Carol Brady quotes from The Brady Bunch

Carol

[about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.

Alice

That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

Carol

[she thinks Cindy has a cold] Cindy? Are you coming down with the sniffles?

Cindy

If I am, I do not want Greg or Marcia blowing on my nose. I can do it myself.

Carol

As much as we hate to do it, Marcia, I’m afraid you can’t have your sleepover (today).

Marcia

[in between tears and before crying] MY PARTY?!

Mike

Honey? That drawing might have seemed funny at the time. But you just must have respect for your teachers.

Marcia

[crying] But I didn’t do it! I didn’t write Mrs. Denton’s name on it, or that stupid remark!

Carol

Your principal said you did, honey. And he’s a very responsible man. He wouldn’t punish you for nothing.

Marcia

[crying] You mean, you would rather believe him than me!

Mike

Marcia? What you did, that paper was in your desk. And it had your name on it. Well, what else could Mr. Randolph think?

Marcia

[crying] You don’t believe me either! And if you don’t, I don’t want a party, or anything ever from you!

Carol

Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?

Greg

Tattletale!

Mike

All right, that's enough.

Cindy

But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.

Mike

All right, what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.

Alice

[brings another pillow to rest Bobby's leg] If you ask me, I think it's a miracle.

Carol

Yes, that he only sprained his ankle.

Alice

No, I meant that it's a miracle that you have a doctor that makes house calls.

Cindy

He didn't even ask Bobby to stick out his tongue and say "Ah".

Alice

Well, that's just when you sprain the tonsil. Come on, Florence Nightingale, you can help me in the kitchen, making hospital corners on the napkins.

Mike

Well, we have five suspects and five confessions.

Carol

Correction. Six suspects. And #6 is looking forward to an overnight camping trip this Saturday.

Mike

By Jove, Holmes, you’ve deduced that young Peter Brady did it.

Carol

Elementary, my dear Watson, the five who confessed are covering up for the sixth who didn’t.

Mike

Right. And if Peter is guilty, then the other kids are accessories to the crime.

Carol

Well, what are we gonna do about it, Mike?

Mike

Why not we play along with their little game and punish everybody who confessed?

Carol

[gasps] What? And allow Peter to get away with it?

Mike

Honey, Peter is not going to get away with it. His conscience is not going to let him.

Peter

Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?

Marcia

I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.

Greg

Oh, no.

Marcia

Well, somebody had to take the blame.

Greg

I told Mom I did it.

Bobby

Me too.

Jan

Thud.

Bobby

You too?

Cindy

I guess we all confessed.

Peter

I didn’t.

Greg

You didn’t.

Peter

[angry] I wanted to in the first place! But you guys drained up this whole thing!

Marcia

Peter’s right. We’re as much to blame for this as he is.

Jan

Shh! Here they come.

Cindy

I think we’re all gonna get it now.

Mike

One of you broke your mother's vase. But five of you claimed that you did it.

Carol

There seems to be a slight communication gap in this family.

Mike

Look! No matter who broke it, the others of you who confessed are just as guilty for hiding the truth. And I’m afraid you’re all going to have to be punished.

[furiously snaps] LOOK! YOUR FATHER, IF HE HAS TO WAIT, HE IS GOING TO BE VERY UPSET!

I am afraid he is going to be upset anyhow. The cigarettes were mine.

Cigarettes? What cigarettes?

The ones you thought were Greg’s. See? We switched jackets by mistake.

[calmly] Oh, I see. I certainly owe Greg an apology. (Thanks for telling the truth, Tommy.)

[to Greg] I’m really very sorry.

Greg

Yes, ma’am.

Mike

Well, if I were waiting at a crowded airport...!

Carol

[to Mrs. Johnson] Mrs. Johnson, how about next Friday?

Yes, next Friday.

Mom? Can we talk about it before we pick up Dad?

[furiously and snaps] I EXPECT THAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE AND AFTER WE PICK UP YOUR FATHER! NOW COME ALONG, TOMMY!

Greg

Good luck, Tommy.

Yeah, I’m sure gonna need it. See you.

Carol

I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.

Mike

Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here.

Carol

Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.

Mike

Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.

Carol

Just $100?

Mike

Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100?

She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.

Greg

Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.

What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you.

So it sticks a little! When you own a convertible, you don't use doors, you just jump right in. [Jumps into the car] Sports car, right?

Greg

Right!

But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. [Kicks the door open with his foot] You see?

Greg

Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat!

What hole? A little rip. Just sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (Honks) The windshield wipers work, the radio...

Greg

Can I hear the engine?

Sure, Purrs like a kitten. [Starts the engine, running at very loud noise and backfires, causing the car to vibrate] Runs a little rough until she warms up, then she's great!

Greg

Yeah, I can feel it.

[Turns off the engine] The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.

Greg

Eddie, I don't know.

Greg, for $100 and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that's worth maybe $500.

Greg

Think all it will take is a little work?

Positive. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna throw in a repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10-year-old could fix her up!

Greg

I told my Dad I'd let him look at anything I bought first.

What time is it, Greg?

Greg

[Looks at his watch] It's 3.20. Why?

Car's gonna be gone by the time you get your dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him it's a sure sale. (Puts the "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign back on the windshield)

Greg

Eddie, I don't know.

Greg, it's a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels?

Carol

Marcia?

Marcia

Yes, Mother?

Carol

I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.

Marcia

I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.

Carol

Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.

Marcia

What do you mean?

Carol

I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.

Marcia

You were?

Carol

Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you.

Marcia

Replace me?

Carol

Yes. Your understudy is going to be Juliet.

Marcia

Tina!? But I’m better than her!

Carol

Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude.

Marcia

What do you mean my attitude?

Carol

Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with!

Marcia

[flustered, in between tears, and before crying] Mom...! That is so unfair!

Carol

Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it go to your head.

Marcia

[on the verge of tears] You do not understand, Mom!

Carol

Marcia, I do understand. But you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.

Marcia

[crying] MOM!

Jan

[reads the letter from her teacher and principal] In the past several weeks, Jan's grades have...!

Mike

[stops Jan from reading the letter] That is enough, Jan.

Carol

[to Jan] Jan? Where do you normally sit in Mrs. Denthoff's class?

Jan

In the back. Why?

Mike

Does she write lessons on the black board in the front of the class?

Jan

Usually.

Carol

Jan? I think you may need glasses.

Jan

Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses!

Mike

Certainly, you want to have your eyes checked.

Carol

Honey? Wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.

Jan

But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!

Mike

Well, listen Jan. Do you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?

Jan

Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! I am going to look positively goofy!

Bobby

Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike

How much?

Bobby

A whole inch and a half!

Carol

Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.

Mike

Not since yesterday.

Bobby

But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!

Cindy

No, it's only a half an inch!

Bobby

How do you know it's only half an inch?

Cindy

Well...

Mike

Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy

I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!

Mike

Cindy!

Cindy

I'm sorry!

Bobby

Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!

Jan

No, only half an inch.

Carol

You did the same thing too? [Jan nods]

Bobby

Well, a half inch isn't bad.

Marcia

Bobby.

Carol

Oh, no.

Marcia

I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby

That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of!

Mike

Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right —

Carol

They were only trying to help.

Bobby

They did it because they know it's true!

Carol

Now what's true?

Bobby

I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! [runs up the stairs]

Carol

Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes!

Carol

Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?

Bobby

I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol

Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?

Bobby

Well, I picked on him.

Carol

You started a fight? Why?

Bobby

Well, he was acting like a big shot.

Carol

Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby

Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!

Carol

Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?

Bobby

Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.

Carol

Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby

Did he win?

Carol

Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?

Bobby

Not if you lose.

Peter

Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.

Carol

She's just a little girl.

Peter

She has an awfully big tongue.

Mike

...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!

$295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.

Carol

What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike, this just isn't true.

Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol

And very badly too.

I'll see you in court!

Carol

My pleasure!