door, accidentally hits the horn, shushes Bobby] I didn't do that! Want some pizza?

Greg

No!

How about you, Rachel? It's real good, pepperoni and onions.

RRachel

No, no thank you.

You guys don't know what you're missing!

Greg

We know what we're missing! [Attempts to embrace Rachel again]

You're blocking my view again!

Greg

Come on, Bobby, stop fooling around! You're not even watching the movie!

Neither are you!

RRachel

I'll tell you what, why don't we all watch the movie.

[They watch the movie]

It's warm in here, put the top down.

Greg

Put the top — ? Now look, Bobby.

RRachel

You might as well do it, Greg.

[Greg puts the top down, causing several cars behind them to honk their horns because it's blocking their view]

[Bobby opens an umbrella, holds it over their heads]

Greg

What do you think you're doing?

It might rain. You wouldn't want sweetiepie to get wet, would you?

Greg

Now you're just being a wiseguy. Put that umbrella away!

I told you, it might rain!

Greg

Well, if it might rain, then I'm putting the top back up! [Retracts the roof, causing cars to honk again]

[Bobby doesn't close his umbrella, causing the tip to tear a hole in the roof. He ends up sticking the umbrella through the roof, and keeps trying to pull it out. It gets stuck, he looks at Greg]

Greg

Now you've done it! Wait till Dad sees this!

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Greg

How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-

I don't trust you, you stole my girl!

Greg

I did not steal your girl.

You did.

If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

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[Jan is mad at her siblings]

If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!

Greg

You mean that, Jan?

You're right, I sure do!

Greg

Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? [Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree]

You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

And you can have the whole house to yourself.

Great!

For us, too!

Greg

As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.

Yeah, we're not even here!

Greg

Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. [Everybody but Jan leaves]

[The boys return]

What are we leaving for?

Yeah, this is our room!

[Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her]

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I think you better spend some time thinking about your driving habits while you do not use the car for a week!

Greg

A week? That's not fair!

Well, it is a lot fairer than not using it for a year, a lustrum, a decade, or a century!

Greg

But, Dad, it wasn’t a…!

YOU WANT TO TRY FOR A MILLENNIUM!

[True to this scene, when Greg argues, Mike responds be threatening to take away the car privileges --from Greg-- for a year, a lustrum, a decade, a century, or a millennium. That is, which is 1, 5, 10, 100, or 1,000 years. In the spite of that, Greg complies --before his father grounds him further and not just from the car privileges-- and goes to his room as his father asks.]

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[Jan had signed the kids up for an amateur show to raise money for their parents' anniversary present]

Greg

[laughs] Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance of getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank!

Hey!

Greg

Forget it.

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Greg

Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?